Update on Life.

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

I hope it was wonderful! And as for the vegetarians like me, I hope you had a wonderful dinner full of side dishes!
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So I set out on this blog to document my journey through my entrance to college, my therapy and the milestones I make. I think it is long over due to make a list for myself of where I am at this point.

I enjoy my new found ability to be in a restaurant. Today I even ate chips and salsa and beans while sitting there! It was so nice to feel somewhat normal again. I went to a Mexican restaurant that was the last place I ever are out, I have wonderful memories of that little family owned and authentic restaurant from my childhood. It was great to be back!

I heard a song the other day. It was one I already knew but I heard the lyrics in a different way this time. Who Knew by P!nk. Spectacular artist (who has struggled with fertility and a miscarriage but shes now pregnant- congrats!) who speaks her mind and is by far my favorite singer and songwriter. The song is suppose to be about a break up but for me it captures my feelings of abandonment, shock, anger, and feelings that I cannot even begin to put words to all about the teacher I have who was my mother figure. Some stuff happened that wasn't pretty and I had a catastrophic meltdown of epic proportions at school because of things she has done. I went into shock and what she did even gave Dr. R a shock. It's easy to see there is still lingering tension and anger. She promised she would be around and I believed her.Who knew?

The obgyn and endocrinologist believe that I might have diabetes incipitus and that it may be a result of my concussion. Lots of testing and unknowns right now. Brain tumor(s) are still on the table and these don't even begin to address my original symptoms that I came to the Dr with. It is probably PCOS though but we still are not sure of anything. Oddly enough I am ok with the unknowns. At this point I am just glad to have people that believe me and if I can just get a name for all of this I will be content. It doesn't have to be curable or treatable (although if it is that would be preferred!) as long as it has a name.

The bad thoughts have come back with a vengeance. It is the same bad thoughts that I had a few months ago when I slipped into the major depression and was almost hospitalized. Yet somehow they are different. They are the annoying, pestering, nonstop thoughts that just go on and on and on but they aren't the suicidal thoughts that only had a goal of keeping me depressed that were there when I was in fact depressed. This time they are not depressed thoughts but they spiral out of control if I don't stop them.

I started out with the thought of college and then went to I need a place to live, but rent it insane around the college campus and I can't pay for that, there are no dorms so that's not an option. In order to have the ideal place to live (aka anywhere but here) I need to pay. Which means I need a job. Which I can't get because there are no jobs around here and plus, I can't drive to begin with. I would need to take the driving test that I have been putting off for 8 months. My permit expires on my birthday (January 24th) so I have 2 months to take the test that I am scared of failing. If you do fail you have to wait 6 weeks to retake it which means I only have 2 shots at this, that is, if I take it in the next 3 weeks. What if I fail? Failing is unacceptable! I can't do it. I just can't. But I have to.

And although the thoughts could continue, I usually get to this point in a matter of minutes and have to verbally tell them to stop.

Something else to work on in therapy. Great. As if I didn't have enough already.

Raw(e) Little

So it took me a little while to find something that fit this weeks Raw(e) theme. I wanted to see what everyone was posting and it was all babies. 

Since I don't have a baby it makes it difficult. It's not like I can go ask the lady in the supermarket if I can take a picture of her baby. I was stumped.

That is until my next door neighbor got a brand new PUPPY!

So I asked if I could take a picture of their little puppy. The little guy started eating my shoe and naturally I took pictures instead of saving my shoelace. 

Want to join in on the fun of Raw(e) ? 

Head on over to Sailor & Company , read the instructions and link on up!

I'm Sick Of...

- it being cold in this house
-getting blood work done
-having a vial of my blood that no one can find (traveled from NC to AZ... um what?)
-people who think they can help but cant
-people trying to help but making things worse
-living in a house where you cant even go downstairs without being sucked into a fight
-not having a better word than dysfunctional
-the annoying little kid in my science class who always tries to one up me
-Dr's telling me I might have a brain lesion or mass
-not knowing the difference from lesion and mass
-not wanting to leave my bed but knowing that's the last safe place for me to be
-convincing people that I'm fine
-seeing my grades plummet
-having swollen and sore wrists from being grabbed so much
-living knowing these people in this house
-being associated with these people
-no one bothering to refill my meds even though I've asked every day for the past 3 weeks
-crying
-having no one that listens
-drinking all this fricking water
-having labs that don't tell the Dr anything
-bruises from blood draws
-finger pricks from glucose tests
-not being 18 yet so I have no rights
-more crying
-my brother threatening me
-everyone who deals with my family leaving
-this headache I've had for a week
-being so out of control because I don't have my meds because no one bothered to refill them
-listening to everyone complain
-people who don't call you back in a timely fashion
-post concussion syndrome
-fighting the bad thoughts
-missing school because of therapy
-not having an understanding teacher
-hating school for the first time ever
-not having a place for my panic attacks
-wondering if people really do care or they have just been pretending
-people who say they are sorry but don't change their actions
-having to remind my mother to be a mother
-living here

Stupid Carpets!

Whoever decided to make pills the same color as carpets was insanely stupid.

Well it seems that the depression went away as fast as it came. Odd, but I'm OK with that.

I finally went to the Dr for all of these odd symptoms I've been having.

Plus side?
I was seeing a new Dr and she is wonderful. And since it was a lady Dr, all the super pregnant women around me made everything so much better! I mean really! Who doesn't just love a super big pregnant belly? (except for maybe the owner of that super big belly)

Minus side?
I am being tested for PCOS, Insulin resistance, fasting blood sugar, liver and kidney enzymes (make sure they are still working), about 7 hormones, B6, B12, anemia, and prolactin to test for a prolactinoma.

Plus side?
This is the first Dr in years (other than Dr.R) who ACTUALLY LISTENS! Its so nice to be taken seriously! It is 100% unfair but 100% true that people with anxiety written all over their chart get treated differently. Especially when you have a bunch of random symptoms that don't usually cause a physical marker. Drs tend to brush the patients off. I have been told several times that I don't actually have ____, its just because I'm anxious and pick up on small, normal things. But with this Dr, I could even tell her that I just didn't feel right. I couldn't point to something and say "this hurts" but i just overall felt different and not right. SHE LISTENED! Shes now officially my favorite MD ever!.

Minus side?
She said the words "brain tumor" .
Actually said those words.
Also?
Shes worried that with PCOS (or even if I don't have it) and the psych medicines that I was on through puberty and the ones I'm on now (benzos are really worrisome) have permanently affected my fertility. We have no idea how much they affected my fertility, but to say I am infertile is not out of the question.
Also?
I'm being tested and have a lot of the symptoms of Type 2 Diabetes
Also?
I have been trying to figure out how to stay vegetarian and have Diabetes and I don't think its actually possible.


Either way, I am trying not to freak out about these test results. I get them back on Nov 1.

As Dr. R says "Its not about choosing what you want to have and what you don't want. That has already been decided for you. You can wish away something or you can wish for something, either way, the tests have already been submitted.You can't change the results by wishing really hard. All you can do now is wait."

6 days of waiting down, 8 to go.

Ive Officially Slipped... Again

Well I have another new diagnosis.

Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder. 

Woo! It's just SO much fun!

Yea. Now, I'm going to go take a nap and have my goal of tomorrow be to go to the store. Seeing as I didn't  couldn't leave my bed today this is a good goal. Plus I need to work on my depression project! It's going to be a wonderful, loving reminder of why suicide is not a good idea.

Also a goal? To stop wanting to drive a car into a giant pole. (FYI: I'm having other people drive me places just to be on the safe side)

A Post Without Editing

I'm getting tired again.

Last time this happened I slipped.
Oh, boy did I slip!
I slipped so far into the depths of depression that I'm still recovering 5 months later.

Luckily, this time I know the signs to watch for and I know that people wont just ship me off to the hospital. I know I will be listened to and the only way to get better is to talk about things. Even the scary things. Because things with me do get scary and they get scary quickly and the people I let close to me know that and they know what to do and I am blessed that I have this.

I'm blessed with my Support Boat.

I am finally starting to trust people. Mostly Dr. R but that's a good start.

I don't think Ive ever really said how amazing she truly is. Today we talked about deep stuff and when she didn't understand something I was able to get her on the right page. She was able to tell me that reading the book I am reading (or was) is a bad idea at this point in my life. I was able to listen and I now understand that she was right. But mostly we talked about the scary stuff that I have never been able to share with anyone. The deep dark thoughts that I sometimes have. And ya know what? She told me that I was fine. And when I told her she must not be hearing what I said because anyone who thinks about these things is certainly not fine she convinced me I was fine. I still felt comforted by the image I saw and we set rules around it, only because I was afraid. Things like "OK well you can picture that, but it cant do this or this or this. OK?" and I agreed.

I never thought therapists were allowed to tell you what to do but they are. I like this. I think everyone needs someone who they can go to and just tell them that you have no idea what to do, every choice is a bad choice and that you need someone else to decide what to do because at this point, you just could not care anymore.

You know what I'm sick of? And I may step on some toes here but I don't care at this point.

Those winy little teenage girls who all hate their parents. All day its " I HATE HER! SHE WOULDN'T LET MY GO TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT! I know it was 3 am when it started and its a school night and Jim my one true love...." And let me stop there because the part of me that Dr. R calls "Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30" wants to chime in.

OK really? True love? COME ON PEOPLE!!! I mean I just had to listen to my brother throw a absolute hissy fit because his girlfriend of 2 (yes, 2) days has changed his life forever and now she broke up with him. And oh woe is him!! Now which one of my parents wants to go convince him to stop laying in the middle of the road and go inside because its 50 degrees outside and dark and no, suicide isn't an option.

UGH!
(thus ends the Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30 portion of this entry)


Now add all of the stress from my school life to this horror show of a family life (side bar- I use to be CONVINCED that my life was a German comedy show because of how things got- then I learned to laugh like it was one) add in one heaping cup of anxiety 2 cups of panic attacks and one Tbsp of people changing the constants in my life and what do you get????

-The reason I started hysterically laughing today that brought me to tears from laughter that took me to a point where I was both sobbing and laughing at the same time in front of my mother figure who, for the life of her, couldn't figure out what I was doing. So she just stared.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Celebrate Good Times

I'm quickly approaching my 2 year anniversary for therapy. For the non-therapy person this seems like forever but for me its no time at all. Actually I quit even thinking about what its gonna be like to graduate therapy because that's so far away.

Sometimes its hard for me to see the progress I've made.

I went there with panic attacks, I still have panic attacks. Its hard for me to see that I have been diagnosed with several things, learned about all that I have, got my meds changed, got them changed again, still pass the "is she bipolar?" test my psych MD gives me about 2 times a year, and most importantly I have explored, learned, felt and learned how to manage all my anxiety.

But when I make milestones its a big thing.

So today I went in with the question of dating while in therapy. I fully thought that Dr. R would say no but she thinks I'm actually ready.

Now if I date or not that's 100% my choice. But I finally get to make that choice! I have never been so emotionally stable that I can have a relationship. So this is without a doubt a HUGE milestone!

So I'm not going to celebrate the end of my therapy (that's years away) but for now I'm celebrating that I made  so much progress in a little less than 2 years.

I never thought it was possible.

How Do You Measure A Year?

First I would like to state that in this 'year' my relationship with God has grown stronger than it ever has been.

According to the Balinese people a day doesn't not have to be 24 hours it can be more or it can be less. I think this idea is amazing. There have been days that I just wished they would end and I could start a new day. I am going to start incorporating this into my life. Today is a good day and I have not decided that I want it to be over with, so its not yet. Simple as that.

With those two things stated I would like to say that tomorrow (since today has not ended in my mind) I am returning to church after what I am going to deem as a year has passed. (Although it was anywhere from 10 - 15 months in reality, I cant remember, so I'm saying a year).

This year has been hard. And that's the biggest understatement I think I have ever said. I started not going to service because, well I had been going since I was 2 weeks old and I wanted a break. I wish I could say it was a better reason and I tried to make up other reasons but one day I am going to have to look at God and answer why and I might as well start telling the truth about it now. I had gone through a lot.

Looking back even further than a year, church service was giving me panic attacks. I didn't want it to; but it was. (This was before I had started seeing Dr. R and I didn't have a diagnosis for anything). The Social Anxiety Disorder was at its worst and it was controlling my mind. It would convince me that everyone in the big sea of people was staring at me, watching my every movement and everyone was judging me. My mother thought I was being stupid about this and kept telling me that people are self conscious and are only worried about themselves. I was fine and I needed to get over these little episodes and get my butt back into service.

Walking out on a sermon apparently is frowned upon.

I started seeing Dr. R. Between the two of us we determined that I was having panic attacks. She talked to my Psych MD and he rearranged all of my medicines. I got Ativan. It helped and I continued to go to church.

About a year later my grandfather got sick. I had never been to church without either my Grandmother or Grandfather there and since my Grandmother had passed away he was the only one that I needed. But he was in the hospital. It got unbearable going. I tried a few times but I needed an 82 year old man there to hold my hand and I needed an 82 year old man to wake up every few minutes. I loved him there, I needed him there and he wasn't there.

I stopped going.

I selfishly thought that people would notice and they did. I got emails of concern for a few weeks but then it was like everyone just forgot about me. I wanted to see if they would come back or if they had given up hope in me ever going back so I waited. (For the record only 1 person ever asked me to come back)

So why go back?

My relationship with God is better than ever. I think a year away from everything, where it is just me and the Lord, was what I needed. I needed to have that relationship that I believe the church environment was hindering me from having with my Lord. I needed it to face the things the past year has thrown me. I only formed the relationship oddly enough, when I was suicidal. God is the only one that pulled me through that, that actually never ever left my side. He was committed to me and I am forever grateful. When my concussion happened a few months later I had the relationship with Him to lean on and I let Him hold me and I fully trusted in Him for the first big thing in my life and it was wonderful. He healed me. I still am not 100%, more like 85% but still, He healed me and although since this past Thursday the idea of being 85% has brought several tear-filled moments to me, I trust Him. I thank Him for where I am.

I think there are several reasons that I need to go back though. My blogging friend Eva passed away 6 months ago and that has hit me much harder that I ever thought. The foster children I watched are now back with their father. The book Eat Pray Love has helped me more than I ever thought. I have a handle on my panic and SAD. Its just time to go back.

But I think that the event that is really making me go back is something this past week with my mother figure. I wont go into details but because of a panic attack I went to her until I came out. I found something, a little list she had made, inside her desk while I was cleaning it out. (It helps me when I have something to touch and a little task to do and this is perfect- I get out of my panic and she gets a clean desk. We established this as my task a long time ago). It was a personal list of hers that no one was suppose to see that she scribbled and threw into her desk. I saw it. A list of names and some things written next to the names like "cancer" or "from church" but then there were my initials, what she calls me when shes writing my name and "student" written next to it. I know without a doubt that this is me and this is her prayer list.

She prays for me. I don't know what she prays about for me but she does. There could be thousands of things shes praying about, I don't know. I never will. But the thought that crossed my mind is that someone cares.

Someone cares enough that they ask the Lord for something on my behalf.

I was never suppose to see this. At least in her and my mind. But I think that this is part of God's plan. He knew all along that this would be the thing that sent me back to the church. He knew because He planned it.

The Lord's plan for me (and others) is complicated. But sometimes, on the rarest of rare occasions, things can seem simple and clear and this is the Lord giving us a peak into His plan for us.

So tonight I will pray for everyone that will ever read this or ever come into contact with this. I don't know what you are going through and I will never know. But I want you to know that I am praying for you, for your journey in life to be amazing, for you to have a clear sense of direction, a peak into God's plan for you, and to know that someone out there in the big big world is thinking of you and praying for you.

Catching Up + Raw(e)

First off I would like to say thank you for the thoughts and prayers for my father. Although he still is not back to work yet he is walking around and starting to need less of the pain killers. Most importantly he is eating again. He had his first real meal today for lunch. Unfortunately he developed an infection but while I was doing the dressing change (I was his personal nighttime shift nurse) I noticed it during the first dressing change and the next day checked and when it had only gotten worse he was promptly sent to the doctor. He is much, much better now.

So while I was taking care of him during the nights I only got about 2 hours of sleep a night for a while there and was still going to school so, somewhere down the line I got sick. Now this would not be such a bad thing but when I was little my brother and I both had RSV. Not good. Both of our lungs were scarred and his gave him asthma as a young child but he outgrew his. On the other hand my lungs didn't start to bother me until 2 or 3 months after my brother was officially declared asthma free (about 9 years ago). I had reactive airways and seasonal asthma but about a year ago my asthma took a turn for the worst. Now I am struggling with it daily when I am healthy. Steroids and albuterol are never far, but that's just one more med to take and in this house one more isn't really that bad, epically if you get to inhale the medicine.

But all of this make it pretty bad when I get sick. So this really bad head cold has turned into a cough. Not good at all! I have been on codeine for the cough because its the only thing that suppresses it even a little plus it helps with the pain I have from coughing so much. I got quite a few strange looks when I coughed today and the people I was near were worried for their health. I had to explain that even though it does sound like I am dying, I am not contagious its just my bad lungs. Somehow they were OK with that. They are gonna be OK, and its totally OK because she only has bad lungs. Pshh, she will be fine!



On a separate note I would like to say I got my first ever blogging award which came as a complete surprise because I had no idea anyone actually read this. (Well no, someone reads this, either that or I hit refresh well over 1,000 times and have no memory of it.) But the idea that Someone reads this and doesn't think its total rubbish is a nice self esteem boost, which I was in need of.  So here is my award.



I am suppose to give it to 15 fellow bloggers (Ha! I cant believe that I am actually calling myself a blogger!) But that is going to take a few days of thought to actually think of 15 blogs because I only follow about 6. So I will work on that, just give me time.

And since this is a random post I might as well post my Raw(e) Smiles and Laughter picture as well. This week I had to go back in my archives of pictures since I could not really leave my bed or the couch let alone be around young children or old people (because I mean who doesn't love when an old person has that "I'm SO happy to see you!!!!!" smile???)

So I thought about the pictures I have of my grandfather but they only make ME smile because to everyone else hes just another old man currently in a Jewish Community Center. Yeahhhh, we aren't Jewish either but he doesn't know the difference, he is just happy because they play Christmas music all day.

Separate note- I think I am the only one who cant stand Christmas music

So I though of my cousin Camille, the little and extremely photogenic Chinese girl with the smile that captured my heart. So I went through my files and found this.

I tried to capture her jumping on her bed in her Paton Manning jersey and frilly blue skirt (It's Indianapolis and was 3 days before they played the Saints, I got stares because I wasn't in blue!) but I didn't have the right AP value set so it didn't work. After I made her jump on her bed for 30 minutes (It counts as exercise right? Eh, who cares she loved it!) Cam gave me one final jump and landed on her stomach with this smile on her face.

Those little Chinese eyes get me every single time! She is so expressive you can read her emotions through them. It was once said that the eyes are the window to the soul and I could not agree more. Those are the eyes of a loving, energetic, little girl who is blessed to be in her loving home, she may not remember how she ended up being adopted but her birth mother and my family knows the story. This is a little girl who was abandoned at 2 days old and put in a box at a bus stop. 

Her and her little eyes have been through so much

This look says "I love you, I'm happy and I love when you visit". Nothing more. Nothing less.

And this makes me smile. Knowing you can come from a horrible background and finding happiness. Even if it is just jumping on your bed with you cousin. 

If I could edit I would sharpen the image a little but not do too much I really like the natural light. 

Want to join Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the instructions and link on up!

Prayers Please (Or Uplifting/Positive Thoughts if Praying isn't Your Cup of Tea)

I am asking for prayers for my father. He had surgery yesterday morning and there were a few unexpected complications. He is home now but he had to spend some extra time in the hospital due to the complications. He is still in a lot of pain and is not able to rest comfortably at this point, even with the pain medications.

Please pray for his recovery to be quick and without complication, for the continued knowledge and tact of the Doctors, Nurses, and other medical workers, for my father to not be eager to resume normal activities (I don't want him ripping his stitches/staples), and for his pain to be managed with the medications.

Thank you,
-Kathryn

Infertility? Who Knows.

So I haven't been wanting to write something just because even though that last post ended on a personal and downbeat tone it was a positive post. I don't want to cover that up. Oh and the Raw(e) post with 7 comments? OK sure 7 isn't a lot but heck I just about fell out of my chair (well, technically bed, thank you laptop) when I saw that. People actually are reading this! Who would have guessed?!?

So lets see, whats going on in the life of me. (Ha! That rhymed and it made me smile)

I leave in about 25 minutes to go to the lab to have blood work done. They (mostly me to be honest) are worried about my prolactin levels which some of my medicines can do, epically the Luvox(s). Yep I'm on 2 different kinds. But the other medicines could be causing all of these strange symptoms. I'm mostly concerned about the effect that hyperprolactinemia can cause on a woman's fertility. I have searched and searched and found only one study about children taking SSRI's through puberty and the affect it has on bones and most importantly to me, fertility. I don't want to have to struggle to have kids I want it to just come naturally, like it is suppose to be. I want to be pregnant and find some creative way to tell my husband that I'm expecting and I honestly thats not too much to ask.

I have 2 major, list-able fears: becoming bipolar and becoming infertile.

And its strange. I have NO family history of infertility. NONE. Nada. Zip. But I have had for the past few years this gut feeling that I was or would have problems one day. So I have had quite a fun time telling the people that brushed my concerns away that they were wrong and HA! But I have spent quite an equal amount of time crying. This is the first step in finding out a lot of information. If I do have hyperprolactinemia I would need my medicines changed around and that would just suck because I am finally stable for the first time, um, EVER, and I'm not too keen on changing that. I would need hormones. And no one has studied this really so there is no information that if this medicine is causing hyperprolactinemia leading be to be infertile now, if I change my medicines and the hyperprolactinemia goes away no one knows if the fertility would return or not. And then there is the question of what if the blood test comes back clean. Then I'm going to all sorts of doctors and tests and ugh I don't even want to go down that alley now.

So part of me hopes that it is hyperprolactinemia and part of me doesn't. I don know if I should be praying and hoping that the test comes back positive or not. I'm just unsure and the doctor is out of town so I cant ask him (Psych MD).

Then on Wednesday evening Dr. R goes out of town then with the next Monday being a holiday I wont see her for my normal 2 times a week. I hope that goes well. She is my constant right now. Last time she went out of town my sleep got turned upside down and I couldn't eat. I hope that things go better this time. But with the pending test results I don't know. I may just have to fall apart, or not, like I said I'm not sure what to think.

Either way  God will take care of me and like Dr.R assured me, she will be there with me every step of the way if I am infertile and if I have to go to China to get a kid like she did then heck, so be it. And if its not hyperprolactinemia  the she will still be there for me. My best friends are there for me and my wonderful teacher/mother-role person is there for me too.

Things are going to be OK.

Now the tricky part is believing that.

(Now if you will excuse me I have to get vials of blood drawn)

Audrey Hepburn Approved !

Raw(e) theme this week is PINK. 

I think that pink is amazing its my second favorite color right behind lilac. 

This clearly isn't a new image because well, there is a date on it. But it is from a little girl I babysit, Lea's, 1st birthday. The theme you ask? Why PINK OF COURSE!

I think I will leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes (about pink of course!) from the beautiful Audrey Hepburn!

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
— Audrey Hepburn

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Green Backs - Not a Civil War Thing Anymore

The Raw(e) theme this week is 

Green!

Before green meant environmentally friendly it meant... 

MONEY! 

And this is just about the cutest little mix of origami and money I have ever seen!

My aunt is a flight attendant and one of her first class passengers made this and gave it to her.

If I could edit I would mess with the contrast and crop (because as you can see from the weather thing on the right, it was a cloudy day when this was taken, right before it rained)

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Ramblings on Happiness

Happiness. 

When your 17 you think " Life sucks. I can't do anything on my own, I have those annoying people in my home called parents and I cant do anything I want to do. But when I am older and get married and have kids and my own house then I will be happy."

Here is the thing. Life sometimes does suck, but that's life. And Life can be annoying, irritating, irrational, pleasing, surprising, and if your lucky, fun. But no matter what 'Life' throws you, you can be happy. Its a choice. Its a choice in the way we spend our days, who we let near us, who we let into our heart, what we act upon, what we think, and most importantly when we choose to let happiness into our hearts. 

Because it is a choice. 

People treat happiness like they are entitled to it and someone is holding it just a little bit out of their grasp but that's not what it is. 

Ive been in therapy now for 1 year and 8 months and I think that I'm finally starting to understand it. I shouldn't look at the relationships in my life ( friends, family, or otherwise ) that have failed and I shouldn't look to the future for a sense of relief but I need a balance. Living in the present with a dash of future, a sprinkle of hope and an open heart. 

I started listening to my mind and my spirit and my body. I started really paying attention to what the people in my life say and how they act. I have started to lean on others. I have opened my eyes to the possibility that I don't need things to be happy, I just need to use that stubbornness I have. I open my eyes and tell myself that gosh darn it today is going to be a good day if it kills me. And what do ya know! It works most of the time.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. - Grey's Anatomy

We all put our selves through a lot, every day. We have good days and bad. Personally I have had a bunch of bad days reticently. I promised myself that I would document my therapy journey and that is the reason I am writing all of this.  But I do want to remember the bad as well. I want to remember how scared I have been to go to sessions, how lost I can get in my own thoughts, how just a simple phrase can send me into a panic attack or into my pit of PTSD thoughts or more recently my Pandora's box of years of repressed anger and pain. The images that I have that are purely my brain taking all of my deep buried pain and putting it into a complex solid image. The horrible things that I see and think about. But also I want to remember the hope that I have. The hope that things will work out, that I will be able to choose happiness, the hope that this will get better with time, hard work and dedication (and of course the wonderful Dr. R, and the members of my support boat). 

I deserve something beautiful and it takes work, and I have no idea what that beautiful thing is yet, but I'm excited to find out. 

I Am With You Because You Remember Me

Today is my Grandmother's birthday. Today she would have been 92 years old. Today I should be going to visit her in the nursing home and bringing a cake. Today I should be answering the phone for her and talking to her sisters, updating them about how she is doing. Today I should be spoon feeding my Grandmother chocolate pudding, handing her jellybeans, and enjoying the one perk of Alzheimer's- being able to give the same gift about 30 times each with a caring, loving and grateful reaction from my Grandmother. Today I should be laying in bed with her napping. Today I should be celebrating.

Instead I will be going to therapy. Instead I will be mourning the loss of the most amazing woman I have ever met. Instead of singing happy birthday, I will be listening to her favorite song hoping she can hear it. Instead of watching her eat cake, I will be picturing her eating cake in Heaven. Instead of having balloons to hand to her I will be writing loving messages on them and releasing them to the sky.

Today there should  be happiness. Instead there will be sorrow and tears as another reminder of not having her here is rubbed in my face.

I Believe in PINK!

Well I have a concision. Thanks to my 14 year old brother who beat me up, I have had quite a horrible 13 days to top off one of the worst vacations in the history of family vacations. So while waiting for my MRI results from the neurologist within the hour to determine if I need surgery or not I figured I would root through my pictures and participate in this weeks photo contest. 

The theme?

Lamps!

I took this back in January of my 4 year old cousin's dresser. The poor girl couldn't figure out why, for the life of me, I was taking a picture of her dresser when I can just look at it. Ahh the innocent mind of a 4 year old. (Which I can relate to because this is day 2 of no painkillers from the past 10 days. I got to say, life is a lot easier when the furniture feels friendly)

Want to participate in this weeks Raw(e)?

Head on over to HERE and link on up!

Happy Shooting! 

(And I do mean pictures, I once got in trouble at school for yearbook saying I was going to go shoot the tennis team... poor choice of words so no guns, only cameras =) )

Conversations in a Hotel Room

3 am in an Ohio

Brother- Hey where did you get water from? I dont see a water fountain in here.
Me- The sink?
Brother- OH YEAH THERES WATER IN THERE!
Me- Yep its amazing isnt it.
Brother- Are we all gonna DIE from it?
Me- What, the water? I sure hope not!
Brother- Oh, good, I thought it was poisoned or something
Me- Who poisons hotel tap water?
Brother- I dont know.

RAW(e) Desserts

This weeks RAW(e) theme is

DESSERTS

I love to bake and made these cupcakes in December (which works out well since I don't feel like going and baking something for this weeks entry). Later in the decorating process they had snowflakes piped onto them but I liked this picture the best. 

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

A Look Into My Childhood- You Lucky Duck!!!

So I'm trying to keep that promise of being more optimistic in my posts but golly is that hard. I'm really not much of a "glass half full" kinda gal.

Ive been going through what the people in the medical world call a Major Depression. Mine was brought on by several factors but running/managing a red cross blood drive almost single handily (on the student part, my advisor did all the advisor stuff ) and by the end of that we were both so exhausted we wanted to beat people with a burlap sack of nickels and then go take a butt load of lorazepam. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because 7 days after the blood drive I had yearbook distribution day which, as Business Manager, I played a huge role in that stressful event. I didn't make it all the way through yearbook distribution day, I got so overwhelmed and stressed out I ended up curled up in the fetal position behind a teachers desk for several hours. 9 days after that was exams and then summer started. By that point I was in full fledged Major depression, I was on Suicide Watch 24/7 for several weeks and it was FINALLY lifted last Wednesday. Lots of therapy, talk of the hospital, and being drug around places I didn't want to go to for almost two months. Although Suicide Watch was never my favorite thing it did help seeing as I was in a deep dark abyss of depression.

So in the midst of all of that I went to Disney for a national competition I placed for (didn't win but I didn't expect to) and now my support team has decided they are all in need of a vacation so they are all gone for the week. But I kept telling them that I will be fine and I am, however there was something I found surprising. I miss them!

Now I had said somewhere before that because my mother was hospitalized for several months and was seriously ill for about 1.5 years, that's when my father started drinking. As a 8 year old it was just me and my 5 year old brother. I had to grow up to protect us, get us to the grocery store for food, pack lunches, do laundry, do homework with him, make sure he took a bath every once in a blue moon and other mom stuff in addition to being in 5th grade and trying not to reveal that we were in such bad shape; because I knew we would end up in the foster care system and I didn't want that. So I grew up. I became 30 because I had to. I became hyper vigilant and expected the worst out of everything. I had to. But because I had to grow up so fast I lost some emotions- mostly regret.

However with the help of a really good therapist and support team I am having to learn the things that I skipped over when I became 30. Things like trust. I never trusted anyone until now. I was use to it just being me. My motto from the age of 7 was " I am Kathryn and I can do anything, I don't need anyone else because I am Kathryn gosh darn it!" It worked. But now I am slowly letting people into the save haven I created out of protection (and when I say slowly I mean Ive been working for almost 2 years and I fully trust 2 people and 1 or 2 friends).

So when everyone went on vacation this week I told them that I would be fine because I'm use to being alone and fending for myself its what I've done for years certainly I can do it another week. I am fine but I discovered another lost emotion. I miss them!

This whole feeling of needing someone other than just me is totally new to me. And to be frank- I'm not sure if I like it or not. I was fine all on my own (in my opinion) and now that I have people to lean on I don't like the idea that if they leave I don't function as I normally would.

Its the kinda thing I would talk out in therapy - but shes on vacation. Aah the sheer irony.

So that has been my past month or so. Now I just wait until Monday when everyone will be back. I cant wait!

Raw(e) Flower-o-rama Lily Pad Style

The theme for this week:

FLOWERS

I recently perticipated in the HOSA national competition at Disney where I stayed at the beautiful Coronado Springs resort. I loved the beautiful and huge lake covered in lily pads in bloom (I had never actually seen one before) and all sorts of tropical plants. It just seems amazing to me (and has since I was little) that a flower or plant can grow on water with no soil, sand or anything.

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Tis Story Time My Children!

Its a nice June day, about 75 outside and Kathryn and Becca are about 30-35 years of age, sitting on a porch. They are sitting in their favorite white painted rocking chairs watching their young babes run around together playing in a water sprinkler. Their husbands, dressed in the proper attire, are out back grilling (vegetarian food of course! ) and talking about what ever it is that men talk about, sports I guess. Its a beautiful way to end the week with the Friday get together.

Each week, its all the children talk about. "Momma! Momma! Momma! Is it time for Aunt Becca, Isabelle, Adam, Joseph and Abraham to come over yet?" Kathryn smiles and responds " No, sweetheart but tomorrow they will be here" Little Jacques, Addison, and Izzy Bree run along to go make a fort out of the couch cushions.

On the porch Kathryn and Becca talk about the news, new gossip, shoe shopping, work, the newest apple invention, and of course the newest addition to Kathryn's life - being pregnant again with a little girl to be named Meredith Celia Juliette.

The two eldest babes Jacques (4.5 years old) and Isabelle (4 years old) come running across the lawn. "MOMEEEEE WE HAVE A QUESTION!!!" they bellow in unison. Once the reach the beaming mothers, happy to answer the question, the children ask how their Mommies met.

Becca begins " When we were little but almost grownups we had a science class together - you know science remember they have a science center at daycare- Aunt Kathryn got confused a lot in that class but I helped her until she had to go to another class."

Kathryn picks up "But your Aunt Becca and I kept talking to each other, all the time! Some times even when we were not suppose to be talking *smiles at children* but we soon became best friends"

"Just like me and Jacques!"Isabelle chimes in

"Exactly sweetheart! Just like you and Jacques."

"But one day Aunt Kathryn got sick. Aunt Kathryn could only lay in bed all day and look at the ceiling all day long. She couldn't go outside, she couldn't listen to music, she couldn't even do her school work, she was really sick!"

Kathryn takes over "Because I was so sick some people got scared and left me alone, but I was sick with something different, not like the sniffles, no this sickness was in my brain. To get better I had to go to the doctor every single day and after a few days, no one was left, the all got scared and left but Aunt Becca was there. Aunt Becca and I talked and talked all day and all night and sometimes even when I was feeling the worst, Aunt Becca would make me giggle."

Becca chimes in " We would both giggle"

Kathryn remembers, "That's right! And Aunt Becca would invite me to places even though all I wanted to do was lay in bed. But there was something special Aunt Becca did that I can never ever EVER repay her for- Aunt Becca kept me from dying."

"Like Skippy the turtle that went to sleep forever? " Jacques asked, intrigued

"Yes darling just like that. Aunt Becca kept me from dying a lot of times. When I would feel my worst she would talk to me about her day, her teachers, how pretty it was outside and lots of other stuff too and I would feel better and I wouldn't die, the sickness in my brain would go away for a little bit." said Kathryn.

"Because your Aunt Becca cares so much about me she didn't want me to die, she loved me so much even when she was scared she didn't show it, she showed her bravery and her strength, just like a super hero. Aunt Becca was my super hero."

" And Aunt Kathryn helped me too, we were each other's super hero. And you guys know the rule with super hero's right? They can never leave each other. They are destined to be best friends for ever and ever. And that my darlings is how your Aunt Becca and Aunt Kathryn met." Becca and Kathryn smile as they continue to rock in their chairs. The children run back to tell their brothers and sisters about the story, a faint "Did you know Mommy was a super hero?" can be heard in the back ground although all Kathryn and Becca can focus on is remembering that time in their lives when thing were so unknown, when institutionalization was a serious option and when Kathryn almost went down the wrong path, only to be saved by her super hero, her best friend Becca.

The End

Who Knew That 'Yay' Wasn't in the Dictionary?

Things are turning around.

Its been a rough few months and I know that Ive been using this blog to vent. I mean its my blog so I guess I can write whatever I want to.

However I have been really negative. Its been a tough few months.

My brother and Grandfather were both hospitalized, my mom went through 4 circles of mania to depression and back in a record time. Therapy has been hard (well its always hard but still) and with a record amount of pollen this year and me having asthma, I haven't been able to breathe for about 4 months. A fellow blogger I followed passed away from her life long battle with Cystic Fibrosis. A lot of stress with finals coming up. Oh and I'm getting over gastroenteritis this past 5 days or so. Either way I've been crabby and negative and I do feel bad about that.

Its so easy to be negative.

So easy to look at the bad and forget to see the good. Sometimes its hard to see the good. Sometimes its REALLY hard to see. But its always there, and I forgot that.

Ive been so self centered lately and I feel bad about that. No positive posts. I feel bad that whoever the heck reads this (and I know someone does because the counter is almost up to 600 views(WOW)) has been reading negative after negative after negative since about January or so.

So a happy post.

Hm lets see.

How about I just name positives?

Yea that's a start.

---------------------------

Ha ha well I just smiled because that line looks like the ones from emails when something is forwarded to like 245793457039485 people. Admit it, you know exactly what I'm talking about!

I have both of my parents alive

I have a bed to sleep in

Ive made progress in therapy

I laugh and smile at little things

When I get to a point where I can either curl up in a ball, fall apart and cry or just laugh- I laugh

I have a God that loves me

I'm going to HOSA nationals for something even my Drs never imagined I would do well in (HA I was right!)

I meed with my psych MD tomorrow and I wont need medicine changes =D

I have two best friends that I can go to for almost anything

I know someone else who has a mom with bipolar

I have a woman who I love as a mother and she loves me too

I know exactly where I want to go to college and what I have to do to go there

-Ive already talked to them and they want me to go there

-Yea I think in lists and sub lists under the lists

-No its TOTALLY not odd!

I'm good at making lists!

I thrive under stress

I'm wearing comfortable socks which makes me smile

-----------------------------------------------------------

So there we have it a list (which I'm pretty good at making =) ) of positive things. I think it kinda warped into a ' Kathryn, remember your good at stuff ' list but oh well. It works.

Well there it is, the start of positive blogging. Although I cant promise there wont be any venting but I will try my best.

Well I'm gonna head on to bed since its almost 3 am and I am finally able to try and go to school again tomorrow (Although I did sleep on and off for like 16 hours today). Yay! (No. I'm serious on the yay, Ive been in bed for days now its getting really old)

Manic at the Disco

Mania. Oh how I hate you!

Mania isn't just hyperactivity around here. OH no. That would be too easy! Its about 4 days of rage filled people ganging up against you. Not just violence, what kind of orange juice to buy, what to have for dinner, should the music/volume of something be turned around, etc. And boy is it starting to get on my nerves!

It would also be too easy to have just 1 person with bipolar in this house. Nope gotta have two, so two times the medicine, two times the anger, two times the irrational behavior and OH boy do these 2 affect each other in their cycles.

My brother was hospitalized (medical, not psych) on Tuesday and released on Wednesday. This spun my mother into a spontaneous manic state. It was only exacerbated when my grandfather was hospitalized on Wednesday almost dying of hypothermia for no apparent reason. My mother isn't suppose to be manic right now, she is suppose to be in that time of about a week where she is normal. But she is manic like crazy right now which makes my brother also change in his cycle pattern and become manic as well.

And they are not just like hyper. They are angry, violent, short fused, ticking time bombs of rage, make you want to run and hind in a hole for the next week or so kind of manic.

I hate it.

So much so that even though I am no where near the child bearing state of my life, I have been thinking about how close I was to my grandmother and if I want that for my children when I have kids.

My mom wants to be a grandmother more than ANYTHING in the ENTIRE WORLD.

But for my kids future would I want them to be around someone like that?

I know first hand what constant exposure to my mother is like and what it does to a person's mental health. (Not good people, NOT GOOD)

I also have someone who is near and dear to my heart that is for all intents and purposes, my mother. I have no relation with this woman, but for some reason we just kinda clung to each other. No idea why but I sure am glad it happened. She is emotionally stable, a kind, good hearted woman that is so loving its actually bringing me to tears as I type this.

I want her as my mother. I really do. I would trade in a heart beat with no regrets.

I know with open adoptions (not that I'm adopted or would ever be put up for adoption) as the child grows older it is explained to them that their birth mom is special because she helped them find their family, the people that were suppose to raise them. That the child chose the birth mom to be their birth mom but they chose someone else to be their mommy and that the birth mother helped them find their true mommy.

Unrelated I know but still at the same time it is related. When I was younger I heard that before you are born you choose your parents and there were dozens of times I was on my knees yelling at God "WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CHOOSE THESE PEOPLE?!?!? I'M NOT THAT STUPID AM I ?!?" But I think I might finally get it. I think that before I was born I choose my parents to raise me but I choose this woman to be my mom.

She loves me like a daughter and I love her like a mother and we have even talked about when I do have kids would I be open to letting her see them and be like an unofficial grandmother. Of course I said yes I would LOVE for that to happen I would love my kids to get to know her and have her in their lives. But the more I think about it, the more I think about how much I want her to be their grandmother instead of my mother.

My mother is bipolar. She is going to be bipolar until the day she dies. There is a good chance she would treat my children the same way that she treats me. I would never wish that upon anyone! Let alone my children.

I'm torn. I have a decision to make when I go to collage soon. I will be on my own and I can choose to move anywhere and not have any contact with my family if I want to. Most days that's what I want. Just to go run off to Russia or something (eh maybe somewhere less cold).

But I would ultimately be hurting myself and my kids. Would I tell them about my family? Would I invite them to my wedding even? Would I have my mom told that I had a child? Would I raise my children not knowing anything of their grandmother and just let the loving one who whats to be a grandmother to my children be the sole grandmother? What would happen if/when they found out? How would I explain it? If I just say they are all dead would that work? Would they understand and forgive me? Would they try and find the members of my side of the family? How would my mother react?

OK. Enough questions aka the constant thought process of someone with 4 panic disorders brought on by living in this environment.

I don't know what to do. I have time to decide but still its not a black and white decision. Its all grey, 100% of it.

Can someone just give me the answers? I'm kinda drowning over here!

Its Been a Bad Day, Week, 12 Days - You Pick

How do you measure a bad day?

Is it bad because you got stung by a bee or bad because you got in a fight with your friend or bad for some other reason? Is it the thoughts we have that make it a bad day or the outside factors we cannot control that make it a bad day?

Do you ever just look at every single thing that's happened in your day and by all means it should be a bad day but for some reason it doesn't feel like one?

Ive had one of those days.

4 panic attacks, 1 PTSD flash back, my mother and brother blaming me for my fathers affair, my brother telling me to my face he wishes I was dead (then my mom saying nothing even when I asked her to do something) a 15 minute call to Dr.R for help and she basically told me to just take my medicine and go to sleep. Ive cried 2 times today, emotionally shut down, and got home and just slept for 6 hours because I just couldn't do it anymore.

By all means it should be a bad day.

Thing is-

It doesn't feel like it.

I don't feel like much these days. Just a depressed glob. Going through the motions of life. Not enjoying anything, not really caring about much, just going through the motions. I could not leave my bed for 4 days. I just starred at the ceiling for 4 days in a row. That's depression. I'm forgetting to breathe sometimes. The still recovering broken nose my brother gave me because he was mad doesn't help.

Sleeping is the only good thing. I'm dreaming again. Granted the dreams may be kinda crazy and suck most of the time ( During my nap today I dreamt that my history teacher had a baby with downs syndrome and a cleft palate. I deeply dislike my history teacher, now shes popping up in my dreams. Great... ) but they are better than being awake.

I guess its the lesser of 2 evils.

I can deal with odd dreams about bad things and people I don't necessarily like. I can do that.

I can sleep.

I can dream.

I can finally get out of bed.

I can go to school. ( Cant do the work but I can show up which is a major improvement over last week)

I can hold a conversation.

I can go through the motions with little to no emotion involved.

I can write again.

I can be here.

I can even make a crappy list of things I can do.

This hasn't killed me yet. I'm too stubborn to let it.

Well my parents always said me being possibly the most stubborn person in the entire world might come in handy later in life.

Guess they might of been right.

A Poem for English Class

Sitting through a ninety minute class

taking notes

listening

learning

bell rings

silently cheering

not because the class is over

but because there wasn't a panic attack

No one stared at you

watching you hyperventilate

breathing

in

out

in

out

holding your breath to stop it

hiccups

lights flicker

teacher speaks too loud

its like turning on a light switch

"What causes them" they ask

I don't know !

"If I did do you honestly think I would be in therapy two times a week?"

Having a therapist on speed dile

Having a back up therapist

and a back up for the back up therapist

and yet ANOTHER back up therapist

just in case the first three don't answer

Pills

seven to twelve per day

physically tied to a bottle

every moment of every day

frustration

There is no time line for when they will go away

that is IF they go away

Will the attack last thirty seconds? Minutes? Hours?

Will they be around for another month? Year? Decade? Forever?

SSRI

Benzodiazaphines

SNRI

Paxil

Luvox

Effexor

Ativan

Xanax

Prozac

Clozapine

Lexapro

Zoloft

Just to name a few off the "failed" list

Side effects each one worse than the last

Doctor decides that one isn't working and needs to be taken off immediately

Withdrawal

How do you explain this all to a teacher?

I didn't do my homework because...

I was throwing up

I had a migraine

I had heart palpitations all night

I was seeing things that were not there

Every time thought about the assignment I had a panic attack so severe the doctor thought it was a seizure

Explaining to friends that you cant go out

wanting to more than anything to be a normal teenager

be seventeen

no worries

parties

dating

free

Alas you cant

worrying if that drink was spiked with something

would you need to be rushed to the emergency room because of a drug interaction

Would you be so far gone that you couldn't tell anyone what medicines your on

That's OK

because there is a list of them with you everywhere you go

purse

wallet

backpack

sticky note on ID cards

Having to teach friends what to do if you panic

more importantly what NOT to do

Maybe it would be easier if there was a "do not touch" sign tattooed somewhere

even your mother can not touch you

too much stimulation

having friends taking high school psychology

asking you about symptoms

diagnosing you with various things

schizophrenia

bipolar

borderline personality disorder

getting texts asking about treatment options

"Have you tried hypnotherapy ?"

Like they know more about this than you

Just wanting to scream!

Does it help?

No.

But then again

Nothing does.

The View From Here

Dr. R told me to write about how I'm feeling at this moment so that when things are rough she can say "Go read what you wrote." But I think I should give a little background info before I do that.

God has a HUGE sense of humor. No ifs ands or buts. So when He made his giant plan I guess He thought it would be humors to have the person with diagnosed Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Panic Attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to go compete in a health competition where she does public speaking on the spot. Extemporaneous Speech. You are given a topic, put in a room with no books, computer or anything for 10 minutes and then you give a 5 minute speech to a panel of judges. Nerve racking to even the best of public speakers.

So lets just add in a dash of those 4 anxiety disorders and see how they do.

The answer? Pretty darn well. I placed at regional because of a loophole ( The top 4 people go to state competition and I placed 4 out of 4 contestants ) so when I got to state and placed 3rd out of 35 people- Oh my.

I'm telling you- Big Guy Upstairs has quite the sense of humor.

So how I'm feeling. Hm.

Shocked? I guess that's the best word to describe it. I cant even remember from the time my name was called until about 3 minutes after I sat down. Good thing there are pictures that I can follow. Basically I was a deer in headlights with my jaw dropped then I sat down and cried for 15 minutes. Its still so surreal even a week later that I still cant believe it! I'm so happy though! I did wonderful things there I loved it at the conference! Symposiums are AMAZING. There is that book The Five People You Meet in Heaven and at the end there is something about when you die you get to choose where you live for the rest of your life and one lady choose an eternity of weddings. I would choose an eternity of health seminars. They were spectacular. I loved it! I learned how to intubate and I got to learn about parts of the robot for robotic cardiovascular surgery and so so so much more! I was having days from 7 am until 11 or 12 midnight just full of learning and meeting new people and just oh it was SO much fun!

Back to the 3rd place metal- I don't even really know what to think! It was never even considered that ANYONE in my group that competed in different events would place in the top three. Its the first year we have even had this group or competed. I was the only one to place so in 80 something days I will be in Disney competing against the other 149 people in the country that placed in my event. That's kinda scary but its not even about the event or placing or not. I don't care about that. I have made so many therapy related milestones during that event that winning is just the icing on the cake. I ate in a restaurant. Well the mall. But still! I haven't been able to eat in public since I was about 4. Ive been going through the steps for CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and exposure therapy so that I can do things like eating out again. I was away from my family for 3 days (in a new place) - haven't done that since I was 7 or 8. I only had 1 panic attack the ENTIRE TIME! and I didn't need to take my adivan except for 1 time. I was virtually med (excluding my daily ones) free for the whole thing and I competed med free and I traveled there and back med free and I remembered what its like to have fun again.

I'm happy, shocked and mostly proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. I did this all by my self. No one was forcing me, I wanted to do everything. I loved it.

I cant wait to go to Florida ! Its going to be so much fun!

So there we have it - how I'm feeling now (excluding the beginnings of a migraine and the anxiety and stress over a paper I needed to write last week and still haven't- figured I would make this a positive post).

Look for the Good and Let Everything Else Fall Away

Health Care Reforms. Your either for it, against it, or have been living under a rock for the past year.

Me and my family? Totally, 100% undeniably for health care reforms.

In all reality-We all are a bunch of crazed lunatics! We NEED health care and insurance and heck I'm going into college in a year and a half where insurance will be hard to find.

But now, thanks to the democrats ( I would say people, however NO republicans in the House voted yes) I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS!

It all started when i was about 8 or 9 and started on medicines. My brother and mom were already on them so it wasn't really a big deal (well it was but that's a totally different story) for me to go on them; but I couldn't really see a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone I knew that was on these medicines was on them for years and year and years and therapy sessions one after the other and blood tests and all sorts of things that cost money.

My first question was would I have to take these medicines for a long time- the answer was yes.

Then I asked how long 'a long time' would be- 2 months, 2 years, 10 years, my whole life? Well I couldn't (and still cant) get a good expected time out of my doctor but I was told that at least through college. I was kinda content with that, I mean I was like 8 I could deal with this for 10 years and I mean medicines cant be THAT expensive- Can they?!?

Then we got the prescription filled.

Now at 8 it seems like money is worth more than it is. $5 is like $50. So when I saw the price of the medicine that we paid then looked on the bag, saw how much insurance paid and added them together, well lets just say I started to freak out a little bit.

How the heck am I going to pay for this when I'm in collage!?!?!!?! I don't want a job! I want to just learn! And that was just a 30 day supply! I'm gonna be living out of a box just to pay for these medicines !

My mom looked up under our insurance and discovered that I was covered under hers if I was a full time student until I was 21. Then I was kinda screwed. I was planning not even a month ago to go ahead and get my CNA degree so that while I'm working full time as a student getting my dream job I could e working in an environment that was at least related- I mean CNA sure beats the heck out of being a bagger down at Food Lion. Then I would have to come straight out of school and find a job within weeks because there was no way I could afford these medicines I'm on now, the 2 times a week therapy, and all the other stuff that a person just out of collage needs to buy- like a house.

But now the dark ominous clouds of gray have finally cleared.

I am free. I don't have to worry about this as much. I don't have to be taking collage courses in high school so I can work my way through collage. Now I can if that's what I want, but that's not my only option. I don't have to worry about not having a job and needing my medicines and worrying how I'm going to pay for these. I can focus on school, a part time job, and having some sort of life. I can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the moment where I don't have to worry so much in this moment. Because with 3 or 4 (I loose track) anxiety disorders and a handful of other psych disorders, the one thing I do best is worry.

But here's the thing- Every day, God puts something good in your life. Embrace it... and let all the other stuff just fall away.

If your for the reform, against it, or are living under a rock ( which i have to admit sounds pretty good on some of those rough days I have ) just embrace it, whats happened has happened. You can fight it with all your might and then learn to accept it or you can just look for the good things now and save that energy for another battle. Its all up to you.

I hope you will find the good in things. Even in the most horrible scenarios, good things are there you just have to look for them sometimes.

Liberation

So a few weeks ago I made myself a promise - to watch a movie starring Meryl Streep every night until I either died or ran out of movies of hers to watch. Somehow I think I will end up with the ladder.

At first it was because I had seen Mamma Mia like 14 times and LOVED every single moment of it! (Also because I needed something to tie me over from 5pm until an appropriate bedtime) However it has slowly transformed into something amazing.

I haven't been able to watch a movie a night because iTunes failed and I could not access everything I had bought but these past 2 nights I have been able to watch movies.

So far I have seen-

Mamma Mia

Out of Africa

Sophie's Choice

Heartburn

Postcards From the Edge

Julie & Julia

The Devil Wears Prada

It doesn't seem like much but I think Ive clocked at least 10 hours of movie time - which is more than Ive seen in the past 5 years combined. And though it started out as something to do and to see why people say Meryl Streep is the best actress of the century, it has turned into much, much more. Its almost therapeutic.

I have learned so much about ME from these movies. I know that sounds cliche ( and saying something sounds cliche, sounds cliche ) but its true.

I learned that I can identify with Anne Hathaway's character in the Devil Wears Prada and that I am overworked and overstressed and feel like that on most days,

Julie & Julia taught me about blogging and determination and will power,

Postcards from the Edge reemphasized that drinking and drugs are bad and I could identify with Meryl's character when her mother was an alcoholic in denial,

Mamma Mia helped me understand that your past doesn't have to change your future (and that Meryl can sing and ABBA is AMAZING (but then again I already knew that about ABBA)),

Out of Africa taught me that women are fully capable of doing everything a man can do and that women can lead a successful life without a man,

Heartburn taught me the that as hard as it is, sometimes leaving is the only (and best) choice.

Sophie's Choice- OH MY- that made me sob for almost an hour- the love a mother can have for her children both is an amazing, wonderful thing and a horrible burden all at the same time ( it will make more sense if you see the movie ).

All of these things are really things that I knew before but for some reason seeing them acted out just solidifies them in my mind. They give me strength, I can pull out quotes and apply them to my daily routine to make things go smoother.

But most importantly, this is something I am setting aside for myself to do every night. Its me time. Its time that I can step away from the world, watch an outstanding movie, and take care of me. Not have to worry about anything else just totally, 100% be focused on the movie and if something big happens in my house i just turn up the volume and try to not think about it. Its an hour and a half of my day that I can be alone and not have any stress.

Its time where I don't have anxiety and I never noticed how amazing that is just to be free even if it is for just an hour. Liberating. Relieving. Manumit.

So my advice ( if I am in any place to actually give advice is still up for debate :) )

Take some Me (or You, I guess) time every day. It doesn't have to be an hour it can be a cup of decaf coffee at 4 am where you can be alone and quiet, it can be just 3 minutes of locking yourself in a closet and blocking out the sounds of the world, anything.

Give yourself a chance to recharge and reflect or escape or do whatever it is that you need to do to get through the day.

If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

Pill Sorting and Pictures

Sometimes I feel tied to my medicines. Its annoying to have to take them every single day and have horrible side effects if I don't. I understand why I need them and I know that I need to take them every day but I mean come on I'm a teen! We as an age group kinda suck at responsibility. Responsibility to take care of pets, siblings, homework, everything! But lets just put the responsibility of taking care of one's self medically in their plate too. And Im not just talking 1 or 2 pills a day here. Im talking like 6 or 7 qd and up to 6 prn.

Just so you can get a reference and understand what I'm talking about here is a weeks worth of the daily ones.

All sorted out nicley into my handy dandy pill sorter thingy.

And ready to go for the week. Im not gonna lie I think it looks kinda artsy =)

But you know what? At the end of the day all that really matters is catching sight of the beautiful sunset.