Infertility? Who Knows.

So I haven't been wanting to write something just because even though that last post ended on a personal and downbeat tone it was a positive post. I don't want to cover that up. Oh and the Raw(e) post with 7 comments? OK sure 7 isn't a lot but heck I just about fell out of my chair (well, technically bed, thank you laptop) when I saw that. People actually are reading this! Who would have guessed?!?

So lets see, whats going on in the life of me. (Ha! That rhymed and it made me smile)

I leave in about 25 minutes to go to the lab to have blood work done. They (mostly me to be honest) are worried about my prolactin levels which some of my medicines can do, epically the Luvox(s). Yep I'm on 2 different kinds. But the other medicines could be causing all of these strange symptoms. I'm mostly concerned about the effect that hyperprolactinemia can cause on a woman's fertility. I have searched and searched and found only one study about children taking SSRI's through puberty and the affect it has on bones and most importantly to me, fertility. I don't want to have to struggle to have kids I want it to just come naturally, like it is suppose to be. I want to be pregnant and find some creative way to tell my husband that I'm expecting and I honestly thats not too much to ask.

I have 2 major, list-able fears: becoming bipolar and becoming infertile.

And its strange. I have NO family history of infertility. NONE. Nada. Zip. But I have had for the past few years this gut feeling that I was or would have problems one day. So I have had quite a fun time telling the people that brushed my concerns away that they were wrong and HA! But I have spent quite an equal amount of time crying. This is the first step in finding out a lot of information. If I do have hyperprolactinemia I would need my medicines changed around and that would just suck because I am finally stable for the first time, um, EVER, and I'm not too keen on changing that. I would need hormones. And no one has studied this really so there is no information that if this medicine is causing hyperprolactinemia leading be to be infertile now, if I change my medicines and the hyperprolactinemia goes away no one knows if the fertility would return or not. And then there is the question of what if the blood test comes back clean. Then I'm going to all sorts of doctors and tests and ugh I don't even want to go down that alley now.

So part of me hopes that it is hyperprolactinemia and part of me doesn't. I don know if I should be praying and hoping that the test comes back positive or not. I'm just unsure and the doctor is out of town so I cant ask him (Psych MD).

Then on Wednesday evening Dr. R goes out of town then with the next Monday being a holiday I wont see her for my normal 2 times a week. I hope that goes well. She is my constant right now. Last time she went out of town my sleep got turned upside down and I couldn't eat. I hope that things go better this time. But with the pending test results I don't know. I may just have to fall apart, or not, like I said I'm not sure what to think.

Either way  God will take care of me and like Dr.R assured me, she will be there with me every step of the way if I am infertile and if I have to go to China to get a kid like she did then heck, so be it. And if its not hyperprolactinemia  the she will still be there for me. My best friends are there for me and my wonderful teacher/mother-role person is there for me too.

Things are going to be OK.

Now the tricky part is believing that.

(Now if you will excuse me I have to get vials of blood drawn)