Ramblings on Happiness

Happiness. 

When your 17 you think " Life sucks. I can't do anything on my own, I have those annoying people in my home called parents and I cant do anything I want to do. But when I am older and get married and have kids and my own house then I will be happy."

Here is the thing. Life sometimes does suck, but that's life. And Life can be annoying, irritating, irrational, pleasing, surprising, and if your lucky, fun. But no matter what 'Life' throws you, you can be happy. Its a choice. Its a choice in the way we spend our days, who we let near us, who we let into our heart, what we act upon, what we think, and most importantly when we choose to let happiness into our hearts. 

Because it is a choice. 

People treat happiness like they are entitled to it and someone is holding it just a little bit out of their grasp but that's not what it is. 

Ive been in therapy now for 1 year and 8 months and I think that I'm finally starting to understand it. I shouldn't look at the relationships in my life ( friends, family, or otherwise ) that have failed and I shouldn't look to the future for a sense of relief but I need a balance. Living in the present with a dash of future, a sprinkle of hope and an open heart. 

I started listening to my mind and my spirit and my body. I started really paying attention to what the people in my life say and how they act. I have started to lean on others. I have opened my eyes to the possibility that I don't need things to be happy, I just need to use that stubbornness I have. I open my eyes and tell myself that gosh darn it today is going to be a good day if it kills me. And what do ya know! It works most of the time.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. - Grey's Anatomy

We all put our selves through a lot, every day. We have good days and bad. Personally I have had a bunch of bad days reticently. I promised myself that I would document my therapy journey and that is the reason I am writing all of this.  But I do want to remember the bad as well. I want to remember how scared I have been to go to sessions, how lost I can get in my own thoughts, how just a simple phrase can send me into a panic attack or into my pit of PTSD thoughts or more recently my Pandora's box of years of repressed anger and pain. The images that I have that are purely my brain taking all of my deep buried pain and putting it into a complex solid image. The horrible things that I see and think about. But also I want to remember the hope that I have. The hope that things will work out, that I will be able to choose happiness, the hope that this will get better with time, hard work and dedication (and of course the wonderful Dr. R, and the members of my support boat). 

I deserve something beautiful and it takes work, and I have no idea what that beautiful thing is yet, but I'm excited to find out.