Forget The Apocalypse! Lets Just Let Bipolars Run The Universe

I cant sleep. Nothing really new about that I go in cycles of insomnia quite often actually. Thing is I usually flip out of it in 3 or 4 days max. Well I haven't been sleeping more than 4 or 5 hours since like the 21st. When I go that long without sleep, well I take whatever I can get, even if that means like today sleeping from noon until 7pm when my parents decided it would be a nice, soothing and kind way to wake my up by turning the stereo system as high as it could go and having that startle me awake. And I was having a really nice dream too! Darn it!

Well, I need sleep there is no way around that. So for the past few days my doctor has given me the green light to go ahead and try various sleeping pills pretty much a new one every night until we find something that works. So far I'm on the 4th one. Well last nights didn't work so I was awake (after a short 2 hour nap) from 11 pm until 12 noon today. Then I FINALLY went to sleep on my own. Then was woken up (see above paragraph). Like anyone in my situation, I wasn't too crazy about this. Nah that's too kind, I hated it. I was and still am grumpy I needed sleep and they basically stole that away from me.

Any who I spend about an hour in my room waking up on my own terms and realize that its time for my new sleeping medicine. So I go downstairs and low and behold its nowhere to be seen. I ask my mom about it and she tells me shes hidden it. WAY TO GO MOM! Great parenting there ya know depriving your child of the medicine that she needs according to 2 licensed doctors and a licensed therapist. Yea my moms reasoning (word for word here people) Mom- " You don't NEED THEM!"

Me- "Umm I cant sleep and Dr. Re, Dr. M and Dr. Ru said I do because I cant sleep so can I please have my sleeping medicine?"

Mom- "You haven't been sleeping anyways so CLEARLY YOU DON'T NEED THEM!!!"

Me- "Umm well I kinda do you just said that I haven't been sleeping so maybe I should take a SLEEPING pill?"

Mom- "YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THEM BECAUSE YOU CANT SLEEP!"

Me- " Oh because that TOTALLY MAKES SENSE! I mean I cant sleep so by golly lets just deprive me of the medicine that might help me sleep while were at it!"

Mom- "AND YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO NAP EITHER! ha ha ha"

Me- "Oohhh so I cant sleep tonight because your not giving me my medicine and I cant sleep tomorrow either?"

Mom- "Yep"

Me- "Because that makes SOOOOOOOOO much sense! Thanks Mom I don't know what I would do without you and your clearly superior logic skills."

Yea thanks for that mother parent of the year right there. Lucky for me my mom is short like 5 feet tall short so i find it and I go in the big lock box of medicines that we have (Oh you know the one everyone who's bipolar has one! Its the new thing to have! Ours is even fireproof!) find what I need and take them up to my room.

Well she starts making fun of me (yes because that's what all great moms do, find their child's weak spot and poke it with a sharpened spear) because I didn't do well in Chemistry class. I told her that I did great in my MEDICAL class, heck even got an 98 on the exam. Well apparently that's not relevant at all I mean the fact that I'm even going to a state level in HOSA (a health competition!) and I even know how much to adjust her lithium levels when she gets a new medicine and I babysit a diabetic kid and can calculate just how much insulin to give him. But nope I'm a failure because I didn't do well in honors chemistry.

Now my mom is in a chat room with a whole bunch of bipolar people who will inevitably tell her shes right and I'm wrong. Because I mean one crazy, irrational and Illogical person isn't enough lets just add about 14 more to the mix and see what SPECTACULAR ideas they come up with!

Yea, "Were all doomed" was the phrase I was thinking of too.

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I have a new theory. Anyone that knows me well knows that I am fabulous at coming up with insane, unrealistic, ridiculous theories on life, people, the world, well just about anything. I know they are insane, and well, that just makes it fun.

My new theory you might ask? Oh, well nothing too complicated just that my family is being secretly recorded and the footage is being made into a comedy show ( or possibly a horrible day time soap opera ) for another country.

I mean COME ON! Just look at all Ive got going on here in my life! (see previous post (which was edited to be much, much less morbid))

Why I will give you a conversation that took place not 5 minutes ago.

My mother, my brother and I are all in our car driving home from visiting my Grandfather. My brother is listening to music on his iPod and its kinda loud.

Mother: Please, can you turn the volume down?
Brother: Why?
Mother: BECAUSE I SAID TO YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SMART A--!
Brother: WELL MAYBE I WILL JUST TURN IT UP LOUDER TO ANNOY YOU BOTH!!!
Mother: YEA THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE LETS JUST DRIVE KATHRYN INSANE WITH YOUR HORRID SATANIC MUSIC!
Brother : WELL SHES ALREADY CRAZY!
Mother: WELL YOUR KINDA RIGHT ABOUT THAT!
Brother: YEA I WISH SHE WOULD JUST GO DIE IN A HOLE!
At witch point they both start hurling insults at me and at one point my brother is threatening to hurt me. And I'm left there thinking to myself "What the firck just happened here?!?"

And eventually they both start threatening things at which point I, while still remaining calm, state that from a psychological and anthropological standpoint violence is what animals resort to when they cannot get their message heard and comprehended in the way they would like it to be. Humans only revert to violence when they fail at conversing first, get frustrated and THEN turn towards violence. Language is the reason that we don't go all caveman on one another, because we can speak and be heard.

Obviously this didn't help but I kinda blocked it all out after that point because It got me thinking that my family could make a great comedy show ( or daytime soap opera ) because really, when are you going to get such a diverse selection of people with such diverse intellect and scruples and cram them together in a car without a greater purpose?

So there must be hidden cameras around here somewhere to capture these moments in my life for the soul purpose of making a TV show for the German people. (But at least it will come with subtitles)

If one more person asks me how the hell im doing I think im going to finally snap

Lets just imagine for a minute what the world would be like if I wasn't here. I'm not sitting over here gloating, I'm just trying to get a good firm picture so that maybe I can justify suffering through the next year and a half until I leave this hell hole that is unfortunately my home. So for my depleting sanity can we please just come up with even 1 good reason why I should go through it anymore?
My brother threatens me and without notice or reason beat me up (Ive come close to several concussions), my mother hates me (and as a matter of face not 5 minutes ago just screamed it at me, along with the threats of calling the cops), my fathers cheating on my mom again and I seem the be the only one phased by it. School is falling apart. I haven't been able to sit through an entire class for weeks. My Grandaddy mistakes me for my 4 year old ASIAN cousin! My Grandaddy is going to die soon, like hospice soon. Ive been on a slippery slope with my religion. Yearbook is becoming more and more of a burden instead of a fun activity. I am a teenager who is running the financial aspect of a business. Who the hecks idea was it to give me 50,000 and give me no instructions on what the hell to do with it.
I'm sitting here, trying to think of maybe someone, any one's life Ive affected so that maybe I wont feel so worthless. I'm slipping back into what feels like my deep dark depression, I do nothing but cry, sleep and the only thing Ive eaten in days is grapefruit and tea. I cant be left alone anymore because I passed out from hyperventilating the other day.

Because, in all honesty, if this is what my life is, then why do I even try. Is it worth it? Has my 17 years here been any good to anyone?

My battery is running on empty and I don't know where to turn. So tonight I will forget my ideas of baking gingerbread, I will lay in bed, stair at the ceiling, and cry.

Can someone just wake me up when December ends?

Dark and Twisty

I cant take showers. Now don't get me wrong I bathe and all but it takes hours, days to mentally prepare myself and until now I had no idea why.

At first I had no idea why. For months now I have had no clue what-so-ever. But today in the 12 minutes it took me to take a shower, I realized why.

Its because its so quiet and so loud all at the same time. There is no noise other than the water splashing on the floor, my radio playing what ever top 20 song is on at the time, the sound of opening and closing the shampoo bottle and every once in a while something will fall and there is that noise. Its quiet, quiet beyond reason. And that leaves me with my thoughts.

The thoughts that play out scenarios of what if I was adopted into another family, the thoughts of how, maybe, just maybe my family isn't all messed up, the fear of slipping back into my depression or my eating disorder or dieing and wondering if anyone would notice, the thoughts of my grandfather, the only positive role model Ive had my whole life, slowly dieing in front of my eyes, the thought of my uncle coming to take my grandfather from me and move him 1/2 way across the country so far that its a different time zone, and so so much more. Things that are so horrible that I cant speak of, type, or even think of. Things so horrible that my mind has blocked them out of my conscious and subconscious mind.

Now anywhere else there are people. Now they may not be in eyesight or even hearing range, but they are there and I feel their presence. I feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, and all those other, better, adjectives that people feel. It makes me feel less alone in this big scary world. Even when I'm home alone there are the neighbors, I talk about things just to break the silence, I turn on the TV, all so I have something to think about.

But in the shower there are not any of those things, its just me and my thoughts for 12 straight minutes. And being alone with my thoughts is a scary, scary thing.

My thoughts are dark and twisty. My life seems to be headed in a dark and twisty path; so maybe, just maybe, I'm dark and twisty too.

I apologize in advance for some foul language.

December 17 is coming up.

There are many feelings I have about this date. Lets start out with the least important, I have 44 DPS due on the yearbook then and I'm personally responsible for quite a few of those so its stressful. However that's the least important one.

See December 17, 2007 was the day my mother and I answered the door to see a large military officer (huge man prob 6'4 and 300 lbs or so but it was all muscle. We'll call him Rob) and looked at us and asked if my fathers name was Pat. I asked why he needed to know and my mother stepped in. For the next 20 minutes or so my mother talked to this man while I stood, shocked, at all of these things he was accusing my father of. At one point I just collapsed. Rob was saying what my mother had been suspecting. My father was having an affair with Rob's little sister.

Rob's little sister knew that my father had a wife, 2 children and she had 2 children of her own( although much, much younger ). My father was also doing drugs, drinking, and was trying to start fights with Rob.

When my father got home the next day, after lots and lots of yelling, he came up to me and my little brother and attempted an apology. I remember it like it was yesterday. It went like this " I'm sorry that I had to resort to seeing that woman, BUT if YOU TWO weren't bickering all the time and stressing me out then I wouldn't of gone to see her." My brother accepted that 'apology' ( I use the term loosely) but I didn't. I knew better. I stormed out of the room and told him that if he wanted to sleep with a whore than that's on him, but there is no way in hell this is MY fault!

He hasn't spoken to me about it since.

But what really prompted this post (besides the date getting closer and closer) was just now when my brother told me that my dad has been drinking (and not like casual drinking, like getting drunk 3 or 4 times a week) because of me. Hes my father, I will give him that. But he thinks hes 20 and hes going to be 52 this month. He cannot take responsibility for his actions. I know all of these things because he thinks out loud without knowing. So he will say something simple to me like go wash the dishes and i will tell him to give me 5 minutes and i will go, but he turns around and within ear shot I can hear him insulting me, saying how I will never make it in the world on my own, how I'm a slob, how I'm just this overall bitch and how he cant wait a year until I go off to collage. And I'm not gonna sugar coat it, not this one. Things are bad in my house and I have been sugar coating them, but not with this one.

It is said that school aged girls in America only speak an average of 20 minutes with their fathers per day. I would be lucky to get that in 2.5 weeks. We don't talk. I hide from him and from the rest of my family. I cant talk to them. If I do, bad things happen. Violent things happen. So I go into my room, and pray to the good Lord that no one gets hurt today in a physical or emotional way.

I live in a dysfunctional family in every aspect of the term. This week alone I have talked to Dr. R 3 times and there is a good chance that I may be paging her again tomorrow, who knows.

In my house ( I would say family but see were more like room mates that happen to share DNA ) your either hugged or slugged and no one can predict it.

So i lay in bed repeating to myself
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink

And maybe, just maybe I can convince myself of that

I'm just tired of it all

I'm tired.

Tired of this stupid illness, tired of being the punching bag in this family, tired of being flat out punched, tired of having teachers talk about me behind my back and share my medical history ( or what little they know of it ), tired of having parents that don't care, tired of coming to school sobbing, tired of fearing that a teacher is going to call child protective services... again, tired of having to call my therapist, tired of having to miss class because of panic or some other reason, tired of people saying they understand what I'm going through, tired of sleeping, tired of not being able to sleep, tired of crying, tired of having to plaster on a smile all day when all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, tired of telling people I'm ok when everyone knows I'm falling apart, tired of the changes, tired of living here, tired of having to hide in my room so i don't get hurt, tired of having to take on the mother responsibilities in my family, tired of having to sort out pills and make sure everyone takes what they need to, tired of making sure the lights are turned off and the doors are locked before I go to sleep, tired of this freaking heater not working, tired of being sick, tired of having a grandfather who is going to die soon, tired of having to help my mom deal with her emotions regarding my grandfather, tired of having to play into his delusions to calm him down, tired of pain, tired of sorrow, and tired of being tired.

I'm just tired and I don't know how much longer I can take it.