Conversations in a Hotel Room

3 am in an Ohio

Brother- Hey where did you get water from? I dont see a water fountain in here.
Me- The sink?
Brother- OH YEAH THERES WATER IN THERE!
Me- Yep its amazing isnt it.
Brother- Are we all gonna DIE from it?
Me- What, the water? I sure hope not!
Brother- Oh, good, I thought it was poisoned or something
Me- Who poisons hotel tap water?
Brother- I dont know.

RAW(e) Desserts

This weeks RAW(e) theme is

DESSERTS

I love to bake and made these cupcakes in December (which works out well since I don't feel like going and baking something for this weeks entry). Later in the decorating process they had snowflakes piped onto them but I liked this picture the best. 

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

A Look Into My Childhood- You Lucky Duck!!!

So I'm trying to keep that promise of being more optimistic in my posts but golly is that hard. I'm really not much of a "glass half full" kinda gal.

Ive been going through what the people in the medical world call a Major Depression. Mine was brought on by several factors but running/managing a red cross blood drive almost single handily (on the student part, my advisor did all the advisor stuff ) and by the end of that we were both so exhausted we wanted to beat people with a burlap sack of nickels and then go take a butt load of lorazepam. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because 7 days after the blood drive I had yearbook distribution day which, as Business Manager, I played a huge role in that stressful event. I didn't make it all the way through yearbook distribution day, I got so overwhelmed and stressed out I ended up curled up in the fetal position behind a teachers desk for several hours. 9 days after that was exams and then summer started. By that point I was in full fledged Major depression, I was on Suicide Watch 24/7 for several weeks and it was FINALLY lifted last Wednesday. Lots of therapy, talk of the hospital, and being drug around places I didn't want to go to for almost two months. Although Suicide Watch was never my favorite thing it did help seeing as I was in a deep dark abyss of depression.

So in the midst of all of that I went to Disney for a national competition I placed for (didn't win but I didn't expect to) and now my support team has decided they are all in need of a vacation so they are all gone for the week. But I kept telling them that I will be fine and I am, however there was something I found surprising. I miss them!

Now I had said somewhere before that because my mother was hospitalized for several months and was seriously ill for about 1.5 years, that's when my father started drinking. As a 8 year old it was just me and my 5 year old brother. I had to grow up to protect us, get us to the grocery store for food, pack lunches, do laundry, do homework with him, make sure he took a bath every once in a blue moon and other mom stuff in addition to being in 5th grade and trying not to reveal that we were in such bad shape; because I knew we would end up in the foster care system and I didn't want that. So I grew up. I became 30 because I had to. I became hyper vigilant and expected the worst out of everything. I had to. But because I had to grow up so fast I lost some emotions- mostly regret.

However with the help of a really good therapist and support team I am having to learn the things that I skipped over when I became 30. Things like trust. I never trusted anyone until now. I was use to it just being me. My motto from the age of 7 was " I am Kathryn and I can do anything, I don't need anyone else because I am Kathryn gosh darn it!" It worked. But now I am slowly letting people into the save haven I created out of protection (and when I say slowly I mean Ive been working for almost 2 years and I fully trust 2 people and 1 or 2 friends).

So when everyone went on vacation this week I told them that I would be fine because I'm use to being alone and fending for myself its what I've done for years certainly I can do it another week. I am fine but I discovered another lost emotion. I miss them!

This whole feeling of needing someone other than just me is totally new to me. And to be frank- I'm not sure if I like it or not. I was fine all on my own (in my opinion) and now that I have people to lean on I don't like the idea that if they leave I don't function as I normally would.

Its the kinda thing I would talk out in therapy - but shes on vacation. Aah the sheer irony.

So that has been my past month or so. Now I just wait until Monday when everyone will be back. I cant wait!

Raw(e) Flower-o-rama Lily Pad Style

The theme for this week:

FLOWERS

I recently perticipated in the HOSA national competition at Disney where I stayed at the beautiful Coronado Springs resort. I loved the beautiful and huge lake covered in lily pads in bloom (I had never actually seen one before) and all sorts of tropical plants. It just seems amazing to me (and has since I was little) that a flower or plant can grow on water with no soil, sand or anything.

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!