Infertility? Who Knows.

So I haven't been wanting to write something just because even though that last post ended on a personal and downbeat tone it was a positive post. I don't want to cover that up. Oh and the Raw(e) post with 7 comments? OK sure 7 isn't a lot but heck I just about fell out of my chair (well, technically bed, thank you laptop) when I saw that. People actually are reading this! Who would have guessed?!?

So lets see, whats going on in the life of me. (Ha! That rhymed and it made me smile)

I leave in about 25 minutes to go to the lab to have blood work done. They (mostly me to be honest) are worried about my prolactin levels which some of my medicines can do, epically the Luvox(s). Yep I'm on 2 different kinds. But the other medicines could be causing all of these strange symptoms. I'm mostly concerned about the effect that hyperprolactinemia can cause on a woman's fertility. I have searched and searched and found only one study about children taking SSRI's through puberty and the affect it has on bones and most importantly to me, fertility. I don't want to have to struggle to have kids I want it to just come naturally, like it is suppose to be. I want to be pregnant and find some creative way to tell my husband that I'm expecting and I honestly thats not too much to ask.

I have 2 major, list-able fears: becoming bipolar and becoming infertile.

And its strange. I have NO family history of infertility. NONE. Nada. Zip. But I have had for the past few years this gut feeling that I was or would have problems one day. So I have had quite a fun time telling the people that brushed my concerns away that they were wrong and HA! But I have spent quite an equal amount of time crying. This is the first step in finding out a lot of information. If I do have hyperprolactinemia I would need my medicines changed around and that would just suck because I am finally stable for the first time, um, EVER, and I'm not too keen on changing that. I would need hormones. And no one has studied this really so there is no information that if this medicine is causing hyperprolactinemia leading be to be infertile now, if I change my medicines and the hyperprolactinemia goes away no one knows if the fertility would return or not. And then there is the question of what if the blood test comes back clean. Then I'm going to all sorts of doctors and tests and ugh I don't even want to go down that alley now.

So part of me hopes that it is hyperprolactinemia and part of me doesn't. I don know if I should be praying and hoping that the test comes back positive or not. I'm just unsure and the doctor is out of town so I cant ask him (Psych MD).

Then on Wednesday evening Dr. R goes out of town then with the next Monday being a holiday I wont see her for my normal 2 times a week. I hope that goes well. She is my constant right now. Last time she went out of town my sleep got turned upside down and I couldn't eat. I hope that things go better this time. But with the pending test results I don't know. I may just have to fall apart, or not, like I said I'm not sure what to think.

Either way  God will take care of me and like Dr.R assured me, she will be there with me every step of the way if I am infertile and if I have to go to China to get a kid like she did then heck, so be it. And if its not hyperprolactinemia  the she will still be there for me. My best friends are there for me and my wonderful teacher/mother-role person is there for me too.

Things are going to be OK.

Now the tricky part is believing that.

(Now if you will excuse me I have to get vials of blood drawn)

Audrey Hepburn Approved !

Raw(e) theme this week is PINK. 

I think that pink is amazing its my second favorite color right behind lilac. 

This clearly isn't a new image because well, there is a date on it. But it is from a little girl I babysit, Lea's, 1st birthday. The theme you ask? Why PINK OF COURSE!

I think I will leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes (about pink of course!) from the beautiful Audrey Hepburn!

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
— Audrey Hepburn

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Green Backs - Not a Civil War Thing Anymore

The Raw(e) theme this week is 

Green!

Before green meant environmentally friendly it meant... 

MONEY! 

And this is just about the cutest little mix of origami and money I have ever seen!

My aunt is a flight attendant and one of her first class passengers made this and gave it to her.

If I could edit I would mess with the contrast and crop (because as you can see from the weather thing on the right, it was a cloudy day when this was taken, right before it rained)

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Ramblings on Happiness

Happiness. 

When your 17 you think " Life sucks. I can't do anything on my own, I have those annoying people in my home called parents and I cant do anything I want to do. But when I am older and get married and have kids and my own house then I will be happy."

Here is the thing. Life sometimes does suck, but that's life. And Life can be annoying, irritating, irrational, pleasing, surprising, and if your lucky, fun. But no matter what 'Life' throws you, you can be happy. Its a choice. Its a choice in the way we spend our days, who we let near us, who we let into our heart, what we act upon, what we think, and most importantly when we choose to let happiness into our hearts. 

Because it is a choice. 

People treat happiness like they are entitled to it and someone is holding it just a little bit out of their grasp but that's not what it is. 

Ive been in therapy now for 1 year and 8 months and I think that I'm finally starting to understand it. I shouldn't look at the relationships in my life ( friends, family, or otherwise ) that have failed and I shouldn't look to the future for a sense of relief but I need a balance. Living in the present with a dash of future, a sprinkle of hope and an open heart. 

I started listening to my mind and my spirit and my body. I started really paying attention to what the people in my life say and how they act. I have started to lean on others. I have opened my eyes to the possibility that I don't need things to be happy, I just need to use that stubbornness I have. I open my eyes and tell myself that gosh darn it today is going to be a good day if it kills me. And what do ya know! It works most of the time.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. - Grey's Anatomy

We all put our selves through a lot, every day. We have good days and bad. Personally I have had a bunch of bad days reticently. I promised myself that I would document my therapy journey and that is the reason I am writing all of this.  But I do want to remember the bad as well. I want to remember how scared I have been to go to sessions, how lost I can get in my own thoughts, how just a simple phrase can send me into a panic attack or into my pit of PTSD thoughts or more recently my Pandora's box of years of repressed anger and pain. The images that I have that are purely my brain taking all of my deep buried pain and putting it into a complex solid image. The horrible things that I see and think about. But also I want to remember the hope that I have. The hope that things will work out, that I will be able to choose happiness, the hope that this will get better with time, hard work and dedication (and of course the wonderful Dr. R, and the members of my support boat). 

I deserve something beautiful and it takes work, and I have no idea what that beautiful thing is yet, but I'm excited to find out. 

I Am With You Because You Remember Me

Today is my Grandmother's birthday. Today she would have been 92 years old. Today I should be going to visit her in the nursing home and bringing a cake. Today I should be answering the phone for her and talking to her sisters, updating them about how she is doing. Today I should be spoon feeding my Grandmother chocolate pudding, handing her jellybeans, and enjoying the one perk of Alzheimer's- being able to give the same gift about 30 times each with a caring, loving and grateful reaction from my Grandmother. Today I should be laying in bed with her napping. Today I should be celebrating.

Instead I will be going to therapy. Instead I will be mourning the loss of the most amazing woman I have ever met. Instead of singing happy birthday, I will be listening to her favorite song hoping she can hear it. Instead of watching her eat cake, I will be picturing her eating cake in Heaven. Instead of having balloons to hand to her I will be writing loving messages on them and releasing them to the sky.

Today there should  be happiness. Instead there will be sorrow and tears as another reminder of not having her here is rubbed in my face.

I Believe in PINK!

Well I have a concision. Thanks to my 14 year old brother who beat me up, I have had quite a horrible 13 days to top off one of the worst vacations in the history of family vacations. So while waiting for my MRI results from the neurologist within the hour to determine if I need surgery or not I figured I would root through my pictures and participate in this weeks photo contest. 

The theme?

Lamps!

I took this back in January of my 4 year old cousin's dresser. The poor girl couldn't figure out why, for the life of me, I was taking a picture of her dresser when I can just look at it. Ahh the innocent mind of a 4 year old. (Which I can relate to because this is day 2 of no painkillers from the past 10 days. I got to say, life is a lot easier when the furniture feels friendly)

Want to participate in this weeks Raw(e)?

Head on over to HERE and link on up!

Happy Shooting! 

(And I do mean pictures, I once got in trouble at school for yearbook saying I was going to go shoot the tennis team... poor choice of words so no guns, only cameras =) )