Sitting through a ninety minute class
taking notes
listening
learning
bell rings
silently cheering
not because the class is over
but because there wasn't a panic attack
No one stared at you
watching you hyperventilate
breathing
in
out
in
out
holding your breath to stop it
hiccups
lights flicker
teacher speaks too loud
its like turning on a light switch
"What causes them" they ask
I don't know !
"If I did do you honestly think I would be in therapy two times a week?"
Having a therapist on speed dile
Having a back up therapist
and a back up for the back up therapist
and yet ANOTHER back up therapist
just in case the first three don't answer
Pills
seven to twelve per day
physically tied to a bottle
every moment of every day
frustration
There is no time line for when they will go away
that is IF they go away
Will the attack last thirty seconds? Minutes? Hours?
Will they be around for another month? Year? Decade? Forever?
SSRI
Benzodiazaphines
SNRI
Paxil
Luvox
Effexor
Ativan
Xanax
Prozac
Clozapine
Lexapro
Zoloft
Just to name a few off the "failed" list
Side effects each one worse than the last
Doctor decides that one isn't working and needs to be taken off immediately
Withdrawal
How do you explain this all to a teacher?
I didn't do my homework because...
I was throwing up
I had a migraine
I had heart palpitations all night
I was seeing things that were not there
Every time thought about the assignment I had a panic attack so severe the doctor thought it was a seizure
Explaining to friends that you cant go out
wanting to more than anything to be a normal teenager
be seventeen
no worries
parties
dating
free
Alas you cant
worrying if that drink was spiked with something
would you need to be rushed to the emergency room because of a drug interaction
Would you be so far gone that you couldn't tell anyone what medicines your on
That's OK
because there is a list of them with you everywhere you go
purse
wallet
backpack
sticky note on ID cards
Having to teach friends what to do if you panic
more importantly what NOT to do
Maybe it would be easier if there was a "do not touch" sign tattooed somewhere
even your mother can not touch you
too much stimulation
having friends taking high school psychology
asking you about symptoms
diagnosing you with various things
schizophrenia
bipolar
borderline personality disorder
getting texts asking about treatment options
"Have you tried hypnotherapy ?"
Like they know more about this than you
Just wanting to scream!
Does it help?
No.
But then again
Nothing does.
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