How Do You Measure A Year?

First I would like to state that in this 'year' my relationship with God has grown stronger than it ever has been.

According to the Balinese people a day doesn't not have to be 24 hours it can be more or it can be less. I think this idea is amazing. There have been days that I just wished they would end and I could start a new day. I am going to start incorporating this into my life. Today is a good day and I have not decided that I want it to be over with, so its not yet. Simple as that.

With those two things stated I would like to say that tomorrow (since today has not ended in my mind) I am returning to church after what I am going to deem as a year has passed. (Although it was anywhere from 10 - 15 months in reality, I cant remember, so I'm saying a year).

This year has been hard. And that's the biggest understatement I think I have ever said. I started not going to service because, well I had been going since I was 2 weeks old and I wanted a break. I wish I could say it was a better reason and I tried to make up other reasons but one day I am going to have to look at God and answer why and I might as well start telling the truth about it now. I had gone through a lot.

Looking back even further than a year, church service was giving me panic attacks. I didn't want it to; but it was. (This was before I had started seeing Dr. R and I didn't have a diagnosis for anything). The Social Anxiety Disorder was at its worst and it was controlling my mind. It would convince me that everyone in the big sea of people was staring at me, watching my every movement and everyone was judging me. My mother thought I was being stupid about this and kept telling me that people are self conscious and are only worried about themselves. I was fine and I needed to get over these little episodes and get my butt back into service.

Walking out on a sermon apparently is frowned upon.

I started seeing Dr. R. Between the two of us we determined that I was having panic attacks. She talked to my Psych MD and he rearranged all of my medicines. I got Ativan. It helped and I continued to go to church.

About a year later my grandfather got sick. I had never been to church without either my Grandmother or Grandfather there and since my Grandmother had passed away he was the only one that I needed. But he was in the hospital. It got unbearable going. I tried a few times but I needed an 82 year old man there to hold my hand and I needed an 82 year old man to wake up every few minutes. I loved him there, I needed him there and he wasn't there.

I stopped going.

I selfishly thought that people would notice and they did. I got emails of concern for a few weeks but then it was like everyone just forgot about me. I wanted to see if they would come back or if they had given up hope in me ever going back so I waited. (For the record only 1 person ever asked me to come back)

So why go back?

My relationship with God is better than ever. I think a year away from everything, where it is just me and the Lord, was what I needed. I needed to have that relationship that I believe the church environment was hindering me from having with my Lord. I needed it to face the things the past year has thrown me. I only formed the relationship oddly enough, when I was suicidal. God is the only one that pulled me through that, that actually never ever left my side. He was committed to me and I am forever grateful. When my concussion happened a few months later I had the relationship with Him to lean on and I let Him hold me and I fully trusted in Him for the first big thing in my life and it was wonderful. He healed me. I still am not 100%, more like 85% but still, He healed me and although since this past Thursday the idea of being 85% has brought several tear-filled moments to me, I trust Him. I thank Him for where I am.

I think there are several reasons that I need to go back though. My blogging friend Eva passed away 6 months ago and that has hit me much harder that I ever thought. The foster children I watched are now back with their father. The book Eat Pray Love has helped me more than I ever thought. I have a handle on my panic and SAD. Its just time to go back.

But I think that the event that is really making me go back is something this past week with my mother figure. I wont go into details but because of a panic attack I went to her until I came out. I found something, a little list she had made, inside her desk while I was cleaning it out. (It helps me when I have something to touch and a little task to do and this is perfect- I get out of my panic and she gets a clean desk. We established this as my task a long time ago). It was a personal list of hers that no one was suppose to see that she scribbled and threw into her desk. I saw it. A list of names and some things written next to the names like "cancer" or "from church" but then there were my initials, what she calls me when shes writing my name and "student" written next to it. I know without a doubt that this is me and this is her prayer list.

She prays for me. I don't know what she prays about for me but she does. There could be thousands of things shes praying about, I don't know. I never will. But the thought that crossed my mind is that someone cares.

Someone cares enough that they ask the Lord for something on my behalf.

I was never suppose to see this. At least in her and my mind. But I think that this is part of God's plan. He knew all along that this would be the thing that sent me back to the church. He knew because He planned it.

The Lord's plan for me (and others) is complicated. But sometimes, on the rarest of rare occasions, things can seem simple and clear and this is the Lord giving us a peak into His plan for us.

So tonight I will pray for everyone that will ever read this or ever come into contact with this. I don't know what you are going through and I will never know. But I want you to know that I am praying for you, for your journey in life to be amazing, for you to have a clear sense of direction, a peak into God's plan for you, and to know that someone out there in the big big world is thinking of you and praying for you.