Its Been a Bad Day, Week, 12 Days - You Pick

How do you measure a bad day?

Is it bad because you got stung by a bee or bad because you got in a fight with your friend or bad for some other reason? Is it the thoughts we have that make it a bad day or the outside factors we cannot control that make it a bad day?

Do you ever just look at every single thing that's happened in your day and by all means it should be a bad day but for some reason it doesn't feel like one?

Ive had one of those days.

4 panic attacks, 1 PTSD flash back, my mother and brother blaming me for my fathers affair, my brother telling me to my face he wishes I was dead (then my mom saying nothing even when I asked her to do something) a 15 minute call to Dr.R for help and she basically told me to just take my medicine and go to sleep. Ive cried 2 times today, emotionally shut down, and got home and just slept for 6 hours because I just couldn't do it anymore.

By all means it should be a bad day.

Thing is-

It doesn't feel like it.

I don't feel like much these days. Just a depressed glob. Going through the motions of life. Not enjoying anything, not really caring about much, just going through the motions. I could not leave my bed for 4 days. I just starred at the ceiling for 4 days in a row. That's depression. I'm forgetting to breathe sometimes. The still recovering broken nose my brother gave me because he was mad doesn't help.

Sleeping is the only good thing. I'm dreaming again. Granted the dreams may be kinda crazy and suck most of the time ( During my nap today I dreamt that my history teacher had a baby with downs syndrome and a cleft palate. I deeply dislike my history teacher, now shes popping up in my dreams. Great... ) but they are better than being awake.

I guess its the lesser of 2 evils.

I can deal with odd dreams about bad things and people I don't necessarily like. I can do that.

I can sleep.

I can dream.

I can finally get out of bed.

I can go to school. ( Cant do the work but I can show up which is a major improvement over last week)

I can hold a conversation.

I can go through the motions with little to no emotion involved.

I can write again.

I can be here.

I can even make a crappy list of things I can do.

This hasn't killed me yet. I'm too stubborn to let it.

Well my parents always said me being possibly the most stubborn person in the entire world might come in handy later in life.

Guess they might of been right.

A Poem for English Class

Sitting through a ninety minute class

taking notes

listening

learning

bell rings

silently cheering

not because the class is over

but because there wasn't a panic attack

No one stared at you

watching you hyperventilate

breathing

in

out

in

out

holding your breath to stop it

hiccups

lights flicker

teacher speaks too loud

its like turning on a light switch

"What causes them" they ask

I don't know !

"If I did do you honestly think I would be in therapy two times a week?"

Having a therapist on speed dile

Having a back up therapist

and a back up for the back up therapist

and yet ANOTHER back up therapist

just in case the first three don't answer

Pills

seven to twelve per day

physically tied to a bottle

every moment of every day

frustration

There is no time line for when they will go away

that is IF they go away

Will the attack last thirty seconds? Minutes? Hours?

Will they be around for another month? Year? Decade? Forever?

SSRI

Benzodiazaphines

SNRI

Paxil

Luvox

Effexor

Ativan

Xanax

Prozac

Clozapine

Lexapro

Zoloft

Just to name a few off the "failed" list

Side effects each one worse than the last

Doctor decides that one isn't working and needs to be taken off immediately

Withdrawal

How do you explain this all to a teacher?

I didn't do my homework because...

I was throwing up

I had a migraine

I had heart palpitations all night

I was seeing things that were not there

Every time thought about the assignment I had a panic attack so severe the doctor thought it was a seizure

Explaining to friends that you cant go out

wanting to more than anything to be a normal teenager

be seventeen

no worries

parties

dating

free

Alas you cant

worrying if that drink was spiked with something

would you need to be rushed to the emergency room because of a drug interaction

Would you be so far gone that you couldn't tell anyone what medicines your on

That's OK

because there is a list of them with you everywhere you go

purse

wallet

backpack

sticky note on ID cards

Having to teach friends what to do if you panic

more importantly what NOT to do

Maybe it would be easier if there was a "do not touch" sign tattooed somewhere

even your mother can not touch you

too much stimulation

having friends taking high school psychology

asking you about symptoms

diagnosing you with various things

schizophrenia

bipolar

borderline personality disorder

getting texts asking about treatment options

"Have you tried hypnotherapy ?"

Like they know more about this than you

Just wanting to scream!

Does it help?

No.

But then again

Nothing does.

The View From Here

Dr. R told me to write about how I'm feeling at this moment so that when things are rough she can say "Go read what you wrote." But I think I should give a little background info before I do that.

God has a HUGE sense of humor. No ifs ands or buts. So when He made his giant plan I guess He thought it would be humors to have the person with diagnosed Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Panic Attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to go compete in a health competition where she does public speaking on the spot. Extemporaneous Speech. You are given a topic, put in a room with no books, computer or anything for 10 minutes and then you give a 5 minute speech to a panel of judges. Nerve racking to even the best of public speakers.

So lets just add in a dash of those 4 anxiety disorders and see how they do.

The answer? Pretty darn well. I placed at regional because of a loophole ( The top 4 people go to state competition and I placed 4 out of 4 contestants ) so when I got to state and placed 3rd out of 35 people- Oh my.

I'm telling you- Big Guy Upstairs has quite the sense of humor.

So how I'm feeling. Hm.

Shocked? I guess that's the best word to describe it. I cant even remember from the time my name was called until about 3 minutes after I sat down. Good thing there are pictures that I can follow. Basically I was a deer in headlights with my jaw dropped then I sat down and cried for 15 minutes. Its still so surreal even a week later that I still cant believe it! I'm so happy though! I did wonderful things there I loved it at the conference! Symposiums are AMAZING. There is that book The Five People You Meet in Heaven and at the end there is something about when you die you get to choose where you live for the rest of your life and one lady choose an eternity of weddings. I would choose an eternity of health seminars. They were spectacular. I loved it! I learned how to intubate and I got to learn about parts of the robot for robotic cardiovascular surgery and so so so much more! I was having days from 7 am until 11 or 12 midnight just full of learning and meeting new people and just oh it was SO much fun!

Back to the 3rd place metal- I don't even really know what to think! It was never even considered that ANYONE in my group that competed in different events would place in the top three. Its the first year we have even had this group or competed. I was the only one to place so in 80 something days I will be in Disney competing against the other 149 people in the country that placed in my event. That's kinda scary but its not even about the event or placing or not. I don't care about that. I have made so many therapy related milestones during that event that winning is just the icing on the cake. I ate in a restaurant. Well the mall. But still! I haven't been able to eat in public since I was about 4. Ive been going through the steps for CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and exposure therapy so that I can do things like eating out again. I was away from my family for 3 days (in a new place) - haven't done that since I was 7 or 8. I only had 1 panic attack the ENTIRE TIME! and I didn't need to take my adivan except for 1 time. I was virtually med (excluding my daily ones) free for the whole thing and I competed med free and I traveled there and back med free and I remembered what its like to have fun again.

I'm happy, shocked and mostly proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. I did this all by my self. No one was forcing me, I wanted to do everything. I loved it.

I cant wait to go to Florida ! Its going to be so much fun!

So there we have it - how I'm feeling now (excluding the beginnings of a migraine and the anxiety and stress over a paper I needed to write last week and still haven't- figured I would make this a positive post).