The View From Here

Dr. R told me to write about how I'm feeling at this moment so that when things are rough she can say "Go read what you wrote." But I think I should give a little background info before I do that.

God has a HUGE sense of humor. No ifs ands or buts. So when He made his giant plan I guess He thought it would be humors to have the person with diagnosed Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Panic Attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to go compete in a health competition where she does public speaking on the spot. Extemporaneous Speech. You are given a topic, put in a room with no books, computer or anything for 10 minutes and then you give a 5 minute speech to a panel of judges. Nerve racking to even the best of public speakers.

So lets just add in a dash of those 4 anxiety disorders and see how they do.

The answer? Pretty darn well. I placed at regional because of a loophole ( The top 4 people go to state competition and I placed 4 out of 4 contestants ) so when I got to state and placed 3rd out of 35 people- Oh my.

I'm telling you- Big Guy Upstairs has quite the sense of humor.

So how I'm feeling. Hm.

Shocked? I guess that's the best word to describe it. I cant even remember from the time my name was called until about 3 minutes after I sat down. Good thing there are pictures that I can follow. Basically I was a deer in headlights with my jaw dropped then I sat down and cried for 15 minutes. Its still so surreal even a week later that I still cant believe it! I'm so happy though! I did wonderful things there I loved it at the conference! Symposiums are AMAZING. There is that book The Five People You Meet in Heaven and at the end there is something about when you die you get to choose where you live for the rest of your life and one lady choose an eternity of weddings. I would choose an eternity of health seminars. They were spectacular. I loved it! I learned how to intubate and I got to learn about parts of the robot for robotic cardiovascular surgery and so so so much more! I was having days from 7 am until 11 or 12 midnight just full of learning and meeting new people and just oh it was SO much fun!

Back to the 3rd place metal- I don't even really know what to think! It was never even considered that ANYONE in my group that competed in different events would place in the top three. Its the first year we have even had this group or competed. I was the only one to place so in 80 something days I will be in Disney competing against the other 149 people in the country that placed in my event. That's kinda scary but its not even about the event or placing or not. I don't care about that. I have made so many therapy related milestones during that event that winning is just the icing on the cake. I ate in a restaurant. Well the mall. But still! I haven't been able to eat in public since I was about 4. Ive been going through the steps for CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and exposure therapy so that I can do things like eating out again. I was away from my family for 3 days (in a new place) - haven't done that since I was 7 or 8. I only had 1 panic attack the ENTIRE TIME! and I didn't need to take my adivan except for 1 time. I was virtually med (excluding my daily ones) free for the whole thing and I competed med free and I traveled there and back med free and I remembered what its like to have fun again.

I'm happy, shocked and mostly proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. I did this all by my self. No one was forcing me, I wanted to do everything. I loved it.

I cant wait to go to Florida ! Its going to be so much fun!

So there we have it - how I'm feeling now (excluding the beginnings of a migraine and the anxiety and stress over a paper I needed to write last week and still haven't- figured I would make this a positive post).