Mania. Oh how I hate you!
Mania isn't just hyperactivity around here. OH no. That would be too easy! Its about 4 days of rage filled people ganging up against you. Not just violence, what kind of orange juice to buy, what to have for dinner, should the music/volume of something be turned around, etc. And boy is it starting to get on my nerves!
It would also be too easy to have just 1 person with bipolar in this house. Nope gotta have two, so two times the medicine, two times the anger, two times the irrational behavior and OH boy do these 2 affect each other in their cycles.
My brother was hospitalized (medical, not psych) on Tuesday and released on Wednesday. This spun my mother into a spontaneous manic state. It was only exacerbated when my grandfather was hospitalized on Wednesday almost dying of hypothermia for no apparent reason. My mother isn't suppose to be manic right now, she is suppose to be in that time of about a week where she is normal. But she is manic like crazy right now which makes my brother also change in his cycle pattern and become manic as well.
And they are not just like hyper. They are angry, violent, short fused, ticking time bombs of rage, make you want to run and hind in a hole for the next week or so kind of manic.
I hate it.
So much so that even though I am no where near the child bearing state of my life, I have been thinking about how close I was to my grandmother and if I want that for my children when I have kids.
My mom wants to be a grandmother more than ANYTHING in the ENTIRE WORLD.
But for my kids future would I want them to be around someone like that?
I know first hand what constant exposure to my mother is like and what it does to a person's mental health. (Not good people, NOT GOOD)
I also have someone who is near and dear to my heart that is for all intents and purposes, my mother. I have no relation with this woman, but for some reason we just kinda clung to each other. No idea why but I sure am glad it happened. She is emotionally stable, a kind, good hearted woman that is so loving its actually bringing me to tears as I type this.
I want her as my mother. I really do. I would trade in a heart beat with no regrets.
I know with open adoptions (not that I'm adopted or would ever be put up for adoption) as the child grows older it is explained to them that their birth mom is special because she helped them find their family, the people that were suppose to raise them. That the child chose the birth mom to be their birth mom but they chose someone else to be their mommy and that the birth mother helped them find their true mommy.
Unrelated I know but still at the same time it is related. When I was younger I heard that before you are born you choose your parents and there were dozens of times I was on my knees yelling at God "WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CHOOSE THESE PEOPLE?!?!? I'M NOT THAT STUPID AM I ?!?" But I think I might finally get it. I think that before I was born I choose my parents to raise me but I choose this woman to be my mom.
She loves me like a daughter and I love her like a mother and we have even talked about when I do have kids would I be open to letting her see them and be like an unofficial grandmother. Of course I said yes I would LOVE for that to happen I would love my kids to get to know her and have her in their lives. But the more I think about it, the more I think about how much I want her to be their grandmother instead of my mother.
My mother is bipolar. She is going to be bipolar until the day she dies. There is a good chance she would treat my children the same way that she treats me. I would never wish that upon anyone! Let alone my children.
I'm torn. I have a decision to make when I go to collage soon. I will be on my own and I can choose to move anywhere and not have any contact with my family if I want to. Most days that's what I want. Just to go run off to Russia or something (eh maybe somewhere less cold).
But I would ultimately be hurting myself and my kids. Would I tell them about my family? Would I invite them to my wedding even? Would I have my mom told that I had a child? Would I raise my children not knowing anything of their grandmother and just let the loving one who whats to be a grandmother to my children be the sole grandmother? What would happen if/when they found out? How would I explain it? If I just say they are all dead would that work? Would they understand and forgive me? Would they try and find the members of my side of the family? How would my mother react?
OK. Enough questions aka the constant thought process of someone with 4 panic disorders brought on by living in this environment.
I don't know what to do. I have time to decide but still its not a black and white decision. Its all grey, 100% of it.
Can someone just give me the answers? I'm kinda drowning over here!
4 comments:
I stumbled across your blog and, well, here're some answers. You can take them or leave them, but I think you actually gave yourself the answers you're looking for a while back.
"My family is loud. My family could be described as 'dysfunctional'. My family drives me INSANE some days. My 'normal' (that's a relative term, no one is normal) is not what others commonly perceive as normal or healthy. Some days I'm a wreck. Some days my family members are a wreck. We don't function like other families do. Some people worry about me and my 'situation'.
But let me get one thing crystal clear right now.
I love my family with all of my soul, all of my being. I love my Mother, I love my Father, and I love my baby brother. Nothing in this entire world can change that.
…
Members of my family have a disease. This disease affects the entire family in one way or another. However we are all getting the help we need from professionals who know how to handle the disease in all aspects."
You wrote that back in January. I think you needed to vent. I don't think you meant a lot of what you said. I think, though, that what you said was very, VERY emotionally charged. Would you really trade your mother? That's really harsh.
I've said things in fits of rage before that I wish I hadn't. Yes, your whole "no regrets" spiel sounds nice, but that's not how things work. I try to live my life like that (having no regrets), but sometimes emotions get the best of us and we say things we don't mean (because we know how deeply others are effects by words).
I can't help but to assume you don't mean what you said, but you still said it and those words still carry weight.
Here's a confession:
I remember doing things like this with my parents. Writing things (blogs, notes, etc.) and leaving them in places I knew they'd be read. I never wrote anything I didn't intend on having an audience for. I wrote some terrible things. And I know you know why. Because I knew they'd read it and I knew it'd hurt. I felt like they didn't care. I felt like they'd treated me like crap. I felt like everyone was against me and my parents were leading the pitchfork-carrying mob.
And I'm not going to say, "And then I grew up and realized..."
That's not helpful; nor is it true.
But I will say that I have the experience of having done what you're doing (the blogging, the ranting, the raging) and it's not always worth it. In fact, in my experience, it's never worth it. I've burned bridges that will never be built back up again. Never.
Sure, in white-hot flashes of rage that sounds AMAZING, but it's not as great when you're not as pissed (read: when you're thinking with a clear head).
So am I right? Did you want your mom to read this? I can't imagine how she'd feel if she did. It sounds like you've had a rough couple of days, but it also sounds like your mom has as well.
Don't burn bridges with your family. Ever. Once those are burned, they're incredibly hard to rebuild.
One last point, and it's my most...you won't like it (and I know you won't like it because I'd HATE it):
It always takes two. Can you look back over the last four or five days and say that it's all everyone else's fault? I'm sure you can, but I'm also sure you'd be wrong. Could you honestly say to yourself that you never once fueled the fire? I know I used to fuel fights with my parents. Sure, I'd claim it was all them, but I knew better. Would I ever admit to that then? No. Why would I? It was all them--but it wasn't. I knew how to push buttons. I knew how to grind gears. I knew how to just piss them right off--and there were times I did just that.
So take a minute and really think about things. Words are extraordinarily powerful (precisely the reason why venting helps). Consider how your words would be taken by those they're directed at. Finally, consider that bridges are burned more easily than they're rebuilt.
I wish you the best, and I hope you avoid mistakes I've made.
While I thank you for the suggestions and incite I do disagree to a certain point. I love my family. It does take two to tango ( I think thats the saying ), and I do admit to a point I have some of the blame. However there are times when it is not at all my fault. My mother has read my blog and is so apathetic that she doesn't care. I am not writing this for an audience, or for others amusement or for anything other than this is my place to vent. This is where I consciously choose to vent. If 15 years from now it comes to bite me in the butt well then it will be my fault and I will fully acknowledge that. I have no regrets about starting this blog. I knew that there was a chance that someone might actually read it and that my family might find it. If others want to lend their incite it would be welcomed however I do appreciate constructive criticism.
Now I do love my mother do not get me wrong. However when one is in the environment I am in (where 30 minutes ago she old me she wished my grandmother wasn't dead so I could go live with her or the countless times she begs me to become emancipated) I would trade her for the other woman. My mother is not a mom. There is a difference. A Mom hugs you, tells you she loves you, gives you advice, watches tv with you, with a mom you know she loves you. A Mother doesn't have to have these things. So as horrible as it sounds (and trust me I know) yes, I would trade my mother for a the woman I have chosen as my Mom.
And with regards to "your "no regrets" spiel sounds nice, but that's not how things work."
I have no regrets what-so-ever. I wouldn't lie about that. I was neglected as a young child (to the point social services became involved so I'm not just feeling like this, it was real and serious) and because of that I wasn't able to form certain feelings or simple things like learning to trust people that are normally learned as a young child.
I don't know what some feelings are or how they feel because I was never able to get to the developmental point in my life where I could learn these things. (And thats what my psychologist said just for credit I'm not making that up) I do know what regrets are however I do live in a world of no regrets. Its hard for people who don't live in this world to understand. I get that. But for me its a choice, for others it may not be. I can dwell in the past and feel horrible about a choice I consciously made or I can live in the present and make the right decision for whats happening now so I don't later regret anything.
Life is a learning opportunity and I choose to learn from mistakes and let them go while holding onto the lesson.
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