If one more person asks me how the hell im doing I think im going to finally snap

Lets just imagine for a minute what the world would be like if I wasn't here. I'm not sitting over here gloating, I'm just trying to get a good firm picture so that maybe I can justify suffering through the next year and a half until I leave this hell hole that is unfortunately my home. So for my depleting sanity can we please just come up with even 1 good reason why I should go through it anymore?
My brother threatens me and without notice or reason beat me up (Ive come close to several concussions), my mother hates me (and as a matter of face not 5 minutes ago just screamed it at me, along with the threats of calling the cops), my fathers cheating on my mom again and I seem the be the only one phased by it. School is falling apart. I haven't been able to sit through an entire class for weeks. My Grandaddy mistakes me for my 4 year old ASIAN cousin! My Grandaddy is going to die soon, like hospice soon. Ive been on a slippery slope with my religion. Yearbook is becoming more and more of a burden instead of a fun activity. I am a teenager who is running the financial aspect of a business. Who the hecks idea was it to give me 50,000 and give me no instructions on what the hell to do with it.
I'm sitting here, trying to think of maybe someone, any one's life Ive affected so that maybe I wont feel so worthless. I'm slipping back into what feels like my deep dark depression, I do nothing but cry, sleep and the only thing Ive eaten in days is grapefruit and tea. I cant be left alone anymore because I passed out from hyperventilating the other day.

Because, in all honesty, if this is what my life is, then why do I even try. Is it worth it? Has my 17 years here been any good to anyone?

My battery is running on empty and I don't know where to turn. So tonight I will forget my ideas of baking gingerbread, I will lay in bed, stair at the ceiling, and cry.

Can someone just wake me up when December ends?

Dark and Twisty

I cant take showers. Now don't get me wrong I bathe and all but it takes hours, days to mentally prepare myself and until now I had no idea why.

At first I had no idea why. For months now I have had no clue what-so-ever. But today in the 12 minutes it took me to take a shower, I realized why.

Its because its so quiet and so loud all at the same time. There is no noise other than the water splashing on the floor, my radio playing what ever top 20 song is on at the time, the sound of opening and closing the shampoo bottle and every once in a while something will fall and there is that noise. Its quiet, quiet beyond reason. And that leaves me with my thoughts.

The thoughts that play out scenarios of what if I was adopted into another family, the thoughts of how, maybe, just maybe my family isn't all messed up, the fear of slipping back into my depression or my eating disorder or dieing and wondering if anyone would notice, the thoughts of my grandfather, the only positive role model Ive had my whole life, slowly dieing in front of my eyes, the thought of my uncle coming to take my grandfather from me and move him 1/2 way across the country so far that its a different time zone, and so so much more. Things that are so horrible that I cant speak of, type, or even think of. Things so horrible that my mind has blocked them out of my conscious and subconscious mind.

Now anywhere else there are people. Now they may not be in eyesight or even hearing range, but they are there and I feel their presence. I feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, and all those other, better, adjectives that people feel. It makes me feel less alone in this big scary world. Even when I'm home alone there are the neighbors, I talk about things just to break the silence, I turn on the TV, all so I have something to think about.

But in the shower there are not any of those things, its just me and my thoughts for 12 straight minutes. And being alone with my thoughts is a scary, scary thing.

My thoughts are dark and twisty. My life seems to be headed in a dark and twisty path; so maybe, just maybe, I'm dark and twisty too.

I apologize in advance for some foul language.

December 17 is coming up.

There are many feelings I have about this date. Lets start out with the least important, I have 44 DPS due on the yearbook then and I'm personally responsible for quite a few of those so its stressful. However that's the least important one.

See December 17, 2007 was the day my mother and I answered the door to see a large military officer (huge man prob 6'4 and 300 lbs or so but it was all muscle. We'll call him Rob) and looked at us and asked if my fathers name was Pat. I asked why he needed to know and my mother stepped in. For the next 20 minutes or so my mother talked to this man while I stood, shocked, at all of these things he was accusing my father of. At one point I just collapsed. Rob was saying what my mother had been suspecting. My father was having an affair with Rob's little sister.

Rob's little sister knew that my father had a wife, 2 children and she had 2 children of her own( although much, much younger ). My father was also doing drugs, drinking, and was trying to start fights with Rob.

When my father got home the next day, after lots and lots of yelling, he came up to me and my little brother and attempted an apology. I remember it like it was yesterday. It went like this " I'm sorry that I had to resort to seeing that woman, BUT if YOU TWO weren't bickering all the time and stressing me out then I wouldn't of gone to see her." My brother accepted that 'apology' ( I use the term loosely) but I didn't. I knew better. I stormed out of the room and told him that if he wanted to sleep with a whore than that's on him, but there is no way in hell this is MY fault!

He hasn't spoken to me about it since.

But what really prompted this post (besides the date getting closer and closer) was just now when my brother told me that my dad has been drinking (and not like casual drinking, like getting drunk 3 or 4 times a week) because of me. Hes my father, I will give him that. But he thinks hes 20 and hes going to be 52 this month. He cannot take responsibility for his actions. I know all of these things because he thinks out loud without knowing. So he will say something simple to me like go wash the dishes and i will tell him to give me 5 minutes and i will go, but he turns around and within ear shot I can hear him insulting me, saying how I will never make it in the world on my own, how I'm a slob, how I'm just this overall bitch and how he cant wait a year until I go off to collage. And I'm not gonna sugar coat it, not this one. Things are bad in my house and I have been sugar coating them, but not with this one.

It is said that school aged girls in America only speak an average of 20 minutes with their fathers per day. I would be lucky to get that in 2.5 weeks. We don't talk. I hide from him and from the rest of my family. I cant talk to them. If I do, bad things happen. Violent things happen. So I go into my room, and pray to the good Lord that no one gets hurt today in a physical or emotional way.

I live in a dysfunctional family in every aspect of the term. This week alone I have talked to Dr. R 3 times and there is a good chance that I may be paging her again tomorrow, who knows.

In my house ( I would say family but see were more like room mates that happen to share DNA ) your either hugged or slugged and no one can predict it.

So i lay in bed repeating to myself
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink
I am not what caused him to cheat or drink

And maybe, just maybe I can convince myself of that

I'm just tired of it all

I'm tired.

Tired of this stupid illness, tired of being the punching bag in this family, tired of being flat out punched, tired of having teachers talk about me behind my back and share my medical history ( or what little they know of it ), tired of having parents that don't care, tired of coming to school sobbing, tired of fearing that a teacher is going to call child protective services... again, tired of having to call my therapist, tired of having to miss class because of panic or some other reason, tired of people saying they understand what I'm going through, tired of sleeping, tired of not being able to sleep, tired of crying, tired of having to plaster on a smile all day when all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, tired of telling people I'm ok when everyone knows I'm falling apart, tired of the changes, tired of living here, tired of having to hide in my room so i don't get hurt, tired of having to take on the mother responsibilities in my family, tired of having to sort out pills and make sure everyone takes what they need to, tired of making sure the lights are turned off and the doors are locked before I go to sleep, tired of this freaking heater not working, tired of being sick, tired of having a grandfather who is going to die soon, tired of having to help my mom deal with her emotions regarding my grandfather, tired of having to play into his delusions to calm him down, tired of pain, tired of sorrow, and tired of being tired.

I'm just tired and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Does anyone really know? I sure as heck dont.

So I had an IEP meeting about 2 weeks ago. Not many people have IEP meetings so I shall explain what exactly it is. IEP ( or Individualized Education Plan ) meetings are basically all of your teachers your case manager who is appointed by the school or school district (usually a special ED teacher) your parent and you sit in a room and talk about how to help you do the best you can in school. Sounds nice, group of people who just want to help you. Ehhhh not so much.

So lets do a little math equation here shall we?
bipolar mother who hasn't spoken to you in days + teacher who you really do think of as your own mother + math teacher who has depression and anxiety + science teacher who quite possibly could be a Russian spy (its a theory I have) + case manager who is trying to say she understands exactly what you are going through + history teacher who clearly doesn't want to be there + extremely anxious student who is sobbing and being asked 40 million questions at once while going through withdrawal from her medicines= well you can prob get the picture, it ended up being not so fun.

So then I couldn't say much. But now I feel compelled to go on a rant and yell at my computer and scream to the Internet world what I wanted to scream to those people back then.

Really? You understand what I'm going through? Really ? You know what its like to have to prepare 6 months in advance for a day trip you are taking with your HOSA club to a competition? You lay awake at night day after day after day listening to your mind go in loop non stop wondering what bad thing will happen next and think of ways for you to prepare for it? You are afraid to go to bed at night because you know that you wont be able to sleep more than 3 hours before you are startled awake by something in a dream you had, that caused your mind to have a panic attack? You wake up most mornings and just know its going to be a bad day because you have this feeling in your gut that you will in fact be having a panic attack today its just a matter of how much energy you want to use fighting it? You know what its like to only be able to feel 100% safe in 1 place in the entire world, and that be a classroom ? You know what its like to not be able to trust your own therapist to the point that you cant share everything that is causing your PTSD in shear terror of what she will do with that information? You know what its like to have to mentally prepare yourself for 3 hours to take a shower? You know what its like to not be able to go to church for months at a time and even when you go you have to sit in the pantry because that's the only place people wont see you? You know what its like to have a mother, or anyone for that matter, say they understand ? Because NO ONE understands!

No one. Not your mother, not your father, not your crazy possible spy teacher who wont let you out of class when you panic so you are forced to panic in the middle of class, not your class mates who stare at you like you are some diseased puppy, not your friends who you tell all of this to and they cant even come up with a response ( not that you expected them to ), not your own doctors ( YES that is plural! ), Not your pharmacist who knows you your mother your brother and your grandfather by name who gives you speeches on how these medicines you are taking will kill you if you do the stupid stuff teenagers do like drink or smoke or any of that crap, and not even you. Not that you are stupid enough to drink or do drugs. I mean gosh the benzos already cause your pupils to dilate so much that your own peers come and ask you what drugs your taking because even the stupid high school students can tell its no where near natural to look like that.

Do you know what its like to not understand whats going on with your own body? Your own mind? Do you know what its like to be laying in bed typing and still have panic to the point where you have to keep stopping to take a deep breath because you are not sure you can go on much longer? Do you know what its like to have missed full units in a class because, despite the fact you were at school that day, you had to be in another room panicking and talking to your therapist through the lessons.

Little things become huge things. I was able to complete a trip to Old Navy last weekend. I haven't been able to do a simple task like shopping for a pair of pants in months. I haven't been to a movie since Ice Age 2, I don't even feel safe in my own house even with CPI security!

So really? With all do respect do you really have a freaking idea what its really like? Because if you do, and have any tips, please tell because I'm hanging on by a piece of thread over here.

Submission unto God isnt as easy as it sounds ( and it sounds pretty hard to begin with! )

Waiting is hard. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting to move out. Waiting to fall head over heels in love, get married and have kids. Waiting for my kids and my husband and live in the house I'm designing and be a nurse on the weekends and stay at home with my kids during the week and greet my husband when he gets home from work and all of that. And yea it will be totally worth the wait I have no doubts but gosh darn it I don't wanna wait.

But I don't want to be a teen mom and I don't want to be married now and I don't want any of that because I know the statistics. Rationally I know the marriage will fail and I will be alone ( I mean who would really want to marry a single nurse with a preteen child? Honestly, I wouldn't blame anyone from running the other way and screaming) and have a baby to raise by myself and one day I will have to stand in front of God and explain my actions and I don't know what I would say I mean like " Sorry buddy but your whole 'plan' wasn't working out too well so I took matters into my own hands" Somehow I have a feeling that wouldn't go over too well. And I don't know I just have doubts. I want NOTHING else in the entire world than to be a mother. I mean since I was 2 I have wanted to be a doctor, actually a neonatologist and and world renown fetal surgeon. Have pregnant mothers-to-be lining up just to talk to me and coming to me as a last resort so I can help them and hopefully I would know how. But I wanted that however I gave all of that up because I wouldn't get to spend time with my kids And I mean I'm a teenager and Ive already given up so much so that one day my kids will have the childhood that I never had and will never have. I can accept that my chance came and went for days of running around care free pretending your a dinosaur or a princess, coloring the sky brown and the trees purple, sitting in a sandbox making a village and pretending I'm the queen, all of that; but my kids still have those days to come and I want nothing more than to have them and watch them play and use those smart brains God will give them (Lord willing). But that's exactly it. Lord willing. He knows that I want this more than anything else in the world Ive given up my life's dream career Ive settled and yes a neonatal NP will be a marvelous job but its not what I dreamed of. My dreams have changed for kids that God may never even allow me to have; and that bothers me.

I see my 30 something year old math teacher with this emptiness in her eyes and I know from talking to her and from just my hearts feeling's when I look her in the eyes that she wanted kids. The 'American Dream' the suburban little house with the family of four a boy and a girl and the gossip that the mothers have and the neighbor that makes everyone crazy and all of these little things people take for granted. But I look at her and know she was here in my shoes. Right here. One of those little "Elvis stood here and picked a daisy" annoying signs is sticking out of the ground in front of me. She was(and possibly still is) praying for a family, planning for one and God didn't have it in His plan for her. I don't know what she sacrificed for those kids. She wants and she could still have them, but well I don't know. Just what if Gods plan ( the big picture here, not like if I have enough spare money to go to a movie or something insignificant like that) isn't the big plan I want. There is no negotiating with Him, its His way or well, no. That's just it its His way and no other way and I love God and don't get me wrong I do love Him more than anything and I am thankful for everything I have and the life I have been so graciously been given but still, some days I just wonder if my family of 6 will ever exist. I want my babies! I want all of them! I want my baby girls. Isabelle Temperance Bree, Meredith Lynn Juliette, Addison Lucy Lita, and my baby boy Jacques Richard. Jacques will have a 2nd middle name as well but that's where I left room for my husband's input on a name. I don't have them now and I long for them I long for a child, but not now.

But still. What if God doesn't want me to be a wife or a mom? What then? That's the hardest part. Trusting that God knows and hears my needs and wants and will provide. Trusting my entire life in the hands of someone that I have prayed to, begged and pleaded for things to, cried in tears of thankfulness for those wonderful things in my life that I do have.

There is no doubt in my mind that God will provide for me in the best way ever imaginable, but submission is a hard thing to do. So I will put one foot in front of the other and trust that God will give me what I need. Because that's all I can really do. That's all any of us can really do.

Trust: Its a delicate thing

So last April I had some tests done and the report came. It was sent to my mother only because I am a minor. I saw it lying on the kitchen counter one day and read it even though my mother and therapist advised me not to. OK, sure I was in the wrong I will admit that and I apologized for my wrongdoings. But this brought up something Ive been thinking a lot about latley; Trust.

Trust. A 5 letter word meaning take all my deepest secrets, fears, desires, hopes and dreams; grind them into a hamburger and devour it. How do you know if you can truly, deeply, 100% trust a person? Some people have the whole " I will trust you until you prove me wrong" attitude while others view it as " I have no reason to trust you so prove it to me and then I will trust you". But really, what is trust? Honestly, does anyone really know?

We all need to be able to trust a person, at least one single person in this entire world of billions of people. But how do we find those we can trust and better yet, how do we deal with it when someone betrays our trust?

Do we choose to ignore it and hope it goes away or do we face it head on, battle axes raised screaming at the top of our lungs in hopes that we will feel better later? Do we bottle it up until it explodes or do we do something productive and hope we can make ourselves feel better afterwords? There are so many ways to deal with it, but what is the right one?

Trust is a delicate thing. Any and all relationships are biased on trust. From a baby trusting they will be fed, to a girl trusting that her heart wont be broken by a boy, to even a pet trusting that when you hold them you wont hurt them. Its a beautiful bond that not only is an unspoken and universal but also a bond between two beings that truly holds humanity together. Once it was said that "All you need is love" and I honestly think that is not true, however, all you need is trust.

But what happens when someone betrays our trust? We have all had to suffer through it; learn from the pain and hope, pray and guard our hearts a little more securely, build walls around ourselves in hopes that we can avoid that feeling of betrayal. And finally find someone new to trust.

We build walls, not to see others struggle to gain our affection, but to protect ourselves from that feeling that no one on earth ever wants to feel. Pain.