Does anyone really know? I sure as heck dont.

So I had an IEP meeting about 2 weeks ago. Not many people have IEP meetings so I shall explain what exactly it is. IEP ( or Individualized Education Plan ) meetings are basically all of your teachers your case manager who is appointed by the school or school district (usually a special ED teacher) your parent and you sit in a room and talk about how to help you do the best you can in school. Sounds nice, group of people who just want to help you. Ehhhh not so much.

So lets do a little math equation here shall we?
bipolar mother who hasn't spoken to you in days + teacher who you really do think of as your own mother + math teacher who has depression and anxiety + science teacher who quite possibly could be a Russian spy (its a theory I have) + case manager who is trying to say she understands exactly what you are going through + history teacher who clearly doesn't want to be there + extremely anxious student who is sobbing and being asked 40 million questions at once while going through withdrawal from her medicines= well you can prob get the picture, it ended up being not so fun.

So then I couldn't say much. But now I feel compelled to go on a rant and yell at my computer and scream to the Internet world what I wanted to scream to those people back then.

Really? You understand what I'm going through? Really ? You know what its like to have to prepare 6 months in advance for a day trip you are taking with your HOSA club to a competition? You lay awake at night day after day after day listening to your mind go in loop non stop wondering what bad thing will happen next and think of ways for you to prepare for it? You are afraid to go to bed at night because you know that you wont be able to sleep more than 3 hours before you are startled awake by something in a dream you had, that caused your mind to have a panic attack? You wake up most mornings and just know its going to be a bad day because you have this feeling in your gut that you will in fact be having a panic attack today its just a matter of how much energy you want to use fighting it? You know what its like to only be able to feel 100% safe in 1 place in the entire world, and that be a classroom ? You know what its like to not be able to trust your own therapist to the point that you cant share everything that is causing your PTSD in shear terror of what she will do with that information? You know what its like to have to mentally prepare yourself for 3 hours to take a shower? You know what its like to not be able to go to church for months at a time and even when you go you have to sit in the pantry because that's the only place people wont see you? You know what its like to have a mother, or anyone for that matter, say they understand ? Because NO ONE understands!

No one. Not your mother, not your father, not your crazy possible spy teacher who wont let you out of class when you panic so you are forced to panic in the middle of class, not your class mates who stare at you like you are some diseased puppy, not your friends who you tell all of this to and they cant even come up with a response ( not that you expected them to ), not your own doctors ( YES that is plural! ), Not your pharmacist who knows you your mother your brother and your grandfather by name who gives you speeches on how these medicines you are taking will kill you if you do the stupid stuff teenagers do like drink or smoke or any of that crap, and not even you. Not that you are stupid enough to drink or do drugs. I mean gosh the benzos already cause your pupils to dilate so much that your own peers come and ask you what drugs your taking because even the stupid high school students can tell its no where near natural to look like that.

Do you know what its like to not understand whats going on with your own body? Your own mind? Do you know what its like to be laying in bed typing and still have panic to the point where you have to keep stopping to take a deep breath because you are not sure you can go on much longer? Do you know what its like to have missed full units in a class because, despite the fact you were at school that day, you had to be in another room panicking and talking to your therapist through the lessons.

Little things become huge things. I was able to complete a trip to Old Navy last weekend. I haven't been able to do a simple task like shopping for a pair of pants in months. I haven't been to a movie since Ice Age 2, I don't even feel safe in my own house even with CPI security!

So really? With all do respect do you really have a freaking idea what its really like? Because if you do, and have any tips, please tell because I'm hanging on by a piece of thread over here.