Submission unto God isnt as easy as it sounds ( and it sounds pretty hard to begin with! )

Waiting is hard. Waiting to meet someone. Waiting to move out. Waiting to fall head over heels in love, get married and have kids. Waiting for my kids and my husband and live in the house I'm designing and be a nurse on the weekends and stay at home with my kids during the week and greet my husband when he gets home from work and all of that. And yea it will be totally worth the wait I have no doubts but gosh darn it I don't wanna wait.

But I don't want to be a teen mom and I don't want to be married now and I don't want any of that because I know the statistics. Rationally I know the marriage will fail and I will be alone ( I mean who would really want to marry a single nurse with a preteen child? Honestly, I wouldn't blame anyone from running the other way and screaming) and have a baby to raise by myself and one day I will have to stand in front of God and explain my actions and I don't know what I would say I mean like " Sorry buddy but your whole 'plan' wasn't working out too well so I took matters into my own hands" Somehow I have a feeling that wouldn't go over too well. And I don't know I just have doubts. I want NOTHING else in the entire world than to be a mother. I mean since I was 2 I have wanted to be a doctor, actually a neonatologist and and world renown fetal surgeon. Have pregnant mothers-to-be lining up just to talk to me and coming to me as a last resort so I can help them and hopefully I would know how. But I wanted that however I gave all of that up because I wouldn't get to spend time with my kids And I mean I'm a teenager and Ive already given up so much so that one day my kids will have the childhood that I never had and will never have. I can accept that my chance came and went for days of running around care free pretending your a dinosaur or a princess, coloring the sky brown and the trees purple, sitting in a sandbox making a village and pretending I'm the queen, all of that; but my kids still have those days to come and I want nothing more than to have them and watch them play and use those smart brains God will give them (Lord willing). But that's exactly it. Lord willing. He knows that I want this more than anything else in the world Ive given up my life's dream career Ive settled and yes a neonatal NP will be a marvelous job but its not what I dreamed of. My dreams have changed for kids that God may never even allow me to have; and that bothers me.

I see my 30 something year old math teacher with this emptiness in her eyes and I know from talking to her and from just my hearts feeling's when I look her in the eyes that she wanted kids. The 'American Dream' the suburban little house with the family of four a boy and a girl and the gossip that the mothers have and the neighbor that makes everyone crazy and all of these little things people take for granted. But I look at her and know she was here in my shoes. Right here. One of those little "Elvis stood here and picked a daisy" annoying signs is sticking out of the ground in front of me. She was(and possibly still is) praying for a family, planning for one and God didn't have it in His plan for her. I don't know what she sacrificed for those kids. She wants and she could still have them, but well I don't know. Just what if Gods plan ( the big picture here, not like if I have enough spare money to go to a movie or something insignificant like that) isn't the big plan I want. There is no negotiating with Him, its His way or well, no. That's just it its His way and no other way and I love God and don't get me wrong I do love Him more than anything and I am thankful for everything I have and the life I have been so graciously been given but still, some days I just wonder if my family of 6 will ever exist. I want my babies! I want all of them! I want my baby girls. Isabelle Temperance Bree, Meredith Lynn Juliette, Addison Lucy Lita, and my baby boy Jacques Richard. Jacques will have a 2nd middle name as well but that's where I left room for my husband's input on a name. I don't have them now and I long for them I long for a child, but not now.

But still. What if God doesn't want me to be a wife or a mom? What then? That's the hardest part. Trusting that God knows and hears my needs and wants and will provide. Trusting my entire life in the hands of someone that I have prayed to, begged and pleaded for things to, cried in tears of thankfulness for those wonderful things in my life that I do have.

There is no doubt in my mind that God will provide for me in the best way ever imaginable, but submission is a hard thing to do. So I will put one foot in front of the other and trust that God will give me what I need. Because that's all I can really do. That's all any of us can really do.