Dark and Twisty

I cant take showers. Now don't get me wrong I bathe and all but it takes hours, days to mentally prepare myself and until now I had no idea why.

At first I had no idea why. For months now I have had no clue what-so-ever. But today in the 12 minutes it took me to take a shower, I realized why.

Its because its so quiet and so loud all at the same time. There is no noise other than the water splashing on the floor, my radio playing what ever top 20 song is on at the time, the sound of opening and closing the shampoo bottle and every once in a while something will fall and there is that noise. Its quiet, quiet beyond reason. And that leaves me with my thoughts.

The thoughts that play out scenarios of what if I was adopted into another family, the thoughts of how, maybe, just maybe my family isn't all messed up, the fear of slipping back into my depression or my eating disorder or dieing and wondering if anyone would notice, the thoughts of my grandfather, the only positive role model Ive had my whole life, slowly dieing in front of my eyes, the thought of my uncle coming to take my grandfather from me and move him 1/2 way across the country so far that its a different time zone, and so so much more. Things that are so horrible that I cant speak of, type, or even think of. Things so horrible that my mind has blocked them out of my conscious and subconscious mind.

Now anywhere else there are people. Now they may not be in eyesight or even hearing range, but they are there and I feel their presence. I feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, and all those other, better, adjectives that people feel. It makes me feel less alone in this big scary world. Even when I'm home alone there are the neighbors, I talk about things just to break the silence, I turn on the TV, all so I have something to think about.

But in the shower there are not any of those things, its just me and my thoughts for 12 straight minutes. And being alone with my thoughts is a scary, scary thing.

My thoughts are dark and twisty. My life seems to be headed in a dark and twisty path; so maybe, just maybe, I'm dark and twisty too.