Stuff, Stuff, Quotes, and More Stuff

I have been avoiding blogging lately. I mean there really isn't anything to talk about currently. I mean this is my venting place and I don't really have a lot to vent about. Things have been 'normal' (or as normal as they can be) these past few weeks. My grandfather is doing fine after his move, I flew up to visit him by myself without ANYneed for anxiety meds! (That's HUGE for me) I saw that hes doing fine there, it really helped me deal with his move. While I was visiting I got to see the Colts stadium on the day of the game that brought them to the Superbowl although I didn't watch either game. 1st one because I was well in a plane and the Superbowl because, well I decided that watching the Curious George movie would be a better use of my time. Who knew I was right? So there is that.

Umm lets see what else has happened. I had an IEP meeting and despite the state needing me to get further testing done before I got my IEP renewed I once again slipped through the cracks and got my IEP renewed without any testing. Ugh I really hate testing. Its unlike any other tests in the world. There is the inkblot (yep that's a legit test), some drawing pics, math, spelling words, there was one where i had to point at a series of holes in a paper. Whole thing is insane and takes something like 4-6 hours to do over multiple days and its just annoying. Glad I didn't have to go through that again. Although to take the SAT and ACT with modifications I do need to take those tests to get modifications on them, pain in the butt! Ugh just makes the SAT and ACT worse than they already are, which is pretty bad to begin with. But I guess that's what I have to do to get my degree(s) that I want.

Yep you got that right, degrees, plural. I would LOVE to get one in Kinesiology, Nursing, and Anthropology. How they all tie together to my main goal of being a Neonatal NP I'm not sure, but its a goal and goals are meant for dreams and they change quite often.

Ummm what else is there? My mom has been really quite normal lately, I'm surprised it has lasted this long. There was a huge fight and we (my mom my brother and I) all ended up with battle scars but they have faded. But after that she kinda flipped, I don't know whats up with her. Which is odd because I always know where she is on her cycle but this time I don't. I do know that she is getting ready to flip into mania though. Id have to say that honestly the mania is my favorite part of the whole thing. My fondest childhood memories are of her being manic. We would paint my room, go on spontaneous trips to the beach, repaint my room, go out at outrageous hours of the night to get doughnuts. It was a lot of fun.

And I mean bipolar sucks. But there is got to be a balance. You cant just sit in bed all day and think your life sucks (even if it does), you take a deep breath, face it head on, do what you need to do to get through the day and before you go to sleep at night you count your blessings and find the good things that happened that day. I'm not going to lie and say that its easy or even remotely not hard (if that makes sense) and a lot if not most days it takes quite a bit of thought to find the good things but they are there, it just depends on how hard you are willing to look for them. Some days there are huge things I mean I was ecstatic that I was able to go on an airplane by myself (which is preferred to having people I know there) and that day it was easy to find something to be grateful for. Other days its harder. Some days it seems impossible. But trust me, there is always something.

I feel like I should end on something philosophical, most of my posts usually do. So since its late and I just made a pie from scratch that took almost 3 hours to make and I am understandably tired (not to mention I had 2 huge tests and 2 quizzes today in my classes and my brain is shot) I'm just going to post a few quotes from one of my favorite shows Private Practice (hey don't judge Addison's character has the job I use to dream of for years, I mean come on whats cooler that both neonatal surgery AND fetal surgery!?! Answer- Umm nothing.) So here goes.

"An anyway friend: The one person in your life who, no matter what they say of do, no matter what they've been through with you, they love you anyway."

"Depression isn't not understanding you have something to live for. Its knowing that you should feel differently, but it's so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die. "

Ooh and another one from Fringe

"There are times when the only choices you have left, are bad ones"

And since I'm on a roll here's my all time favorite yearbook staff saying

"When in doubt... throw a chair" haha I love that one!

What are your favorite quotes?

I Dont Need Help, and Im Not Asking for Any

So, not many people read this blog. I'm fine with that, really. I'm not striving to become some overrated blogger who makes money off of writing or anything. This was originally started to try and find others out there in my situation, however it quickly transformed into my weekly rantings on life, my situation, and well more life.

Starting out I knew this all had a potential to blow up in my face. I knew that there might be someone out there who would look at this and think of it as some cry for help from some poor defenseless child who is in an abusive and hostile situation. I knew that I would be posting things on the Internet and whenever someone posts something on the Internet they have the potential to come back and bite them. I also knew that what I wrote could be accessed by anyone.

Taking all of these things into consideration I was careful when I wrote my posts. My angered, irrational, therapeutic posts. I made sure not to mention names. When I referenced a teacher, those I wanted to know who I was talking about fully understood who I was talking about. Doctors, therapists, etc all are abbreviated. Dr. R ? I mean really? Even I have two Dr.R's in my life. No one is going to be able to tell who that Dr is. And I made it like that on purpose. The only name I used was my own. I don't care if that is out there. I mean really think about how many Kathryn's there are out there. Its my name and I can do what I want with it. Heck I can rent a billboard and just post my entire name, address, and blood type. Its my information and I am free to do with it what I want. (oh I'm O+ by the way and yes, I am a blood and organ donor and I encourage you to be too)

I don't regret starting this blog, I don't live with regrets. They serve no positive function in life so I don't have any. It's simple and clear cut. Don't read into it; please.

Now I have had this blog for ooh lets say 4 months give or take. Ive posted not even 20 times. And several of those posts (possibly all but the first one) were rants.

Rants are good. Venting is healthy. Talking things out is healthy. If it wasn't, well then I might just give up talking too.

But I think I need to set a few things straight, so here goes.

My family is loud. My family could be described as 'dysfunctional'. My family drives me INSANE some days. My 'normal' (that's a relative term, no one is normal) is not what others commonly perceive as normal or healthy. Some days I'm a wreck. Some days my family members are a wreck. We don't function like other families do. Some people worry about me and my 'situation'.

But let me get one thing crystal clear right now.

I love my family with all of my soul, all of my being. I love my Mother, I love my Father, and I love my baby brother. Nothing in this entire world can change that.

Now I can sit here and write bad things about them all day, but I'm not going to write bad things about your family. I expect and deserve the exact same from everyone else out there.

Members of my family have a disease. This disease affects the entire family in one way or another. However we are all getting the help we need from professionals who know how to handle the disease in all aspects.

People can say that I live in a bad environment, that I have had a bad life, or that I deserve better.

Here's the thing.

My environment is just different. I have learned in my life how to deal with it, how to thrive in it and how to accept it as my normal, everyday life. I have a WONDERFUL life, I LOVE my life, I will spend my life thanking God for allowing me to live it! I have so much to be thankful for and I am eternally grateful for everything. God gave me this life. He gave me this life for a reason. Why? Well I'm not quite sure yet, and I may never be. But I was put in this specific situation for a reason and I am thankful for everything this life has, and will (Lord willing) give me. All of the lessons, all of the wisdom, and all of the things that I have seen and experienced, even if that experience was less than ideal.

At the age of 8 I learned how to stick up for myself and get what I needed. I learned what the term 'advocate' meant. I learned how to stand my ground. I learned how to ask for help. I learned how to call DSS and who to tell things to so that if DSS needed to be contacted, they were. I learned that not everyone needed to know my family's business. I learned that people can freak out when they learn everything.

Now this post has been all over the place, I know that. And its not the most ideal place to stop writing, but well, life isn't necessarily ideal. The entire point is, If I need help I know how to ask for it. Currently I am not in need of any help. If there are people out there wanting to help others, there are ways you can.

One thing that is always in need of volunteers is Hopeline. http://www.hopeline.com/

It is a wonderful foundation where people can call in and speak to a real, live person about their problems. These people are asking for help, and need help. Some (if not most) are suicidal and are reaching out to someone, anyone, for help. They train you, and one can really make the difference in someones life. Someone who needs help.

If you are looking to help someone, if you think you've found your calling in life to help people, if your bored and have no hobbies, anything! Please, think about volunteering there.

Its Gonna Take More Than This to Knock Me Down

Don't you wish we did drugs?

Or drank too much?

Or shot something into a vein?

I mean nothing that would ruin your life or make you have to go to meetings where you say "Hi I'm Kathryn and I'm an alcoholic" but just, don't you wish you had something to put on top of it all to make it feel better?

Some people put food on top of it. They put a bag of Hershey kisses or a pizza or a pint of Ben and Jerry's and it makes it all better. But that just doesn't work for me I don't have anything!

But ya know what? I may not be able to eat anything, and I may be able to cry on a moments notice, and I may be the person who cant sit through a class but you know what I can do? I can fight every fiber of my being to not go curl up in a ball in my closet, I can ask for help when I need it, I am aware of the things that are happening to me, and most days, when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry my eyes out- I can have the strength to get out of bed. It may not be much, and most people don't know how much of an accomplishment that is, but I'm not self destructing, instead I'm living.

And I think if we can get through the toughest, lowest parts in our lives without self destructing, no matter how we got through it, was the right choice. We don't have to lay in bed months or years later wondering "Did I do the right thing" ? Instead we can look back and say "I'm standing here today, there was a time when that wasn't a guarantee, there were times when I wanted it all to end and would give anything for it to just stop. But I am here, and that in and of itself is near bout as close to a miracle that we can see this side of Heaven".

Forget The Apocalypse! Lets Just Let Bipolars Run The Universe

I cant sleep. Nothing really new about that I go in cycles of insomnia quite often actually. Thing is I usually flip out of it in 3 or 4 days max. Well I haven't been sleeping more than 4 or 5 hours since like the 21st. When I go that long without sleep, well I take whatever I can get, even if that means like today sleeping from noon until 7pm when my parents decided it would be a nice, soothing and kind way to wake my up by turning the stereo system as high as it could go and having that startle me awake. And I was having a really nice dream too! Darn it!

Well, I need sleep there is no way around that. So for the past few days my doctor has given me the green light to go ahead and try various sleeping pills pretty much a new one every night until we find something that works. So far I'm on the 4th one. Well last nights didn't work so I was awake (after a short 2 hour nap) from 11 pm until 12 noon today. Then I FINALLY went to sleep on my own. Then was woken up (see above paragraph). Like anyone in my situation, I wasn't too crazy about this. Nah that's too kind, I hated it. I was and still am grumpy I needed sleep and they basically stole that away from me.

Any who I spend about an hour in my room waking up on my own terms and realize that its time for my new sleeping medicine. So I go downstairs and low and behold its nowhere to be seen. I ask my mom about it and she tells me shes hidden it. WAY TO GO MOM! Great parenting there ya know depriving your child of the medicine that she needs according to 2 licensed doctors and a licensed therapist. Yea my moms reasoning (word for word here people) Mom- " You don't NEED THEM!"

Me- "Umm I cant sleep and Dr. Re, Dr. M and Dr. Ru said I do because I cant sleep so can I please have my sleeping medicine?"

Mom- "You haven't been sleeping anyways so CLEARLY YOU DON'T NEED THEM!!!"

Me- "Umm well I kinda do you just said that I haven't been sleeping so maybe I should take a SLEEPING pill?"

Mom- "YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THEM BECAUSE YOU CANT SLEEP!"

Me- " Oh because that TOTALLY MAKES SENSE! I mean I cant sleep so by golly lets just deprive me of the medicine that might help me sleep while were at it!"

Mom- "AND YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO NAP EITHER! ha ha ha"

Me- "Oohhh so I cant sleep tonight because your not giving me my medicine and I cant sleep tomorrow either?"

Mom- "Yep"

Me- "Because that makes SOOOOOOOOO much sense! Thanks Mom I don't know what I would do without you and your clearly superior logic skills."

Yea thanks for that mother parent of the year right there. Lucky for me my mom is short like 5 feet tall short so i find it and I go in the big lock box of medicines that we have (Oh you know the one everyone who's bipolar has one! Its the new thing to have! Ours is even fireproof!) find what I need and take them up to my room.

Well she starts making fun of me (yes because that's what all great moms do, find their child's weak spot and poke it with a sharpened spear) because I didn't do well in Chemistry class. I told her that I did great in my MEDICAL class, heck even got an 98 on the exam. Well apparently that's not relevant at all I mean the fact that I'm even going to a state level in HOSA (a health competition!) and I even know how much to adjust her lithium levels when she gets a new medicine and I babysit a diabetic kid and can calculate just how much insulin to give him. But nope I'm a failure because I didn't do well in honors chemistry.

Now my mom is in a chat room with a whole bunch of bipolar people who will inevitably tell her shes right and I'm wrong. Because I mean one crazy, irrational and Illogical person isn't enough lets just add about 14 more to the mix and see what SPECTACULAR ideas they come up with!

Yea, "Were all doomed" was the phrase I was thinking of too.

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I have a new theory. Anyone that knows me well knows that I am fabulous at coming up with insane, unrealistic, ridiculous theories on life, people, the world, well just about anything. I know they are insane, and well, that just makes it fun.

My new theory you might ask? Oh, well nothing too complicated just that my family is being secretly recorded and the footage is being made into a comedy show ( or possibly a horrible day time soap opera ) for another country.

I mean COME ON! Just look at all Ive got going on here in my life! (see previous post (which was edited to be much, much less morbid))

Why I will give you a conversation that took place not 5 minutes ago.

My mother, my brother and I are all in our car driving home from visiting my Grandfather. My brother is listening to music on his iPod and its kinda loud.

Mother: Please, can you turn the volume down?
Brother: Why?
Mother: BECAUSE I SAID TO YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SMART A--!
Brother: WELL MAYBE I WILL JUST TURN IT UP LOUDER TO ANNOY YOU BOTH!!!
Mother: YEA THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE LETS JUST DRIVE KATHRYN INSANE WITH YOUR HORRID SATANIC MUSIC!
Brother : WELL SHES ALREADY CRAZY!
Mother: WELL YOUR KINDA RIGHT ABOUT THAT!
Brother: YEA I WISH SHE WOULD JUST GO DIE IN A HOLE!
At witch point they both start hurling insults at me and at one point my brother is threatening to hurt me. And I'm left there thinking to myself "What the firck just happened here?!?"

And eventually they both start threatening things at which point I, while still remaining calm, state that from a psychological and anthropological standpoint violence is what animals resort to when they cannot get their message heard and comprehended in the way they would like it to be. Humans only revert to violence when they fail at conversing first, get frustrated and THEN turn towards violence. Language is the reason that we don't go all caveman on one another, because we can speak and be heard.

Obviously this didn't help but I kinda blocked it all out after that point because It got me thinking that my family could make a great comedy show ( or daytime soap opera ) because really, when are you going to get such a diverse selection of people with such diverse intellect and scruples and cram them together in a car without a greater purpose?

So there must be hidden cameras around here somewhere to capture these moments in my life for the soul purpose of making a TV show for the German people. (But at least it will come with subtitles)

If one more person asks me how the hell im doing I think im going to finally snap

Lets just imagine for a minute what the world would be like if I wasn't here. I'm not sitting over here gloating, I'm just trying to get a good firm picture so that maybe I can justify suffering through the next year and a half until I leave this hell hole that is unfortunately my home. So for my depleting sanity can we please just come up with even 1 good reason why I should go through it anymore?
My brother threatens me and without notice or reason beat me up (Ive come close to several concussions), my mother hates me (and as a matter of face not 5 minutes ago just screamed it at me, along with the threats of calling the cops), my fathers cheating on my mom again and I seem the be the only one phased by it. School is falling apart. I haven't been able to sit through an entire class for weeks. My Grandaddy mistakes me for my 4 year old ASIAN cousin! My Grandaddy is going to die soon, like hospice soon. Ive been on a slippery slope with my religion. Yearbook is becoming more and more of a burden instead of a fun activity. I am a teenager who is running the financial aspect of a business. Who the hecks idea was it to give me 50,000 and give me no instructions on what the hell to do with it.
I'm sitting here, trying to think of maybe someone, any one's life Ive affected so that maybe I wont feel so worthless. I'm slipping back into what feels like my deep dark depression, I do nothing but cry, sleep and the only thing Ive eaten in days is grapefruit and tea. I cant be left alone anymore because I passed out from hyperventilating the other day.

Because, in all honesty, if this is what my life is, then why do I even try. Is it worth it? Has my 17 years here been any good to anyone?

My battery is running on empty and I don't know where to turn. So tonight I will forget my ideas of baking gingerbread, I will lay in bed, stair at the ceiling, and cry.

Can someone just wake me up when December ends?

Dark and Twisty

I cant take showers. Now don't get me wrong I bathe and all but it takes hours, days to mentally prepare myself and until now I had no idea why.

At first I had no idea why. For months now I have had no clue what-so-ever. But today in the 12 minutes it took me to take a shower, I realized why.

Its because its so quiet and so loud all at the same time. There is no noise other than the water splashing on the floor, my radio playing what ever top 20 song is on at the time, the sound of opening and closing the shampoo bottle and every once in a while something will fall and there is that noise. Its quiet, quiet beyond reason. And that leaves me with my thoughts.

The thoughts that play out scenarios of what if I was adopted into another family, the thoughts of how, maybe, just maybe my family isn't all messed up, the fear of slipping back into my depression or my eating disorder or dieing and wondering if anyone would notice, the thoughts of my grandfather, the only positive role model Ive had my whole life, slowly dieing in front of my eyes, the thought of my uncle coming to take my grandfather from me and move him 1/2 way across the country so far that its a different time zone, and so so much more. Things that are so horrible that I cant speak of, type, or even think of. Things so horrible that my mind has blocked them out of my conscious and subconscious mind.

Now anywhere else there are people. Now they may not be in eyesight or even hearing range, but they are there and I feel their presence. I feel when someone is sad, happy, angry, and all those other, better, adjectives that people feel. It makes me feel less alone in this big scary world. Even when I'm home alone there are the neighbors, I talk about things just to break the silence, I turn on the TV, all so I have something to think about.

But in the shower there are not any of those things, its just me and my thoughts for 12 straight minutes. And being alone with my thoughts is a scary, scary thing.

My thoughts are dark and twisty. My life seems to be headed in a dark and twisty path; so maybe, just maybe, I'm dark and twisty too.