Ramblings on Happiness

Happiness. 

When your 17 you think " Life sucks. I can't do anything on my own, I have those annoying people in my home called parents and I cant do anything I want to do. But when I am older and get married and have kids and my own house then I will be happy."

Here is the thing. Life sometimes does suck, but that's life. And Life can be annoying, irritating, irrational, pleasing, surprising, and if your lucky, fun. But no matter what 'Life' throws you, you can be happy. Its a choice. Its a choice in the way we spend our days, who we let near us, who we let into our heart, what we act upon, what we think, and most importantly when we choose to let happiness into our hearts. 

Because it is a choice. 

People treat happiness like they are entitled to it and someone is holding it just a little bit out of their grasp but that's not what it is. 

Ive been in therapy now for 1 year and 8 months and I think that I'm finally starting to understand it. I shouldn't look at the relationships in my life ( friends, family, or otherwise ) that have failed and I shouldn't look to the future for a sense of relief but I need a balance. Living in the present with a dash of future, a sprinkle of hope and an open heart. 

I started listening to my mind and my spirit and my body. I started really paying attention to what the people in my life say and how they act. I have started to lean on others. I have opened my eyes to the possibility that I don't need things to be happy, I just need to use that stubbornness I have. I open my eyes and tell myself that gosh darn it today is going to be a good day if it kills me. And what do ya know! It works most of the time.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. - Grey's Anatomy

We all put our selves through a lot, every day. We have good days and bad. Personally I have had a bunch of bad days reticently. I promised myself that I would document my therapy journey and that is the reason I am writing all of this.  But I do want to remember the bad as well. I want to remember how scared I have been to go to sessions, how lost I can get in my own thoughts, how just a simple phrase can send me into a panic attack or into my pit of PTSD thoughts or more recently my Pandora's box of years of repressed anger and pain. The images that I have that are purely my brain taking all of my deep buried pain and putting it into a complex solid image. The horrible things that I see and think about. But also I want to remember the hope that I have. The hope that things will work out, that I will be able to choose happiness, the hope that this will get better with time, hard work and dedication (and of course the wonderful Dr. R, and the members of my support boat). 

I deserve something beautiful and it takes work, and I have no idea what that beautiful thing is yet, but I'm excited to find out. 

I Am With You Because You Remember Me

Today is my Grandmother's birthday. Today she would have been 92 years old. Today I should be going to visit her in the nursing home and bringing a cake. Today I should be answering the phone for her and talking to her sisters, updating them about how she is doing. Today I should be spoon feeding my Grandmother chocolate pudding, handing her jellybeans, and enjoying the one perk of Alzheimer's- being able to give the same gift about 30 times each with a caring, loving and grateful reaction from my Grandmother. Today I should be laying in bed with her napping. Today I should be celebrating.

Instead I will be going to therapy. Instead I will be mourning the loss of the most amazing woman I have ever met. Instead of singing happy birthday, I will be listening to her favorite song hoping she can hear it. Instead of watching her eat cake, I will be picturing her eating cake in Heaven. Instead of having balloons to hand to her I will be writing loving messages on them and releasing them to the sky.

Today there should  be happiness. Instead there will be sorrow and tears as another reminder of not having her here is rubbed in my face.

I Believe in PINK!

Well I have a concision. Thanks to my 14 year old brother who beat me up, I have had quite a horrible 13 days to top off one of the worst vacations in the history of family vacations. So while waiting for my MRI results from the neurologist within the hour to determine if I need surgery or not I figured I would root through my pictures and participate in this weeks photo contest. 

The theme?

Lamps!

I took this back in January of my 4 year old cousin's dresser. The poor girl couldn't figure out why, for the life of me, I was taking a picture of her dresser when I can just look at it. Ahh the innocent mind of a 4 year old. (Which I can relate to because this is day 2 of no painkillers from the past 10 days. I got to say, life is a lot easier when the furniture feels friendly)

Want to participate in this weeks Raw(e)?

Head on over to HERE and link on up!

Happy Shooting! 

(And I do mean pictures, I once got in trouble at school for yearbook saying I was going to go shoot the tennis team... poor choice of words so no guns, only cameras =) )

Conversations in a Hotel Room

3 am in an Ohio

Brother- Hey where did you get water from? I dont see a water fountain in here.
Me- The sink?
Brother- OH YEAH THERES WATER IN THERE!
Me- Yep its amazing isnt it.
Brother- Are we all gonna DIE from it?
Me- What, the water? I sure hope not!
Brother- Oh, good, I thought it was poisoned or something
Me- Who poisons hotel tap water?
Brother- I dont know.

RAW(e) Desserts

This weeks RAW(e) theme is

DESSERTS

I love to bake and made these cupcakes in December (which works out well since I don't feel like going and baking something for this weeks entry). Later in the decorating process they had snowflakes piped onto them but I liked this picture the best. 

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

A Look Into My Childhood- You Lucky Duck!!!

So I'm trying to keep that promise of being more optimistic in my posts but golly is that hard. I'm really not much of a "glass half full" kinda gal.

Ive been going through what the people in the medical world call a Major Depression. Mine was brought on by several factors but running/managing a red cross blood drive almost single handily (on the student part, my advisor did all the advisor stuff ) and by the end of that we were both so exhausted we wanted to beat people with a burlap sack of nickels and then go take a butt load of lorazepam. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because 7 days after the blood drive I had yearbook distribution day which, as Business Manager, I played a huge role in that stressful event. I didn't make it all the way through yearbook distribution day, I got so overwhelmed and stressed out I ended up curled up in the fetal position behind a teachers desk for several hours. 9 days after that was exams and then summer started. By that point I was in full fledged Major depression, I was on Suicide Watch 24/7 for several weeks and it was FINALLY lifted last Wednesday. Lots of therapy, talk of the hospital, and being drug around places I didn't want to go to for almost two months. Although Suicide Watch was never my favorite thing it did help seeing as I was in a deep dark abyss of depression.

So in the midst of all of that I went to Disney for a national competition I placed for (didn't win but I didn't expect to) and now my support team has decided they are all in need of a vacation so they are all gone for the week. But I kept telling them that I will be fine and I am, however there was something I found surprising. I miss them!

Now I had said somewhere before that because my mother was hospitalized for several months and was seriously ill for about 1.5 years, that's when my father started drinking. As a 8 year old it was just me and my 5 year old brother. I had to grow up to protect us, get us to the grocery store for food, pack lunches, do laundry, do homework with him, make sure he took a bath every once in a blue moon and other mom stuff in addition to being in 5th grade and trying not to reveal that we were in such bad shape; because I knew we would end up in the foster care system and I didn't want that. So I grew up. I became 30 because I had to. I became hyper vigilant and expected the worst out of everything. I had to. But because I had to grow up so fast I lost some emotions- mostly regret.

However with the help of a really good therapist and support team I am having to learn the things that I skipped over when I became 30. Things like trust. I never trusted anyone until now. I was use to it just being me. My motto from the age of 7 was " I am Kathryn and I can do anything, I don't need anyone else because I am Kathryn gosh darn it!" It worked. But now I am slowly letting people into the save haven I created out of protection (and when I say slowly I mean Ive been working for almost 2 years and I fully trust 2 people and 1 or 2 friends).

So when everyone went on vacation this week I told them that I would be fine because I'm use to being alone and fending for myself its what I've done for years certainly I can do it another week. I am fine but I discovered another lost emotion. I miss them!

This whole feeling of needing someone other than just me is totally new to me. And to be frank- I'm not sure if I like it or not. I was fine all on my own (in my opinion) and now that I have people to lean on I don't like the idea that if they leave I don't function as I normally would.

Its the kinda thing I would talk out in therapy - but shes on vacation. Aah the sheer irony.

So that has been my past month or so. Now I just wait until Monday when everyone will be back. I cant wait!

Raw(e) Flower-o-rama Lily Pad Style

The theme for this week:

FLOWERS

I recently perticipated in the HOSA national competition at Disney where I stayed at the beautiful Coronado Springs resort. I loved the beautiful and huge lake covered in lily pads in bloom (I had never actually seen one before) and all sorts of tropical plants. It just seems amazing to me (and has since I was little) that a flower or plant can grow on water with no soil, sand or anything.

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!