A Poem for English Class

Sitting through a ninety minute class

taking notes

listening

learning

bell rings

silently cheering

not because the class is over

but because there wasn't a panic attack

No one stared at you

watching you hyperventilate

breathing

in

out

in

out

holding your breath to stop it

hiccups

lights flicker

teacher speaks too loud

its like turning on a light switch

"What causes them" they ask

I don't know !

"If I did do you honestly think I would be in therapy two times a week?"

Having a therapist on speed dile

Having a back up therapist

and a back up for the back up therapist

and yet ANOTHER back up therapist

just in case the first three don't answer

Pills

seven to twelve per day

physically tied to a bottle

every moment of every day

frustration

There is no time line for when they will go away

that is IF they go away

Will the attack last thirty seconds? Minutes? Hours?

Will they be around for another month? Year? Decade? Forever?

SSRI

Benzodiazaphines

SNRI

Paxil

Luvox

Effexor

Ativan

Xanax

Prozac

Clozapine

Lexapro

Zoloft

Just to name a few off the "failed" list

Side effects each one worse than the last

Doctor decides that one isn't working and needs to be taken off immediately

Withdrawal

How do you explain this all to a teacher?

I didn't do my homework because...

I was throwing up

I had a migraine

I had heart palpitations all night

I was seeing things that were not there

Every time thought about the assignment I had a panic attack so severe the doctor thought it was a seizure

Explaining to friends that you cant go out

wanting to more than anything to be a normal teenager

be seventeen

no worries

parties

dating

free

Alas you cant

worrying if that drink was spiked with something

would you need to be rushed to the emergency room because of a drug interaction

Would you be so far gone that you couldn't tell anyone what medicines your on

That's OK

because there is a list of them with you everywhere you go

purse

wallet

backpack

sticky note on ID cards

Having to teach friends what to do if you panic

more importantly what NOT to do

Maybe it would be easier if there was a "do not touch" sign tattooed somewhere

even your mother can not touch you

too much stimulation

having friends taking high school psychology

asking you about symptoms

diagnosing you with various things

schizophrenia

bipolar

borderline personality disorder

getting texts asking about treatment options

"Have you tried hypnotherapy ?"

Like they know more about this than you

Just wanting to scream!

Does it help?

No.

But then again

Nothing does.

The View From Here

Dr. R told me to write about how I'm feeling at this moment so that when things are rough she can say "Go read what you wrote." But I think I should give a little background info before I do that.

God has a HUGE sense of humor. No ifs ands or buts. So when He made his giant plan I guess He thought it would be humors to have the person with diagnosed Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Panic Attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to go compete in a health competition where she does public speaking on the spot. Extemporaneous Speech. You are given a topic, put in a room with no books, computer or anything for 10 minutes and then you give a 5 minute speech to a panel of judges. Nerve racking to even the best of public speakers.

So lets just add in a dash of those 4 anxiety disorders and see how they do.

The answer? Pretty darn well. I placed at regional because of a loophole ( The top 4 people go to state competition and I placed 4 out of 4 contestants ) so when I got to state and placed 3rd out of 35 people- Oh my.

I'm telling you- Big Guy Upstairs has quite the sense of humor.

So how I'm feeling. Hm.

Shocked? I guess that's the best word to describe it. I cant even remember from the time my name was called until about 3 minutes after I sat down. Good thing there are pictures that I can follow. Basically I was a deer in headlights with my jaw dropped then I sat down and cried for 15 minutes. Its still so surreal even a week later that I still cant believe it! I'm so happy though! I did wonderful things there I loved it at the conference! Symposiums are AMAZING. There is that book The Five People You Meet in Heaven and at the end there is something about when you die you get to choose where you live for the rest of your life and one lady choose an eternity of weddings. I would choose an eternity of health seminars. They were spectacular. I loved it! I learned how to intubate and I got to learn about parts of the robot for robotic cardiovascular surgery and so so so much more! I was having days from 7 am until 11 or 12 midnight just full of learning and meeting new people and just oh it was SO much fun!

Back to the 3rd place metal- I don't even really know what to think! It was never even considered that ANYONE in my group that competed in different events would place in the top three. Its the first year we have even had this group or competed. I was the only one to place so in 80 something days I will be in Disney competing against the other 149 people in the country that placed in my event. That's kinda scary but its not even about the event or placing or not. I don't care about that. I have made so many therapy related milestones during that event that winning is just the icing on the cake. I ate in a restaurant. Well the mall. But still! I haven't been able to eat in public since I was about 4. Ive been going through the steps for CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and exposure therapy so that I can do things like eating out again. I was away from my family for 3 days (in a new place) - haven't done that since I was 7 or 8. I only had 1 panic attack the ENTIRE TIME! and I didn't need to take my adivan except for 1 time. I was virtually med (excluding my daily ones) free for the whole thing and I competed med free and I traveled there and back med free and I remembered what its like to have fun again.

I'm happy, shocked and mostly proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. I did this all by my self. No one was forcing me, I wanted to do everything. I loved it.

I cant wait to go to Florida ! Its going to be so much fun!

So there we have it - how I'm feeling now (excluding the beginnings of a migraine and the anxiety and stress over a paper I needed to write last week and still haven't- figured I would make this a positive post).

Look for the Good and Let Everything Else Fall Away

Health Care Reforms. Your either for it, against it, or have been living under a rock for the past year.

Me and my family? Totally, 100% undeniably for health care reforms.

In all reality-We all are a bunch of crazed lunatics! We NEED health care and insurance and heck I'm going into college in a year and a half where insurance will be hard to find.

But now, thanks to the democrats ( I would say people, however NO republicans in the House voted yes) I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS!

It all started when i was about 8 or 9 and started on medicines. My brother and mom were already on them so it wasn't really a big deal (well it was but that's a totally different story) for me to go on them; but I couldn't really see a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone I knew that was on these medicines was on them for years and year and years and therapy sessions one after the other and blood tests and all sorts of things that cost money.

My first question was would I have to take these medicines for a long time- the answer was yes.

Then I asked how long 'a long time' would be- 2 months, 2 years, 10 years, my whole life? Well I couldn't (and still cant) get a good expected time out of my doctor but I was told that at least through college. I was kinda content with that, I mean I was like 8 I could deal with this for 10 years and I mean medicines cant be THAT expensive- Can they?!?

Then we got the prescription filled.

Now at 8 it seems like money is worth more than it is. $5 is like $50. So when I saw the price of the medicine that we paid then looked on the bag, saw how much insurance paid and added them together, well lets just say I started to freak out a little bit.

How the heck am I going to pay for this when I'm in collage!?!?!!?! I don't want a job! I want to just learn! And that was just a 30 day supply! I'm gonna be living out of a box just to pay for these medicines !

My mom looked up under our insurance and discovered that I was covered under hers if I was a full time student until I was 21. Then I was kinda screwed. I was planning not even a month ago to go ahead and get my CNA degree so that while I'm working full time as a student getting my dream job I could e working in an environment that was at least related- I mean CNA sure beats the heck out of being a bagger down at Food Lion. Then I would have to come straight out of school and find a job within weeks because there was no way I could afford these medicines I'm on now, the 2 times a week therapy, and all the other stuff that a person just out of collage needs to buy- like a house.

But now the dark ominous clouds of gray have finally cleared.

I am free. I don't have to worry about this as much. I don't have to be taking collage courses in high school so I can work my way through collage. Now I can if that's what I want, but that's not my only option. I don't have to worry about not having a job and needing my medicines and worrying how I'm going to pay for these. I can focus on school, a part time job, and having some sort of life. I can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the moment where I don't have to worry so much in this moment. Because with 3 or 4 (I loose track) anxiety disorders and a handful of other psych disorders, the one thing I do best is worry.

But here's the thing- Every day, God puts something good in your life. Embrace it... and let all the other stuff just fall away.

If your for the reform, against it, or are living under a rock ( which i have to admit sounds pretty good on some of those rough days I have ) just embrace it, whats happened has happened. You can fight it with all your might and then learn to accept it or you can just look for the good things now and save that energy for another battle. Its all up to you.

I hope you will find the good in things. Even in the most horrible scenarios, good things are there you just have to look for them sometimes.

Liberation

So a few weeks ago I made myself a promise - to watch a movie starring Meryl Streep every night until I either died or ran out of movies of hers to watch. Somehow I think I will end up with the ladder.

At first it was because I had seen Mamma Mia like 14 times and LOVED every single moment of it! (Also because I needed something to tie me over from 5pm until an appropriate bedtime) However it has slowly transformed into something amazing.

I haven't been able to watch a movie a night because iTunes failed and I could not access everything I had bought but these past 2 nights I have been able to watch movies.

So far I have seen-

Mamma Mia

Out of Africa

Sophie's Choice

Heartburn

Postcards From the Edge

Julie & Julia

The Devil Wears Prada

It doesn't seem like much but I think Ive clocked at least 10 hours of movie time - which is more than Ive seen in the past 5 years combined. And though it started out as something to do and to see why people say Meryl Streep is the best actress of the century, it has turned into much, much more. Its almost therapeutic.

I have learned so much about ME from these movies. I know that sounds cliche ( and saying something sounds cliche, sounds cliche ) but its true.

I learned that I can identify with Anne Hathaway's character in the Devil Wears Prada and that I am overworked and overstressed and feel like that on most days,

Julie & Julia taught me about blogging and determination and will power,

Postcards from the Edge reemphasized that drinking and drugs are bad and I could identify with Meryl's character when her mother was an alcoholic in denial,

Mamma Mia helped me understand that your past doesn't have to change your future (and that Meryl can sing and ABBA is AMAZING (but then again I already knew that about ABBA)),

Out of Africa taught me that women are fully capable of doing everything a man can do and that women can lead a successful life without a man,

Heartburn taught me the that as hard as it is, sometimes leaving is the only (and best) choice.

Sophie's Choice- OH MY- that made me sob for almost an hour- the love a mother can have for her children both is an amazing, wonderful thing and a horrible burden all at the same time ( it will make more sense if you see the movie ).

All of these things are really things that I knew before but for some reason seeing them acted out just solidifies them in my mind. They give me strength, I can pull out quotes and apply them to my daily routine to make things go smoother.

But most importantly, this is something I am setting aside for myself to do every night. Its me time. Its time that I can step away from the world, watch an outstanding movie, and take care of me. Not have to worry about anything else just totally, 100% be focused on the movie and if something big happens in my house i just turn up the volume and try to not think about it. Its an hour and a half of my day that I can be alone and not have any stress.

Its time where I don't have anxiety and I never noticed how amazing that is just to be free even if it is for just an hour. Liberating. Relieving. Manumit.

So my advice ( if I am in any place to actually give advice is still up for debate :) )

Take some Me (or You, I guess) time every day. It doesn't have to be an hour it can be a cup of decaf coffee at 4 am where you can be alone and quiet, it can be just 3 minutes of locking yourself in a closet and blocking out the sounds of the world, anything.

Give yourself a chance to recharge and reflect or escape or do whatever it is that you need to do to get through the day.

If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?

Pill Sorting and Pictures

Sometimes I feel tied to my medicines. Its annoying to have to take them every single day and have horrible side effects if I don't. I understand why I need them and I know that I need to take them every day but I mean come on I'm a teen! We as an age group kinda suck at responsibility. Responsibility to take care of pets, siblings, homework, everything! But lets just put the responsibility of taking care of one's self medically in their plate too. And Im not just talking 1 or 2 pills a day here. Im talking like 6 or 7 qd and up to 6 prn.

Just so you can get a reference and understand what I'm talking about here is a weeks worth of the daily ones.

All sorted out nicley into my handy dandy pill sorter thingy.

And ready to go for the week. Im not gonna lie I think it looks kinda artsy =)

But you know what? At the end of the day all that really matters is catching sight of the beautiful sunset.

The Moms Stronger Than Moms - Adoptive Moms

Today my world was rocked.

Since I was little I have always contemplated adoption over having children of my own. Since my brother was born ( I was almost 3 at the time ) and my mother had serious complications from child birth I was afraid of having children of my own. Then when I learned the whole labor part of child birth I was convinced that I would NEVER become pregnant. When my mom got sick I promised myself that should I ever be diagnosed as bipolar I will give up my dream of having 4 children. My Dr once brought up adoption to me when I told her about that and I said no, that I would never put a child through that.

However, being a mom is always something I have wanted to do, I have possibly the strongest maternal instinct on the face of the earth. I mean I can hear a child cry in the grocery store and tell you what they are feeling. And adoption was never ruled out in my mind but over the years Ive come to realize the things that I would miss out on if I never was pregnant. Feeling the baby kick, breastfeeding, having me and my husband fight over who's ear's the baby has, things like that. Also the whole adoption process has become more complicated as I have learned more about it. My cousin was adopted and before that I never even knew there was a waiting period. I guess I thought you just signed some papers, went to an orphanage, pointed to a child and said this one and just like that bam you've got yourself a baby. Kinda like the process of getting a dog from the pound. But I was little and I didn't know anything about it.

But foster care has always been something Ive wanted to do. I haven't thought about it in a few years but tonight I had to. See before tonight I, well honestly I cant remember what I thought about foster parents. I guess I thought they just provided a home for a child. Nothing more, nothing less. I thought there was some sort of protection that went off in your head to help you cope with children coming and going from your house.

What I didn't realize is that it is not possible to do these things.

Tonight (and again tomorrow) I babysat two children. They are brother and sister. The sister is going to be 6 in a few days and brother is almost 4. They are foster children. At first I was reluctant to try and get to know them but after 20 minutes of talking about favorite colors and what they like to eat I decided that we would be spending several hours together this weekend and I should at least try to get to know them and not be a jerk. It took a while but their true colors started showing, I learned what makes them tic, how they get attention, that they don't want to go to bed and that they love Go Diego Go. We were coloring and the little girl drew me a picture and she wrote "I love you" on the top and and handed it to me. I was, well there arnt words. Because I have heard how hard adoption is, especially adopting from foster care.

I have heard people saying that they are afraid that at any moment, until the court approves it someone can take these children away at any moment. I know the facts I really do. But I thought that you could make yourself not get so attached. I am attached to these children and I do not know if the foster mother is planning on adopting them or not. But it did dawn on me that in 3 weeks I could be babysitting an entirely different child. I could never see this sweet little brother and sister duo ever again in my life. That they could be gone.

How do you not get attached to a child? It is impossible. At least for me it is.

But every day foster parents who love these children as if they were their own (because they are caring for them as if they were their own) have to say good bye to the son/daughter figure in their life they have grown to love.

I have gained an entirely new respect for anyone going through an adoption process, anyone who has gone through it, and especially foster parents.

Until today (despite having my one and only cousin be from China) I didn't think it was possible for a mother of an adopted child to love them like they would a biological child. That sounds horrible I know, and I know they love them to death, but I always thought that there was a difference. Tonight I learned I was wrong. Those parents of adopted children love them the exact same as they would a biological child, and possibly more.

They didnt have to go through labor like some moms do, but these moms and dads had to suffer through the waiting, anxiety, fear, and heartbreak to get their child. Every time that a foster child is moved the foster parent(s) have a part of their heart ripped apart.

After just spending a few hours with these children today, I realized my heroes in life are foster/adoptive parents.

Stuff, Stuff, Quotes, and More Stuff

I have been avoiding blogging lately. I mean there really isn't anything to talk about currently. I mean this is my venting place and I don't really have a lot to vent about. Things have been 'normal' (or as normal as they can be) these past few weeks. My grandfather is doing fine after his move, I flew up to visit him by myself without ANYneed for anxiety meds! (That's HUGE for me) I saw that hes doing fine there, it really helped me deal with his move. While I was visiting I got to see the Colts stadium on the day of the game that brought them to the Superbowl although I didn't watch either game. 1st one because I was well in a plane and the Superbowl because, well I decided that watching the Curious George movie would be a better use of my time. Who knew I was right? So there is that.

Umm lets see what else has happened. I had an IEP meeting and despite the state needing me to get further testing done before I got my IEP renewed I once again slipped through the cracks and got my IEP renewed without any testing. Ugh I really hate testing. Its unlike any other tests in the world. There is the inkblot (yep that's a legit test), some drawing pics, math, spelling words, there was one where i had to point at a series of holes in a paper. Whole thing is insane and takes something like 4-6 hours to do over multiple days and its just annoying. Glad I didn't have to go through that again. Although to take the SAT and ACT with modifications I do need to take those tests to get modifications on them, pain in the butt! Ugh just makes the SAT and ACT worse than they already are, which is pretty bad to begin with. But I guess that's what I have to do to get my degree(s) that I want.

Yep you got that right, degrees, plural. I would LOVE to get one in Kinesiology, Nursing, and Anthropology. How they all tie together to my main goal of being a Neonatal NP I'm not sure, but its a goal and goals are meant for dreams and they change quite often.

Ummm what else is there? My mom has been really quite normal lately, I'm surprised it has lasted this long. There was a huge fight and we (my mom my brother and I) all ended up with battle scars but they have faded. But after that she kinda flipped, I don't know whats up with her. Which is odd because I always know where she is on her cycle but this time I don't. I do know that she is getting ready to flip into mania though. Id have to say that honestly the mania is my favorite part of the whole thing. My fondest childhood memories are of her being manic. We would paint my room, go on spontaneous trips to the beach, repaint my room, go out at outrageous hours of the night to get doughnuts. It was a lot of fun.

And I mean bipolar sucks. But there is got to be a balance. You cant just sit in bed all day and think your life sucks (even if it does), you take a deep breath, face it head on, do what you need to do to get through the day and before you go to sleep at night you count your blessings and find the good things that happened that day. I'm not going to lie and say that its easy or even remotely not hard (if that makes sense) and a lot if not most days it takes quite a bit of thought to find the good things but they are there, it just depends on how hard you are willing to look for them. Some days there are huge things I mean I was ecstatic that I was able to go on an airplane by myself (which is preferred to having people I know there) and that day it was easy to find something to be grateful for. Other days its harder. Some days it seems impossible. But trust me, there is always something.

I feel like I should end on something philosophical, most of my posts usually do. So since its late and I just made a pie from scratch that took almost 3 hours to make and I am understandably tired (not to mention I had 2 huge tests and 2 quizzes today in my classes and my brain is shot) I'm just going to post a few quotes from one of my favorite shows Private Practice (hey don't judge Addison's character has the job I use to dream of for years, I mean come on whats cooler that both neonatal surgery AND fetal surgery!?! Answer- Umm nothing.) So here goes.

"An anyway friend: The one person in your life who, no matter what they say of do, no matter what they've been through with you, they love you anyway."

"Depression isn't not understanding you have something to live for. Its knowing that you should feel differently, but it's so bad that all you want to do is curl up and die. "

Ooh and another one from Fringe

"There are times when the only choices you have left, are bad ones"

And since I'm on a roll here's my all time favorite yearbook staff saying

"When in doubt... throw a chair" haha I love that one!

What are your favorite quotes?