DONE!

Well something messed up below so this is half way a test and half way an update.

I JUST FINISHED MY LAST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL!!!

Yay me! I have been reflecting on all of the people I have had in my life that have make it so that I can graduate. It seemed like it was just one obstacle after another but somehow I carved my own path, made a precedent for others with anxiety, depression and learning disabilities, and made it out alive.

Now for college.

I want to remember that the hardest part of today was not the fit my mother threw, being 3 seconds away from not being allowed into the room to test because I was late, or any of those things.
I want to remember how hard it was for me to shed my title of student. I walked through a door and BAM I'm not a student anymore. I did it, it wasn't easy, but I did it.

Insert Title Here

It's been a long time since I posted something here so I figured I might as well write something. I didn't want to because I was afraid someone else would die after I posted something not about death. For a few months there every time it rained for more than two days in a row someone would die. Needless to say I still get apprehensive when the forecast calls for a week of rain. 

So what have I been up to?

I graduate High School on June 10th (Praise God!)

My mother had her surgery but there were complications and the surgeon couldn't do everything so she goes back in late June/July to have it completed

I'm working on moving out and into the condo my Grandfather lived in before he went to live in Indianapolis 

Lots and lots of drs appointments because of some random things that need to be checked out but also I got super sick and asthma started to act up because of that but there was a lot of smoke in the air from forest fires in the state


Thats really about it. 

Stats

5 deaths in 2 months.
3 Funerals
1.5 Weeks with Dr. R on vacation.
1 Appointment and 2 phone calls with back up therapist.
1 Breakup
8th in the Kaiser Permanente test at HOSA
2 Months since I dx my mother with sleep apnea and she finally gets it checked out
82 Times per hour she stops breathing while sleeping
69% O2 stating while she sleeps
2+ Hysterical breakdowns
86 Sleepless nights
1 Allergic Reaction to my Asthma meds
2 People I pushed away that haven't come back
1 Surgery planned for my mother next month
1 Surgery planned for my mother next month that I don't want her to get
26 Adivans consumed in the past 15 days
1 Asthma attack
2 Days I decided not to go to school for mental rest days
2 Kidneys that are acting up again
7 Days until I have to give a final answer on attending HOSA Nationals 3000+ miles away
3 Days until Dr R gets back
1 Moment at a time is all I can handle
1 Confidence that things will get better (they can't get much worse right now *knock on wood!* )

Again, no words

Another tragic death of another wonderful student at my school has happened. Noah, a freshman, and the boy who sat next to my brother in Biology class committed suicide on March 4th. No one suspected anything and Noah hid all of the signs of depression oh so well. Noah is and will forever be missed.

This one hits home given my past summer where I narrowly avoided my own suicide. I wont dive into details but it is safe to say that this death, like Katie's death, had forever changed the students at my school, including me.

Please pray for the family (God knows who the prayers are meant for) to give them peace from the guilt, strength that only the Father can provide and the ability to not move on, but to move forward in due time.

There are no words.

Last night one of my classmates passed away from flu complications. She was fine on Monday and Thursday night she is gone. Everyone at the school is barley functioning. The Crisis team has been called in and they are sending several students and teachers home that just could not function. Some teachers chose to remain home after hearing the news this morning. 

The girl, Katie, was a wonderful young woman who aspired to become a vet. She had a heart of gold and a love for animals. She ran the Environmental club and started a project that is in effect at my school for abused Tiger rescue. She was quiet, but touched the heart of everyone that she met. She will be missed by thousands at the school, her friends, her boyfriend and her family.

Please pray for this family, for the boyfriend, for her friends, for our school and community. 

Please pray for healing, for comfort, for strength, for us all to find a new normal as we adjust to Katie not being there. And please, pray that those who need help coping who have not already received help will have the courage to get help. There is no shame in needing to lean on someone during this difficult time, yet there is a stigma associated with needing help.

And if the loss of Katie was not enough for one day:

The school was also at danger today. The school is located across the street from a mall where someone was robbed and the robber had a knife (although there were also reports of a gun too).

I believe that Katie was an organ donor and I pray that her organs were allowed to be used and were given to people who will life life to the fullest. Please pray that (assuming her organs were donated) the organ recipient is healing and will live their second chance at life to the fullest. 

I will leave you with a song. It was written in a children book like manner for a blogger who I followed. She sadly passed away waiting for her second lung transplant. Here is the link The Girl Whos Hair Was on Fire

Test Results

I got tested and no TB! Yay!

However there were a few people who were positive and had to go get further testing. The 'I am going to be a nurse and I can't just not do anything' part of me came out when there was one of my classmates that was going to be rushed to the hospital. She was given no information on anything all they said was her test was 5mm and that was not good. They sat her down at a table by herself and left her alone.
Scared and alone do not mix.
I know that one personally.
So I sat with her. I got yelled at but who cares. She needed someone and everyone else was scared to even go near her. I waited until her mother arrived and even her mother was scared to be near her. All she needed was someone to hold her hand and listen to her fears. I may not be able to do much, but that I can do.

And separate from all of that I now have bronchitis. Woo! But hey at least I don't have TB and I have been having amazing hair days lately so that makes up for a lot of it.

Y'all Hear? We Got Ourselves Sum Racists Down Here in Good Ole NC!

You know what I am sick of? TB


My high school had a student that had active TB and he was unaware he had it. When he moved last month his new school tested him as a routine entrance test. Everyone gets it. However, he was positive, and come to find out he has had active TB for a few months. He was in the hospital and is receiving the proper medical care he needs.


I do not know how he got it but I do know that before he moved he was in my science class. So that means that I was in a small group of less that 100 people that are now required by NC law to be tested for TB because we were exposed every day for a little over 5 months. 


I don't really care that I might have it. 


OK, well, no.
I do care, BUT I can deal with that. 


The NC TB Task Force (I find it hilarious that this is a real thing!) is handling this. All of us that were directly exposed through classes or being on his bus are going to have a health screening and TB test on Friday and it will be read on Monday. (Although my mother freaked out and I already got a TB test, just to have to legally get another one or be forced into quarantine for 6 months)


What I am really sick of is the people and the media. I hate looking outside the window of the school and seeing TV news groups in front of the school. Or the people that pass by our school and have these sad "Aw, they are all going to die. How sad!" faces on. I can't stand that. But what I hate the most? The comments on the news report's website.


Things like
"Praying for them all, and for their families.

TB was largely eradicated in the US due to vaccinations. Expect this and other diseases to increase dramatically with the open door policy on the southern US border.

AMEN, AND AMEN!!!

Those people come in with no physicals, no medical certificates, no shots."

UMM WHAT?

OK, so yes there are a few people in my science class that are of Mexican/Spanish descent and some that are immigrants and who knows maybe some are not legal here but they all speak English. They are nice people, not these infectious germ pools of people that the media and its ignorant readers are making them out to be. 

And guess what? 

THE KID THAT HAD TB WAS WHITE.

I MEAN SUN-BURN-IN-THE-SHADE WHITE. 

And I can say that because I am more pale than he is. 

Also, people are praying for us?

Well I mean that's fine and dandy and more power to ya, but if your trying to be calming and helpful announcing that you are praying that we don't die is not the way to do it. Students read these comments and we are freaked out beyond belief as it. Please, pray if you want to, but also, PLEASE do not feel the need to announce it to us. We are intelligent people and yes we might all be taking medication for this in a week or two, and yes it 100% sucked to have to get this news not only on a Monday but the first day back from winter break. 

All I am saying is that ignorant people like that make me angry. The news teams that do not have all the facts and are assuming things and then broadcasting those things make me angry.I already have no control over this, but please world, state, area I live in- PLEASE do not be so stupid and racist!

I do not mind answering questions, in fact I would love to help people understand the situation better; just ask! But assuming that the peers I have are making an unsafe world for me is racist and that is not acceptable. 

Update on Life.

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

I hope it was wonderful! And as for the vegetarians like me, I hope you had a wonderful dinner full of side dishes!
---------------------------------------------------

So I set out on this blog to document my journey through my entrance to college, my therapy and the milestones I make. I think it is long over due to make a list for myself of where I am at this point.

I enjoy my new found ability to be in a restaurant. Today I even ate chips and salsa and beans while sitting there! It was so nice to feel somewhat normal again. I went to a Mexican restaurant that was the last place I ever are out, I have wonderful memories of that little family owned and authentic restaurant from my childhood. It was great to be back!

I heard a song the other day. It was one I already knew but I heard the lyrics in a different way this time. Who Knew by P!nk. Spectacular artist (who has struggled with fertility and a miscarriage but shes now pregnant- congrats!) who speaks her mind and is by far my favorite singer and songwriter. The song is suppose to be about a break up but for me it captures my feelings of abandonment, shock, anger, and feelings that I cannot even begin to put words to all about the teacher I have who was my mother figure. Some stuff happened that wasn't pretty and I had a catastrophic meltdown of epic proportions at school because of things she has done. I went into shock and what she did even gave Dr. R a shock. It's easy to see there is still lingering tension and anger. She promised she would be around and I believed her.Who knew?

The obgyn and endocrinologist believe that I might have diabetes incipitus and that it may be a result of my concussion. Lots of testing and unknowns right now. Brain tumor(s) are still on the table and these don't even begin to address my original symptoms that I came to the Dr with. It is probably PCOS though but we still are not sure of anything. Oddly enough I am ok with the unknowns. At this point I am just glad to have people that believe me and if I can just get a name for all of this I will be content. It doesn't have to be curable or treatable (although if it is that would be preferred!) as long as it has a name.

The bad thoughts have come back with a vengeance. It is the same bad thoughts that I had a few months ago when I slipped into the major depression and was almost hospitalized. Yet somehow they are different. They are the annoying, pestering, nonstop thoughts that just go on and on and on but they aren't the suicidal thoughts that only had a goal of keeping me depressed that were there when I was in fact depressed. This time they are not depressed thoughts but they spiral out of control if I don't stop them.

I started out with the thought of college and then went to I need a place to live, but rent it insane around the college campus and I can't pay for that, there are no dorms so that's not an option. In order to have the ideal place to live (aka anywhere but here) I need to pay. Which means I need a job. Which I can't get because there are no jobs around here and plus, I can't drive to begin with. I would need to take the driving test that I have been putting off for 8 months. My permit expires on my birthday (January 24th) so I have 2 months to take the test that I am scared of failing. If you do fail you have to wait 6 weeks to retake it which means I only have 2 shots at this, that is, if I take it in the next 3 weeks. What if I fail? Failing is unacceptable! I can't do it. I just can't. But I have to.

And although the thoughts could continue, I usually get to this point in a matter of minutes and have to verbally tell them to stop.

Something else to work on in therapy. Great. As if I didn't have enough already.

Raw(e) Little

So it took me a little while to find something that fit this weeks Raw(e) theme. I wanted to see what everyone was posting and it was all babies. 

Since I don't have a baby it makes it difficult. It's not like I can go ask the lady in the supermarket if I can take a picture of her baby. I was stumped.

That is until my next door neighbor got a brand new PUPPY!

So I asked if I could take a picture of their little puppy. The little guy started eating my shoe and naturally I took pictures instead of saving my shoelace. 

Want to join in on the fun of Raw(e) ? 

Head on over to Sailor & Company , read the instructions and link on up!

I'm Sick Of...

- it being cold in this house
-getting blood work done
-having a vial of my blood that no one can find (traveled from NC to AZ... um what?)
-people who think they can help but cant
-people trying to help but making things worse
-living in a house where you cant even go downstairs without being sucked into a fight
-not having a better word than dysfunctional
-the annoying little kid in my science class who always tries to one up me
-Dr's telling me I might have a brain lesion or mass
-not knowing the difference from lesion and mass
-not wanting to leave my bed but knowing that's the last safe place for me to be
-convincing people that I'm fine
-seeing my grades plummet
-having swollen and sore wrists from being grabbed so much
-living knowing these people in this house
-being associated with these people
-no one bothering to refill my meds even though I've asked every day for the past 3 weeks
-crying
-having no one that listens
-drinking all this fricking water
-having labs that don't tell the Dr anything
-bruises from blood draws
-finger pricks from glucose tests
-not being 18 yet so I have no rights
-more crying
-my brother threatening me
-everyone who deals with my family leaving
-this headache I've had for a week
-being so out of control because I don't have my meds because no one bothered to refill them
-listening to everyone complain
-people who don't call you back in a timely fashion
-post concussion syndrome
-fighting the bad thoughts
-missing school because of therapy
-not having an understanding teacher
-hating school for the first time ever
-not having a place for my panic attacks
-wondering if people really do care or they have just been pretending
-people who say they are sorry but don't change their actions
-having to remind my mother to be a mother
-living here

Stupid Carpets!

Whoever decided to make pills the same color as carpets was insanely stupid.

Well it seems that the depression went away as fast as it came. Odd, but I'm OK with that.

I finally went to the Dr for all of these odd symptoms I've been having.

Plus side?
I was seeing a new Dr and she is wonderful. And since it was a lady Dr, all the super pregnant women around me made everything so much better! I mean really! Who doesn't just love a super big pregnant belly? (except for maybe the owner of that super big belly)

Minus side?
I am being tested for PCOS, Insulin resistance, fasting blood sugar, liver and kidney enzymes (make sure they are still working), about 7 hormones, B6, B12, anemia, and prolactin to test for a prolactinoma.

Plus side?
This is the first Dr in years (other than Dr.R) who ACTUALLY LISTENS! Its so nice to be taken seriously! It is 100% unfair but 100% true that people with anxiety written all over their chart get treated differently. Especially when you have a bunch of random symptoms that don't usually cause a physical marker. Drs tend to brush the patients off. I have been told several times that I don't actually have ____, its just because I'm anxious and pick up on small, normal things. But with this Dr, I could even tell her that I just didn't feel right. I couldn't point to something and say "this hurts" but i just overall felt different and not right. SHE LISTENED! Shes now officially my favorite MD ever!.

Minus side?
She said the words "brain tumor" .
Actually said those words.
Also?
Shes worried that with PCOS (or even if I don't have it) and the psych medicines that I was on through puberty and the ones I'm on now (benzos are really worrisome) have permanently affected my fertility. We have no idea how much they affected my fertility, but to say I am infertile is not out of the question.
Also?
I'm being tested and have a lot of the symptoms of Type 2 Diabetes
Also?
I have been trying to figure out how to stay vegetarian and have Diabetes and I don't think its actually possible.


Either way, I am trying not to freak out about these test results. I get them back on Nov 1.

As Dr. R says "Its not about choosing what you want to have and what you don't want. That has already been decided for you. You can wish away something or you can wish for something, either way, the tests have already been submitted.You can't change the results by wishing really hard. All you can do now is wait."

6 days of waiting down, 8 to go.

Ive Officially Slipped... Again

Well I have another new diagnosis.

Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder. 

Woo! It's just SO much fun!

Yea. Now, I'm going to go take a nap and have my goal of tomorrow be to go to the store. Seeing as I didn't  couldn't leave my bed today this is a good goal. Plus I need to work on my depression project! It's going to be a wonderful, loving reminder of why suicide is not a good idea.

Also a goal? To stop wanting to drive a car into a giant pole. (FYI: I'm having other people drive me places just to be on the safe side)

A Post Without Editing

I'm getting tired again.

Last time this happened I slipped.
Oh, boy did I slip!
I slipped so far into the depths of depression that I'm still recovering 5 months later.

Luckily, this time I know the signs to watch for and I know that people wont just ship me off to the hospital. I know I will be listened to and the only way to get better is to talk about things. Even the scary things. Because things with me do get scary and they get scary quickly and the people I let close to me know that and they know what to do and I am blessed that I have this.

I'm blessed with my Support Boat.

I am finally starting to trust people. Mostly Dr. R but that's a good start.

I don't think Ive ever really said how amazing she truly is. Today we talked about deep stuff and when she didn't understand something I was able to get her on the right page. She was able to tell me that reading the book I am reading (or was) is a bad idea at this point in my life. I was able to listen and I now understand that she was right. But mostly we talked about the scary stuff that I have never been able to share with anyone. The deep dark thoughts that I sometimes have. And ya know what? She told me that I was fine. And when I told her she must not be hearing what I said because anyone who thinks about these things is certainly not fine she convinced me I was fine. I still felt comforted by the image I saw and we set rules around it, only because I was afraid. Things like "OK well you can picture that, but it cant do this or this or this. OK?" and I agreed.

I never thought therapists were allowed to tell you what to do but they are. I like this. I think everyone needs someone who they can go to and just tell them that you have no idea what to do, every choice is a bad choice and that you need someone else to decide what to do because at this point, you just could not care anymore.

You know what I'm sick of? And I may step on some toes here but I don't care at this point.

Those winy little teenage girls who all hate their parents. All day its " I HATE HER! SHE WOULDN'T LET MY GO TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT! I know it was 3 am when it started and its a school night and Jim my one true love...." And let me stop there because the part of me that Dr. R calls "Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30" wants to chime in.

OK really? True love? COME ON PEOPLE!!! I mean I just had to listen to my brother throw a absolute hissy fit because his girlfriend of 2 (yes, 2) days has changed his life forever and now she broke up with him. And oh woe is him!! Now which one of my parents wants to go convince him to stop laying in the middle of the road and go inside because its 50 degrees outside and dark and no, suicide isn't an option.

UGH!
(thus ends the Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30 portion of this entry)


Now add all of the stress from my school life to this horror show of a family life (side bar- I use to be CONVINCED that my life was a German comedy show because of how things got- then I learned to laugh like it was one) add in one heaping cup of anxiety 2 cups of panic attacks and one Tbsp of people changing the constants in my life and what do you get????

-The reason I started hysterically laughing today that brought me to tears from laughter that took me to a point where I was both sobbing and laughing at the same time in front of my mother figure who, for the life of her, couldn't figure out what I was doing. So she just stared.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Celebrate Good Times

I'm quickly approaching my 2 year anniversary for therapy. For the non-therapy person this seems like forever but for me its no time at all. Actually I quit even thinking about what its gonna be like to graduate therapy because that's so far away.

Sometimes its hard for me to see the progress I've made.

I went there with panic attacks, I still have panic attacks. Its hard for me to see that I have been diagnosed with several things, learned about all that I have, got my meds changed, got them changed again, still pass the "is she bipolar?" test my psych MD gives me about 2 times a year, and most importantly I have explored, learned, felt and learned how to manage all my anxiety.

But when I make milestones its a big thing.

So today I went in with the question of dating while in therapy. I fully thought that Dr. R would say no but she thinks I'm actually ready.

Now if I date or not that's 100% my choice. But I finally get to make that choice! I have never been so emotionally stable that I can have a relationship. So this is without a doubt a HUGE milestone!

So I'm not going to celebrate the end of my therapy (that's years away) but for now I'm celebrating that I made  so much progress in a little less than 2 years.

I never thought it was possible.

How Do You Measure A Year?

First I would like to state that in this 'year' my relationship with God has grown stronger than it ever has been.

According to the Balinese people a day doesn't not have to be 24 hours it can be more or it can be less. I think this idea is amazing. There have been days that I just wished they would end and I could start a new day. I am going to start incorporating this into my life. Today is a good day and I have not decided that I want it to be over with, so its not yet. Simple as that.

With those two things stated I would like to say that tomorrow (since today has not ended in my mind) I am returning to church after what I am going to deem as a year has passed. (Although it was anywhere from 10 - 15 months in reality, I cant remember, so I'm saying a year).

This year has been hard. And that's the biggest understatement I think I have ever said. I started not going to service because, well I had been going since I was 2 weeks old and I wanted a break. I wish I could say it was a better reason and I tried to make up other reasons but one day I am going to have to look at God and answer why and I might as well start telling the truth about it now. I had gone through a lot.

Looking back even further than a year, church service was giving me panic attacks. I didn't want it to; but it was. (This was before I had started seeing Dr. R and I didn't have a diagnosis for anything). The Social Anxiety Disorder was at its worst and it was controlling my mind. It would convince me that everyone in the big sea of people was staring at me, watching my every movement and everyone was judging me. My mother thought I was being stupid about this and kept telling me that people are self conscious and are only worried about themselves. I was fine and I needed to get over these little episodes and get my butt back into service.

Walking out on a sermon apparently is frowned upon.

I started seeing Dr. R. Between the two of us we determined that I was having panic attacks. She talked to my Psych MD and he rearranged all of my medicines. I got Ativan. It helped and I continued to go to church.

About a year later my grandfather got sick. I had never been to church without either my Grandmother or Grandfather there and since my Grandmother had passed away he was the only one that I needed. But he was in the hospital. It got unbearable going. I tried a few times but I needed an 82 year old man there to hold my hand and I needed an 82 year old man to wake up every few minutes. I loved him there, I needed him there and he wasn't there.

I stopped going.

I selfishly thought that people would notice and they did. I got emails of concern for a few weeks but then it was like everyone just forgot about me. I wanted to see if they would come back or if they had given up hope in me ever going back so I waited. (For the record only 1 person ever asked me to come back)

So why go back?

My relationship with God is better than ever. I think a year away from everything, where it is just me and the Lord, was what I needed. I needed to have that relationship that I believe the church environment was hindering me from having with my Lord. I needed it to face the things the past year has thrown me. I only formed the relationship oddly enough, when I was suicidal. God is the only one that pulled me through that, that actually never ever left my side. He was committed to me and I am forever grateful. When my concussion happened a few months later I had the relationship with Him to lean on and I let Him hold me and I fully trusted in Him for the first big thing in my life and it was wonderful. He healed me. I still am not 100%, more like 85% but still, He healed me and although since this past Thursday the idea of being 85% has brought several tear-filled moments to me, I trust Him. I thank Him for where I am.

I think there are several reasons that I need to go back though. My blogging friend Eva passed away 6 months ago and that has hit me much harder that I ever thought. The foster children I watched are now back with their father. The book Eat Pray Love has helped me more than I ever thought. I have a handle on my panic and SAD. Its just time to go back.

But I think that the event that is really making me go back is something this past week with my mother figure. I wont go into details but because of a panic attack I went to her until I came out. I found something, a little list she had made, inside her desk while I was cleaning it out. (It helps me when I have something to touch and a little task to do and this is perfect- I get out of my panic and she gets a clean desk. We established this as my task a long time ago). It was a personal list of hers that no one was suppose to see that she scribbled and threw into her desk. I saw it. A list of names and some things written next to the names like "cancer" or "from church" but then there were my initials, what she calls me when shes writing my name and "student" written next to it. I know without a doubt that this is me and this is her prayer list.

She prays for me. I don't know what she prays about for me but she does. There could be thousands of things shes praying about, I don't know. I never will. But the thought that crossed my mind is that someone cares.

Someone cares enough that they ask the Lord for something on my behalf.

I was never suppose to see this. At least in her and my mind. But I think that this is part of God's plan. He knew all along that this would be the thing that sent me back to the church. He knew because He planned it.

The Lord's plan for me (and others) is complicated. But sometimes, on the rarest of rare occasions, things can seem simple and clear and this is the Lord giving us a peak into His plan for us.

So tonight I will pray for everyone that will ever read this or ever come into contact with this. I don't know what you are going through and I will never know. But I want you to know that I am praying for you, for your journey in life to be amazing, for you to have a clear sense of direction, a peak into God's plan for you, and to know that someone out there in the big big world is thinking of you and praying for you.

Catching Up + Raw(e)

First off I would like to say thank you for the thoughts and prayers for my father. Although he still is not back to work yet he is walking around and starting to need less of the pain killers. Most importantly he is eating again. He had his first real meal today for lunch. Unfortunately he developed an infection but while I was doing the dressing change (I was his personal nighttime shift nurse) I noticed it during the first dressing change and the next day checked and when it had only gotten worse he was promptly sent to the doctor. He is much, much better now.

So while I was taking care of him during the nights I only got about 2 hours of sleep a night for a while there and was still going to school so, somewhere down the line I got sick. Now this would not be such a bad thing but when I was little my brother and I both had RSV. Not good. Both of our lungs were scarred and his gave him asthma as a young child but he outgrew his. On the other hand my lungs didn't start to bother me until 2 or 3 months after my brother was officially declared asthma free (about 9 years ago). I had reactive airways and seasonal asthma but about a year ago my asthma took a turn for the worst. Now I am struggling with it daily when I am healthy. Steroids and albuterol are never far, but that's just one more med to take and in this house one more isn't really that bad, epically if you get to inhale the medicine.

But all of this make it pretty bad when I get sick. So this really bad head cold has turned into a cough. Not good at all! I have been on codeine for the cough because its the only thing that suppresses it even a little plus it helps with the pain I have from coughing so much. I got quite a few strange looks when I coughed today and the people I was near were worried for their health. I had to explain that even though it does sound like I am dying, I am not contagious its just my bad lungs. Somehow they were OK with that. They are gonna be OK, and its totally OK because she only has bad lungs. Pshh, she will be fine!



On a separate note I would like to say I got my first ever blogging award which came as a complete surprise because I had no idea anyone actually read this. (Well no, someone reads this, either that or I hit refresh well over 1,000 times and have no memory of it.) But the idea that Someone reads this and doesn't think its total rubbish is a nice self esteem boost, which I was in need of.  So here is my award.



I am suppose to give it to 15 fellow bloggers (Ha! I cant believe that I am actually calling myself a blogger!) But that is going to take a few days of thought to actually think of 15 blogs because I only follow about 6. So I will work on that, just give me time.

And since this is a random post I might as well post my Raw(e) Smiles and Laughter picture as well. This week I had to go back in my archives of pictures since I could not really leave my bed or the couch let alone be around young children or old people (because I mean who doesn't love when an old person has that "I'm SO happy to see you!!!!!" smile???)

So I thought about the pictures I have of my grandfather but they only make ME smile because to everyone else hes just another old man currently in a Jewish Community Center. Yeahhhh, we aren't Jewish either but he doesn't know the difference, he is just happy because they play Christmas music all day.

Separate note- I think I am the only one who cant stand Christmas music

So I though of my cousin Camille, the little and extremely photogenic Chinese girl with the smile that captured my heart. So I went through my files and found this.

I tried to capture her jumping on her bed in her Paton Manning jersey and frilly blue skirt (It's Indianapolis and was 3 days before they played the Saints, I got stares because I wasn't in blue!) but I didn't have the right AP value set so it didn't work. After I made her jump on her bed for 30 minutes (It counts as exercise right? Eh, who cares she loved it!) Cam gave me one final jump and landed on her stomach with this smile on her face.

Those little Chinese eyes get me every single time! She is so expressive you can read her emotions through them. It was once said that the eyes are the window to the soul and I could not agree more. Those are the eyes of a loving, energetic, little girl who is blessed to be in her loving home, she may not remember how she ended up being adopted but her birth mother and my family knows the story. This is a little girl who was abandoned at 2 days old and put in a box at a bus stop. 

Her and her little eyes have been through so much

This look says "I love you, I'm happy and I love when you visit". Nothing more. Nothing less.

And this makes me smile. Knowing you can come from a horrible background and finding happiness. Even if it is just jumping on your bed with you cousin. 

If I could edit I would sharpen the image a little but not do too much I really like the natural light. 

Want to join Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the instructions and link on up!

Prayers Please (Or Uplifting/Positive Thoughts if Praying isn't Your Cup of Tea)

I am asking for prayers for my father. He had surgery yesterday morning and there were a few unexpected complications. He is home now but he had to spend some extra time in the hospital due to the complications. He is still in a lot of pain and is not able to rest comfortably at this point, even with the pain medications.

Please pray for his recovery to be quick and without complication, for the continued knowledge and tact of the Doctors, Nurses, and other medical workers, for my father to not be eager to resume normal activities (I don't want him ripping his stitches/staples), and for his pain to be managed with the medications.

Thank you,
-Kathryn

Infertility? Who Knows.

So I haven't been wanting to write something just because even though that last post ended on a personal and downbeat tone it was a positive post. I don't want to cover that up. Oh and the Raw(e) post with 7 comments? OK sure 7 isn't a lot but heck I just about fell out of my chair (well, technically bed, thank you laptop) when I saw that. People actually are reading this! Who would have guessed?!?

So lets see, whats going on in the life of me. (Ha! That rhymed and it made me smile)

I leave in about 25 minutes to go to the lab to have blood work done. They (mostly me to be honest) are worried about my prolactin levels which some of my medicines can do, epically the Luvox(s). Yep I'm on 2 different kinds. But the other medicines could be causing all of these strange symptoms. I'm mostly concerned about the effect that hyperprolactinemia can cause on a woman's fertility. I have searched and searched and found only one study about children taking SSRI's through puberty and the affect it has on bones and most importantly to me, fertility. I don't want to have to struggle to have kids I want it to just come naturally, like it is suppose to be. I want to be pregnant and find some creative way to tell my husband that I'm expecting and I honestly thats not too much to ask.

I have 2 major, list-able fears: becoming bipolar and becoming infertile.

And its strange. I have NO family history of infertility. NONE. Nada. Zip. But I have had for the past few years this gut feeling that I was or would have problems one day. So I have had quite a fun time telling the people that brushed my concerns away that they were wrong and HA! But I have spent quite an equal amount of time crying. This is the first step in finding out a lot of information. If I do have hyperprolactinemia I would need my medicines changed around and that would just suck because I am finally stable for the first time, um, EVER, and I'm not too keen on changing that. I would need hormones. And no one has studied this really so there is no information that if this medicine is causing hyperprolactinemia leading be to be infertile now, if I change my medicines and the hyperprolactinemia goes away no one knows if the fertility would return or not. And then there is the question of what if the blood test comes back clean. Then I'm going to all sorts of doctors and tests and ugh I don't even want to go down that alley now.

So part of me hopes that it is hyperprolactinemia and part of me doesn't. I don know if I should be praying and hoping that the test comes back positive or not. I'm just unsure and the doctor is out of town so I cant ask him (Psych MD).

Then on Wednesday evening Dr. R goes out of town then with the next Monday being a holiday I wont see her for my normal 2 times a week. I hope that goes well. She is my constant right now. Last time she went out of town my sleep got turned upside down and I couldn't eat. I hope that things go better this time. But with the pending test results I don't know. I may just have to fall apart, or not, like I said I'm not sure what to think.

Either way  God will take care of me and like Dr.R assured me, she will be there with me every step of the way if I am infertile and if I have to go to China to get a kid like she did then heck, so be it. And if its not hyperprolactinemia  the she will still be there for me. My best friends are there for me and my wonderful teacher/mother-role person is there for me too.

Things are going to be OK.

Now the tricky part is believing that.

(Now if you will excuse me I have to get vials of blood drawn)

Audrey Hepburn Approved !

Raw(e) theme this week is PINK. 

I think that pink is amazing its my second favorite color right behind lilac. 

This clearly isn't a new image because well, there is a date on it. But it is from a little girl I babysit, Lea's, 1st birthday. The theme you ask? Why PINK OF COURSE!

I think I will leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes (about pink of course!) from the beautiful Audrey Hepburn!

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
— Audrey Hepburn

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Green Backs - Not a Civil War Thing Anymore

The Raw(e) theme this week is 

Green!

Before green meant environmentally friendly it meant... 

MONEY! 

And this is just about the cutest little mix of origami and money I have ever seen!

My aunt is a flight attendant and one of her first class passengers made this and gave it to her.

If I could edit I would mess with the contrast and crop (because as you can see from the weather thing on the right, it was a cloudy day when this was taken, right before it rained)

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!