Stats

5 deaths in 2 months.
3 Funerals
1.5 Weeks with Dr. R on vacation.
1 Appointment and 2 phone calls with back up therapist.
1 Breakup
8th in the Kaiser Permanente test at HOSA
2 Months since I dx my mother with sleep apnea and she finally gets it checked out
82 Times per hour she stops breathing while sleeping
69% O2 stating while she sleeps
2+ Hysterical breakdowns
86 Sleepless nights
1 Allergic Reaction to my Asthma meds
2 People I pushed away that haven't come back
1 Surgery planned for my mother next month
1 Surgery planned for my mother next month that I don't want her to get
26 Adivans consumed in the past 15 days
1 Asthma attack
2 Days I decided not to go to school for mental rest days
2 Kidneys that are acting up again
7 Days until I have to give a final answer on attending HOSA Nationals 3000+ miles away
3 Days until Dr R gets back
1 Moment at a time is all I can handle
1 Confidence that things will get better (they can't get much worse right now *knock on wood!* )

Again, no words

Another tragic death of another wonderful student at my school has happened. Noah, a freshman, and the boy who sat next to my brother in Biology class committed suicide on March 4th. No one suspected anything and Noah hid all of the signs of depression oh so well. Noah is and will forever be missed.

This one hits home given my past summer where I narrowly avoided my own suicide. I wont dive into details but it is safe to say that this death, like Katie's death, had forever changed the students at my school, including me.

Please pray for the family (God knows who the prayers are meant for) to give them peace from the guilt, strength that only the Father can provide and the ability to not move on, but to move forward in due time.

There are no words.

Last night one of my classmates passed away from flu complications. She was fine on Monday and Thursday night she is gone. Everyone at the school is barley functioning. The Crisis team has been called in and they are sending several students and teachers home that just could not function. Some teachers chose to remain home after hearing the news this morning. 

The girl, Katie, was a wonderful young woman who aspired to become a vet. She had a heart of gold and a love for animals. She ran the Environmental club and started a project that is in effect at my school for abused Tiger rescue. She was quiet, but touched the heart of everyone that she met. She will be missed by thousands at the school, her friends, her boyfriend and her family.

Please pray for this family, for the boyfriend, for her friends, for our school and community. 

Please pray for healing, for comfort, for strength, for us all to find a new normal as we adjust to Katie not being there. And please, pray that those who need help coping who have not already received help will have the courage to get help. There is no shame in needing to lean on someone during this difficult time, yet there is a stigma associated with needing help.

And if the loss of Katie was not enough for one day:

The school was also at danger today. The school is located across the street from a mall where someone was robbed and the robber had a knife (although there were also reports of a gun too).

I believe that Katie was an organ donor and I pray that her organs were allowed to be used and were given to people who will life life to the fullest. Please pray that (assuming her organs were donated) the organ recipient is healing and will live their second chance at life to the fullest. 

I will leave you with a song. It was written in a children book like manner for a blogger who I followed. She sadly passed away waiting for her second lung transplant. Here is the link The Girl Whos Hair Was on Fire

Test Results

I got tested and no TB! Yay!

However there were a few people who were positive and had to go get further testing. The 'I am going to be a nurse and I can't just not do anything' part of me came out when there was one of my classmates that was going to be rushed to the hospital. She was given no information on anything all they said was her test was 5mm and that was not good. They sat her down at a table by herself and left her alone.
Scared and alone do not mix.
I know that one personally.
So I sat with her. I got yelled at but who cares. She needed someone and everyone else was scared to even go near her. I waited until her mother arrived and even her mother was scared to be near her. All she needed was someone to hold her hand and listen to her fears. I may not be able to do much, but that I can do.

And separate from all of that I now have bronchitis. Woo! But hey at least I don't have TB and I have been having amazing hair days lately so that makes up for a lot of it.

Y'all Hear? We Got Ourselves Sum Racists Down Here in Good Ole NC!

You know what I am sick of? TB


My high school had a student that had active TB and he was unaware he had it. When he moved last month his new school tested him as a routine entrance test. Everyone gets it. However, he was positive, and come to find out he has had active TB for a few months. He was in the hospital and is receiving the proper medical care he needs.


I do not know how he got it but I do know that before he moved he was in my science class. So that means that I was in a small group of less that 100 people that are now required by NC law to be tested for TB because we were exposed every day for a little over 5 months. 


I don't really care that I might have it. 


OK, well, no.
I do care, BUT I can deal with that. 


The NC TB Task Force (I find it hilarious that this is a real thing!) is handling this. All of us that were directly exposed through classes or being on his bus are going to have a health screening and TB test on Friday and it will be read on Monday. (Although my mother freaked out and I already got a TB test, just to have to legally get another one or be forced into quarantine for 6 months)


What I am really sick of is the people and the media. I hate looking outside the window of the school and seeing TV news groups in front of the school. Or the people that pass by our school and have these sad "Aw, they are all going to die. How sad!" faces on. I can't stand that. But what I hate the most? The comments on the news report's website.


Things like
"Praying for them all, and for their families.

TB was largely eradicated in the US due to vaccinations. Expect this and other diseases to increase dramatically with the open door policy on the southern US border.

AMEN, AND AMEN!!!

Those people come in with no physicals, no medical certificates, no shots."

UMM WHAT?

OK, so yes there are a few people in my science class that are of Mexican/Spanish descent and some that are immigrants and who knows maybe some are not legal here but they all speak English. They are nice people, not these infectious germ pools of people that the media and its ignorant readers are making them out to be. 

And guess what? 

THE KID THAT HAD TB WAS WHITE.

I MEAN SUN-BURN-IN-THE-SHADE WHITE. 

And I can say that because I am more pale than he is. 

Also, people are praying for us?

Well I mean that's fine and dandy and more power to ya, but if your trying to be calming and helpful announcing that you are praying that we don't die is not the way to do it. Students read these comments and we are freaked out beyond belief as it. Please, pray if you want to, but also, PLEASE do not feel the need to announce it to us. We are intelligent people and yes we might all be taking medication for this in a week or two, and yes it 100% sucked to have to get this news not only on a Monday but the first day back from winter break. 

All I am saying is that ignorant people like that make me angry. The news teams that do not have all the facts and are assuming things and then broadcasting those things make me angry.I already have no control over this, but please world, state, area I live in- PLEASE do not be so stupid and racist!

I do not mind answering questions, in fact I would love to help people understand the situation better; just ask! But assuming that the peers I have are making an unsafe world for me is racist and that is not acceptable. 

Update on Life.

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

I hope it was wonderful! And as for the vegetarians like me, I hope you had a wonderful dinner full of side dishes!
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So I set out on this blog to document my journey through my entrance to college, my therapy and the milestones I make. I think it is long over due to make a list for myself of where I am at this point.

I enjoy my new found ability to be in a restaurant. Today I even ate chips and salsa and beans while sitting there! It was so nice to feel somewhat normal again. I went to a Mexican restaurant that was the last place I ever are out, I have wonderful memories of that little family owned and authentic restaurant from my childhood. It was great to be back!

I heard a song the other day. It was one I already knew but I heard the lyrics in a different way this time. Who Knew by P!nk. Spectacular artist (who has struggled with fertility and a miscarriage but shes now pregnant- congrats!) who speaks her mind and is by far my favorite singer and songwriter. The song is suppose to be about a break up but for me it captures my feelings of abandonment, shock, anger, and feelings that I cannot even begin to put words to all about the teacher I have who was my mother figure. Some stuff happened that wasn't pretty and I had a catastrophic meltdown of epic proportions at school because of things she has done. I went into shock and what she did even gave Dr. R a shock. It's easy to see there is still lingering tension and anger. She promised she would be around and I believed her.Who knew?

The obgyn and endocrinologist believe that I might have diabetes incipitus and that it may be a result of my concussion. Lots of testing and unknowns right now. Brain tumor(s) are still on the table and these don't even begin to address my original symptoms that I came to the Dr with. It is probably PCOS though but we still are not sure of anything. Oddly enough I am ok with the unknowns. At this point I am just glad to have people that believe me and if I can just get a name for all of this I will be content. It doesn't have to be curable or treatable (although if it is that would be preferred!) as long as it has a name.

The bad thoughts have come back with a vengeance. It is the same bad thoughts that I had a few months ago when I slipped into the major depression and was almost hospitalized. Yet somehow they are different. They are the annoying, pestering, nonstop thoughts that just go on and on and on but they aren't the suicidal thoughts that only had a goal of keeping me depressed that were there when I was in fact depressed. This time they are not depressed thoughts but they spiral out of control if I don't stop them.

I started out with the thought of college and then went to I need a place to live, but rent it insane around the college campus and I can't pay for that, there are no dorms so that's not an option. In order to have the ideal place to live (aka anywhere but here) I need to pay. Which means I need a job. Which I can't get because there are no jobs around here and plus, I can't drive to begin with. I would need to take the driving test that I have been putting off for 8 months. My permit expires on my birthday (January 24th) so I have 2 months to take the test that I am scared of failing. If you do fail you have to wait 6 weeks to retake it which means I only have 2 shots at this, that is, if I take it in the next 3 weeks. What if I fail? Failing is unacceptable! I can't do it. I just can't. But I have to.

And although the thoughts could continue, I usually get to this point in a matter of minutes and have to verbally tell them to stop.

Something else to work on in therapy. Great. As if I didn't have enough already.

Raw(e) Little

So it took me a little while to find something that fit this weeks Raw(e) theme. I wanted to see what everyone was posting and it was all babies. 

Since I don't have a baby it makes it difficult. It's not like I can go ask the lady in the supermarket if I can take a picture of her baby. I was stumped.

That is until my next door neighbor got a brand new PUPPY!

So I asked if I could take a picture of their little puppy. The little guy started eating my shoe and naturally I took pictures instead of saving my shoelace. 

Want to join in on the fun of Raw(e) ? 

Head on over to Sailor & Company , read the instructions and link on up!