RAW(e) Desserts

This weeks RAW(e) theme is

DESSERTS

I love to bake and made these cupcakes in December (which works out well since I don't feel like going and baking something for this weeks entry). Later in the decorating process they had snowflakes piped onto them but I liked this picture the best. 

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

A Look Into My Childhood- You Lucky Duck!!!

So I'm trying to keep that promise of being more optimistic in my posts but golly is that hard. I'm really not much of a "glass half full" kinda gal.

Ive been going through what the people in the medical world call a Major Depression. Mine was brought on by several factors but running/managing a red cross blood drive almost single handily (on the student part, my advisor did all the advisor stuff ) and by the end of that we were both so exhausted we wanted to beat people with a burlap sack of nickels and then go take a butt load of lorazepam. Unfortunately I couldn't relax because 7 days after the blood drive I had yearbook distribution day which, as Business Manager, I played a huge role in that stressful event. I didn't make it all the way through yearbook distribution day, I got so overwhelmed and stressed out I ended up curled up in the fetal position behind a teachers desk for several hours. 9 days after that was exams and then summer started. By that point I was in full fledged Major depression, I was on Suicide Watch 24/7 for several weeks and it was FINALLY lifted last Wednesday. Lots of therapy, talk of the hospital, and being drug around places I didn't want to go to for almost two months. Although Suicide Watch was never my favorite thing it did help seeing as I was in a deep dark abyss of depression.

So in the midst of all of that I went to Disney for a national competition I placed for (didn't win but I didn't expect to) and now my support team has decided they are all in need of a vacation so they are all gone for the week. But I kept telling them that I will be fine and I am, however there was something I found surprising. I miss them!

Now I had said somewhere before that because my mother was hospitalized for several months and was seriously ill for about 1.5 years, that's when my father started drinking. As a 8 year old it was just me and my 5 year old brother. I had to grow up to protect us, get us to the grocery store for food, pack lunches, do laundry, do homework with him, make sure he took a bath every once in a blue moon and other mom stuff in addition to being in 5th grade and trying not to reveal that we were in such bad shape; because I knew we would end up in the foster care system and I didn't want that. So I grew up. I became 30 because I had to. I became hyper vigilant and expected the worst out of everything. I had to. But because I had to grow up so fast I lost some emotions- mostly regret.

However with the help of a really good therapist and support team I am having to learn the things that I skipped over when I became 30. Things like trust. I never trusted anyone until now. I was use to it just being me. My motto from the age of 7 was " I am Kathryn and I can do anything, I don't need anyone else because I am Kathryn gosh darn it!" It worked. But now I am slowly letting people into the save haven I created out of protection (and when I say slowly I mean Ive been working for almost 2 years and I fully trust 2 people and 1 or 2 friends).

So when everyone went on vacation this week I told them that I would be fine because I'm use to being alone and fending for myself its what I've done for years certainly I can do it another week. I am fine but I discovered another lost emotion. I miss them!

This whole feeling of needing someone other than just me is totally new to me. And to be frank- I'm not sure if I like it or not. I was fine all on my own (in my opinion) and now that I have people to lean on I don't like the idea that if they leave I don't function as I normally would.

Its the kinda thing I would talk out in therapy - but shes on vacation. Aah the sheer irony.

So that has been my past month or so. Now I just wait until Monday when everyone will be back. I cant wait!

Raw(e) Flower-o-rama Lily Pad Style

The theme for this week:

FLOWERS

I recently perticipated in the HOSA national competition at Disney where I stayed at the beautiful Coronado Springs resort. I loved the beautiful and huge lake covered in lily pads in bloom (I had never actually seen one before) and all sorts of tropical plants. It just seems amazing to me (and has since I was little) that a flower or plant can grow on water with no soil, sand or anything.

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Tis Story Time My Children!

Its a nice June day, about 75 outside and Kathryn and Becca are about 30-35 years of age, sitting on a porch. They are sitting in their favorite white painted rocking chairs watching their young babes run around together playing in a water sprinkler. Their husbands, dressed in the proper attire, are out back grilling (vegetarian food of course! ) and talking about what ever it is that men talk about, sports I guess. Its a beautiful way to end the week with the Friday get together.

Each week, its all the children talk about. "Momma! Momma! Momma! Is it time for Aunt Becca, Isabelle, Adam, Joseph and Abraham to come over yet?" Kathryn smiles and responds " No, sweetheart but tomorrow they will be here" Little Jacques, Addison, and Izzy Bree run along to go make a fort out of the couch cushions.

On the porch Kathryn and Becca talk about the news, new gossip, shoe shopping, work, the newest apple invention, and of course the newest addition to Kathryn's life - being pregnant again with a little girl to be named Meredith Celia Juliette.

The two eldest babes Jacques (4.5 years old) and Isabelle (4 years old) come running across the lawn. "MOMEEEEE WE HAVE A QUESTION!!!" they bellow in unison. Once the reach the beaming mothers, happy to answer the question, the children ask how their Mommies met.

Becca begins " When we were little but almost grownups we had a science class together - you know science remember they have a science center at daycare- Aunt Kathryn got confused a lot in that class but I helped her until she had to go to another class."

Kathryn picks up "But your Aunt Becca and I kept talking to each other, all the time! Some times even when we were not suppose to be talking *smiles at children* but we soon became best friends"

"Just like me and Jacques!"Isabelle chimes in

"Exactly sweetheart! Just like you and Jacques."

"But one day Aunt Kathryn got sick. Aunt Kathryn could only lay in bed all day and look at the ceiling all day long. She couldn't go outside, she couldn't listen to music, she couldn't even do her school work, she was really sick!"

Kathryn takes over "Because I was so sick some people got scared and left me alone, but I was sick with something different, not like the sniffles, no this sickness was in my brain. To get better I had to go to the doctor every single day and after a few days, no one was left, the all got scared and left but Aunt Becca was there. Aunt Becca and I talked and talked all day and all night and sometimes even when I was feeling the worst, Aunt Becca would make me giggle."

Becca chimes in " We would both giggle"

Kathryn remembers, "That's right! And Aunt Becca would invite me to places even though all I wanted to do was lay in bed. But there was something special Aunt Becca did that I can never ever EVER repay her for- Aunt Becca kept me from dying."

"Like Skippy the turtle that went to sleep forever? " Jacques asked, intrigued

"Yes darling just like that. Aunt Becca kept me from dying a lot of times. When I would feel my worst she would talk to me about her day, her teachers, how pretty it was outside and lots of other stuff too and I would feel better and I wouldn't die, the sickness in my brain would go away for a little bit." said Kathryn.

"Because your Aunt Becca cares so much about me she didn't want me to die, she loved me so much even when she was scared she didn't show it, she showed her bravery and her strength, just like a super hero. Aunt Becca was my super hero."

" And Aunt Kathryn helped me too, we were each other's super hero. And you guys know the rule with super hero's right? They can never leave each other. They are destined to be best friends for ever and ever. And that my darlings is how your Aunt Becca and Aunt Kathryn met." Becca and Kathryn smile as they continue to rock in their chairs. The children run back to tell their brothers and sisters about the story, a faint "Did you know Mommy was a super hero?" can be heard in the back ground although all Kathryn and Becca can focus on is remembering that time in their lives when thing were so unknown, when institutionalization was a serious option and when Kathryn almost went down the wrong path, only to be saved by her super hero, her best friend Becca.

The End

Who Knew That 'Yay' Wasn't in the Dictionary?

Things are turning around.

Its been a rough few months and I know that Ive been using this blog to vent. I mean its my blog so I guess I can write whatever I want to.

However I have been really negative. Its been a tough few months.

My brother and Grandfather were both hospitalized, my mom went through 4 circles of mania to depression and back in a record time. Therapy has been hard (well its always hard but still) and with a record amount of pollen this year and me having asthma, I haven't been able to breathe for about 4 months. A fellow blogger I followed passed away from her life long battle with Cystic Fibrosis. A lot of stress with finals coming up. Oh and I'm getting over gastroenteritis this past 5 days or so. Either way I've been crabby and negative and I do feel bad about that.

Its so easy to be negative.

So easy to look at the bad and forget to see the good. Sometimes its hard to see the good. Sometimes its REALLY hard to see. But its always there, and I forgot that.

Ive been so self centered lately and I feel bad about that. No positive posts. I feel bad that whoever the heck reads this (and I know someone does because the counter is almost up to 600 views(WOW)) has been reading negative after negative after negative since about January or so.

So a happy post.

Hm lets see.

How about I just name positives?

Yea that's a start.

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Ha ha well I just smiled because that line looks like the ones from emails when something is forwarded to like 245793457039485 people. Admit it, you know exactly what I'm talking about!

I have both of my parents alive

I have a bed to sleep in

Ive made progress in therapy

I laugh and smile at little things

When I get to a point where I can either curl up in a ball, fall apart and cry or just laugh- I laugh

I have a God that loves me

I'm going to HOSA nationals for something even my Drs never imagined I would do well in (HA I was right!)

I meed with my psych MD tomorrow and I wont need medicine changes =D

I have two best friends that I can go to for almost anything

I know someone else who has a mom with bipolar

I have a woman who I love as a mother and she loves me too

I know exactly where I want to go to college and what I have to do to go there

-Ive already talked to them and they want me to go there

-Yea I think in lists and sub lists under the lists

-No its TOTALLY not odd!

I'm good at making lists!

I thrive under stress

I'm wearing comfortable socks which makes me smile

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So there we have it a list (which I'm pretty good at making =) ) of positive things. I think it kinda warped into a ' Kathryn, remember your good at stuff ' list but oh well. It works.

Well there it is, the start of positive blogging. Although I cant promise there wont be any venting but I will try my best.

Well I'm gonna head on to bed since its almost 3 am and I am finally able to try and go to school again tomorrow (Although I did sleep on and off for like 16 hours today). Yay! (No. I'm serious on the yay, Ive been in bed for days now its getting really old)

Manic at the Disco

Mania. Oh how I hate you!

Mania isn't just hyperactivity around here. OH no. That would be too easy! Its about 4 days of rage filled people ganging up against you. Not just violence, what kind of orange juice to buy, what to have for dinner, should the music/volume of something be turned around, etc. And boy is it starting to get on my nerves!

It would also be too easy to have just 1 person with bipolar in this house. Nope gotta have two, so two times the medicine, two times the anger, two times the irrational behavior and OH boy do these 2 affect each other in their cycles.

My brother was hospitalized (medical, not psych) on Tuesday and released on Wednesday. This spun my mother into a spontaneous manic state. It was only exacerbated when my grandfather was hospitalized on Wednesday almost dying of hypothermia for no apparent reason. My mother isn't suppose to be manic right now, she is suppose to be in that time of about a week where she is normal. But she is manic like crazy right now which makes my brother also change in his cycle pattern and become manic as well.

And they are not just like hyper. They are angry, violent, short fused, ticking time bombs of rage, make you want to run and hind in a hole for the next week or so kind of manic.

I hate it.

So much so that even though I am no where near the child bearing state of my life, I have been thinking about how close I was to my grandmother and if I want that for my children when I have kids.

My mom wants to be a grandmother more than ANYTHING in the ENTIRE WORLD.

But for my kids future would I want them to be around someone like that?

I know first hand what constant exposure to my mother is like and what it does to a person's mental health. (Not good people, NOT GOOD)

I also have someone who is near and dear to my heart that is for all intents and purposes, my mother. I have no relation with this woman, but for some reason we just kinda clung to each other. No idea why but I sure am glad it happened. She is emotionally stable, a kind, good hearted woman that is so loving its actually bringing me to tears as I type this.

I want her as my mother. I really do. I would trade in a heart beat with no regrets.

I know with open adoptions (not that I'm adopted or would ever be put up for adoption) as the child grows older it is explained to them that their birth mom is special because she helped them find their family, the people that were suppose to raise them. That the child chose the birth mom to be their birth mom but they chose someone else to be their mommy and that the birth mother helped them find their true mommy.

Unrelated I know but still at the same time it is related. When I was younger I heard that before you are born you choose your parents and there were dozens of times I was on my knees yelling at God "WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CHOOSE THESE PEOPLE?!?!? I'M NOT THAT STUPID AM I ?!?" But I think I might finally get it. I think that before I was born I choose my parents to raise me but I choose this woman to be my mom.

She loves me like a daughter and I love her like a mother and we have even talked about when I do have kids would I be open to letting her see them and be like an unofficial grandmother. Of course I said yes I would LOVE for that to happen I would love my kids to get to know her and have her in their lives. But the more I think about it, the more I think about how much I want her to be their grandmother instead of my mother.

My mother is bipolar. She is going to be bipolar until the day she dies. There is a good chance she would treat my children the same way that she treats me. I would never wish that upon anyone! Let alone my children.

I'm torn. I have a decision to make when I go to collage soon. I will be on my own and I can choose to move anywhere and not have any contact with my family if I want to. Most days that's what I want. Just to go run off to Russia or something (eh maybe somewhere less cold).

But I would ultimately be hurting myself and my kids. Would I tell them about my family? Would I invite them to my wedding even? Would I have my mom told that I had a child? Would I raise my children not knowing anything of their grandmother and just let the loving one who whats to be a grandmother to my children be the sole grandmother? What would happen if/when they found out? How would I explain it? If I just say they are all dead would that work? Would they understand and forgive me? Would they try and find the members of my side of the family? How would my mother react?

OK. Enough questions aka the constant thought process of someone with 4 panic disorders brought on by living in this environment.

I don't know what to do. I have time to decide but still its not a black and white decision. Its all grey, 100% of it.

Can someone just give me the answers? I'm kinda drowning over here!

Its Been a Bad Day, Week, 12 Days - You Pick

How do you measure a bad day?

Is it bad because you got stung by a bee or bad because you got in a fight with your friend or bad for some other reason? Is it the thoughts we have that make it a bad day or the outside factors we cannot control that make it a bad day?

Do you ever just look at every single thing that's happened in your day and by all means it should be a bad day but for some reason it doesn't feel like one?

Ive had one of those days.

4 panic attacks, 1 PTSD flash back, my mother and brother blaming me for my fathers affair, my brother telling me to my face he wishes I was dead (then my mom saying nothing even when I asked her to do something) a 15 minute call to Dr.R for help and she basically told me to just take my medicine and go to sleep. Ive cried 2 times today, emotionally shut down, and got home and just slept for 6 hours because I just couldn't do it anymore.

By all means it should be a bad day.

Thing is-

It doesn't feel like it.

I don't feel like much these days. Just a depressed glob. Going through the motions of life. Not enjoying anything, not really caring about much, just going through the motions. I could not leave my bed for 4 days. I just starred at the ceiling for 4 days in a row. That's depression. I'm forgetting to breathe sometimes. The still recovering broken nose my brother gave me because he was mad doesn't help.

Sleeping is the only good thing. I'm dreaming again. Granted the dreams may be kinda crazy and suck most of the time ( During my nap today I dreamt that my history teacher had a baby with downs syndrome and a cleft palate. I deeply dislike my history teacher, now shes popping up in my dreams. Great... ) but they are better than being awake.

I guess its the lesser of 2 evils.

I can deal with odd dreams about bad things and people I don't necessarily like. I can do that.

I can sleep.

I can dream.

I can finally get out of bed.

I can go to school. ( Cant do the work but I can show up which is a major improvement over last week)

I can hold a conversation.

I can go through the motions with little to no emotion involved.

I can write again.

I can be here.

I can even make a crappy list of things I can do.

This hasn't killed me yet. I'm too stubborn to let it.

Well my parents always said me being possibly the most stubborn person in the entire world might come in handy later in life.

Guess they might of been right.