Test Results

I got tested and no TB! Yay!

However there were a few people who were positive and had to go get further testing. The 'I am going to be a nurse and I can't just not do anything' part of me came out when there was one of my classmates that was going to be rushed to the hospital. She was given no information on anything all they said was her test was 5mm and that was not good. They sat her down at a table by herself and left her alone.
Scared and alone do not mix.
I know that one personally.
So I sat with her. I got yelled at but who cares. She needed someone and everyone else was scared to even go near her. I waited until her mother arrived and even her mother was scared to be near her. All she needed was someone to hold her hand and listen to her fears. I may not be able to do much, but that I can do.

And separate from all of that I now have bronchitis. Woo! But hey at least I don't have TB and I have been having amazing hair days lately so that makes up for a lot of it.

Y'all Hear? We Got Ourselves Sum Racists Down Here in Good Ole NC!

You know what I am sick of? TB


My high school had a student that had active TB and he was unaware he had it. When he moved last month his new school tested him as a routine entrance test. Everyone gets it. However, he was positive, and come to find out he has had active TB for a few months. He was in the hospital and is receiving the proper medical care he needs.


I do not know how he got it but I do know that before he moved he was in my science class. So that means that I was in a small group of less that 100 people that are now required by NC law to be tested for TB because we were exposed every day for a little over 5 months. 


I don't really care that I might have it. 


OK, well, no.
I do care, BUT I can deal with that. 


The NC TB Task Force (I find it hilarious that this is a real thing!) is handling this. All of us that were directly exposed through classes or being on his bus are going to have a health screening and TB test on Friday and it will be read on Monday. (Although my mother freaked out and I already got a TB test, just to have to legally get another one or be forced into quarantine for 6 months)


What I am really sick of is the people and the media. I hate looking outside the window of the school and seeing TV news groups in front of the school. Or the people that pass by our school and have these sad "Aw, they are all going to die. How sad!" faces on. I can't stand that. But what I hate the most? The comments on the news report's website.


Things like
"Praying for them all, and for their families.

TB was largely eradicated in the US due to vaccinations. Expect this and other diseases to increase dramatically with the open door policy on the southern US border.

AMEN, AND AMEN!!!

Those people come in with no physicals, no medical certificates, no shots."

UMM WHAT?

OK, so yes there are a few people in my science class that are of Mexican/Spanish descent and some that are immigrants and who knows maybe some are not legal here but they all speak English. They are nice people, not these infectious germ pools of people that the media and its ignorant readers are making them out to be. 

And guess what? 

THE KID THAT HAD TB WAS WHITE.

I MEAN SUN-BURN-IN-THE-SHADE WHITE. 

And I can say that because I am more pale than he is. 

Also, people are praying for us?

Well I mean that's fine and dandy and more power to ya, but if your trying to be calming and helpful announcing that you are praying that we don't die is not the way to do it. Students read these comments and we are freaked out beyond belief as it. Please, pray if you want to, but also, PLEASE do not feel the need to announce it to us. We are intelligent people and yes we might all be taking medication for this in a week or two, and yes it 100% sucked to have to get this news not only on a Monday but the first day back from winter break. 

All I am saying is that ignorant people like that make me angry. The news teams that do not have all the facts and are assuming things and then broadcasting those things make me angry.I already have no control over this, but please world, state, area I live in- PLEASE do not be so stupid and racist!

I do not mind answering questions, in fact I would love to help people understand the situation better; just ask! But assuming that the peers I have are making an unsafe world for me is racist and that is not acceptable. 

Update on Life.

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

I hope it was wonderful! And as for the vegetarians like me, I hope you had a wonderful dinner full of side dishes!
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So I set out on this blog to document my journey through my entrance to college, my therapy and the milestones I make. I think it is long over due to make a list for myself of where I am at this point.

I enjoy my new found ability to be in a restaurant. Today I even ate chips and salsa and beans while sitting there! It was so nice to feel somewhat normal again. I went to a Mexican restaurant that was the last place I ever are out, I have wonderful memories of that little family owned and authentic restaurant from my childhood. It was great to be back!

I heard a song the other day. It was one I already knew but I heard the lyrics in a different way this time. Who Knew by P!nk. Spectacular artist (who has struggled with fertility and a miscarriage but shes now pregnant- congrats!) who speaks her mind and is by far my favorite singer and songwriter. The song is suppose to be about a break up but for me it captures my feelings of abandonment, shock, anger, and feelings that I cannot even begin to put words to all about the teacher I have who was my mother figure. Some stuff happened that wasn't pretty and I had a catastrophic meltdown of epic proportions at school because of things she has done. I went into shock and what she did even gave Dr. R a shock. It's easy to see there is still lingering tension and anger. She promised she would be around and I believed her.Who knew?

The obgyn and endocrinologist believe that I might have diabetes incipitus and that it may be a result of my concussion. Lots of testing and unknowns right now. Brain tumor(s) are still on the table and these don't even begin to address my original symptoms that I came to the Dr with. It is probably PCOS though but we still are not sure of anything. Oddly enough I am ok with the unknowns. At this point I am just glad to have people that believe me and if I can just get a name for all of this I will be content. It doesn't have to be curable or treatable (although if it is that would be preferred!) as long as it has a name.

The bad thoughts have come back with a vengeance. It is the same bad thoughts that I had a few months ago when I slipped into the major depression and was almost hospitalized. Yet somehow they are different. They are the annoying, pestering, nonstop thoughts that just go on and on and on but they aren't the suicidal thoughts that only had a goal of keeping me depressed that were there when I was in fact depressed. This time they are not depressed thoughts but they spiral out of control if I don't stop them.

I started out with the thought of college and then went to I need a place to live, but rent it insane around the college campus and I can't pay for that, there are no dorms so that's not an option. In order to have the ideal place to live (aka anywhere but here) I need to pay. Which means I need a job. Which I can't get because there are no jobs around here and plus, I can't drive to begin with. I would need to take the driving test that I have been putting off for 8 months. My permit expires on my birthday (January 24th) so I have 2 months to take the test that I am scared of failing. If you do fail you have to wait 6 weeks to retake it which means I only have 2 shots at this, that is, if I take it in the next 3 weeks. What if I fail? Failing is unacceptable! I can't do it. I just can't. But I have to.

And although the thoughts could continue, I usually get to this point in a matter of minutes and have to verbally tell them to stop.

Something else to work on in therapy. Great. As if I didn't have enough already.

Raw(e) Little

So it took me a little while to find something that fit this weeks Raw(e) theme. I wanted to see what everyone was posting and it was all babies. 

Since I don't have a baby it makes it difficult. It's not like I can go ask the lady in the supermarket if I can take a picture of her baby. I was stumped.

That is until my next door neighbor got a brand new PUPPY!

So I asked if I could take a picture of their little puppy. The little guy started eating my shoe and naturally I took pictures instead of saving my shoelace. 

Want to join in on the fun of Raw(e) ? 

Head on over to Sailor & Company , read the instructions and link on up!

I'm Sick Of...

- it being cold in this house
-getting blood work done
-having a vial of my blood that no one can find (traveled from NC to AZ... um what?)
-people who think they can help but cant
-people trying to help but making things worse
-living in a house where you cant even go downstairs without being sucked into a fight
-not having a better word than dysfunctional
-the annoying little kid in my science class who always tries to one up me
-Dr's telling me I might have a brain lesion or mass
-not knowing the difference from lesion and mass
-not wanting to leave my bed but knowing that's the last safe place for me to be
-convincing people that I'm fine
-seeing my grades plummet
-having swollen and sore wrists from being grabbed so much
-living knowing these people in this house
-being associated with these people
-no one bothering to refill my meds even though I've asked every day for the past 3 weeks
-crying
-having no one that listens
-drinking all this fricking water
-having labs that don't tell the Dr anything
-bruises from blood draws
-finger pricks from glucose tests
-not being 18 yet so I have no rights
-more crying
-my brother threatening me
-everyone who deals with my family leaving
-this headache I've had for a week
-being so out of control because I don't have my meds because no one bothered to refill them
-listening to everyone complain
-people who don't call you back in a timely fashion
-post concussion syndrome
-fighting the bad thoughts
-missing school because of therapy
-not having an understanding teacher
-hating school for the first time ever
-not having a place for my panic attacks
-wondering if people really do care or they have just been pretending
-people who say they are sorry but don't change their actions
-having to remind my mother to be a mother
-living here

Stupid Carpets!

Whoever decided to make pills the same color as carpets was insanely stupid.

Well it seems that the depression went away as fast as it came. Odd, but I'm OK with that.

I finally went to the Dr for all of these odd symptoms I've been having.

Plus side?
I was seeing a new Dr and she is wonderful. And since it was a lady Dr, all the super pregnant women around me made everything so much better! I mean really! Who doesn't just love a super big pregnant belly? (except for maybe the owner of that super big belly)

Minus side?
I am being tested for PCOS, Insulin resistance, fasting blood sugar, liver and kidney enzymes (make sure they are still working), about 7 hormones, B6, B12, anemia, and prolactin to test for a prolactinoma.

Plus side?
This is the first Dr in years (other than Dr.R) who ACTUALLY LISTENS! Its so nice to be taken seriously! It is 100% unfair but 100% true that people with anxiety written all over their chart get treated differently. Especially when you have a bunch of random symptoms that don't usually cause a physical marker. Drs tend to brush the patients off. I have been told several times that I don't actually have ____, its just because I'm anxious and pick up on small, normal things. But with this Dr, I could even tell her that I just didn't feel right. I couldn't point to something and say "this hurts" but i just overall felt different and not right. SHE LISTENED! Shes now officially my favorite MD ever!.

Minus side?
She said the words "brain tumor" .
Actually said those words.
Also?
Shes worried that with PCOS (or even if I don't have it) and the psych medicines that I was on through puberty and the ones I'm on now (benzos are really worrisome) have permanently affected my fertility. We have no idea how much they affected my fertility, but to say I am infertile is not out of the question.
Also?
I'm being tested and have a lot of the symptoms of Type 2 Diabetes
Also?
I have been trying to figure out how to stay vegetarian and have Diabetes and I don't think its actually possible.


Either way, I am trying not to freak out about these test results. I get them back on Nov 1.

As Dr. R says "Its not about choosing what you want to have and what you don't want. That has already been decided for you. You can wish away something or you can wish for something, either way, the tests have already been submitted.You can't change the results by wishing really hard. All you can do now is wait."

6 days of waiting down, 8 to go.

Ive Officially Slipped... Again

Well I have another new diagnosis.

Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder. 

Woo! It's just SO much fun!

Yea. Now, I'm going to go take a nap and have my goal of tomorrow be to go to the store. Seeing as I didn't  couldn't leave my bed today this is a good goal. Plus I need to work on my depression project! It's going to be a wonderful, loving reminder of why suicide is not a good idea.

Also a goal? To stop wanting to drive a car into a giant pole. (FYI: I'm having other people drive me places just to be on the safe side)