Update on Life.

Happy belated Thanksgiving!

I hope it was wonderful! And as for the vegetarians like me, I hope you had a wonderful dinner full of side dishes!
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So I set out on this blog to document my journey through my entrance to college, my therapy and the milestones I make. I think it is long over due to make a list for myself of where I am at this point.

I enjoy my new found ability to be in a restaurant. Today I even ate chips and salsa and beans while sitting there! It was so nice to feel somewhat normal again. I went to a Mexican restaurant that was the last place I ever are out, I have wonderful memories of that little family owned and authentic restaurant from my childhood. It was great to be back!

I heard a song the other day. It was one I already knew but I heard the lyrics in a different way this time. Who Knew by P!nk. Spectacular artist (who has struggled with fertility and a miscarriage but shes now pregnant- congrats!) who speaks her mind and is by far my favorite singer and songwriter. The song is suppose to be about a break up but for me it captures my feelings of abandonment, shock, anger, and feelings that I cannot even begin to put words to all about the teacher I have who was my mother figure. Some stuff happened that wasn't pretty and I had a catastrophic meltdown of epic proportions at school because of things she has done. I went into shock and what she did even gave Dr. R a shock. It's easy to see there is still lingering tension and anger. She promised she would be around and I believed her.Who knew?

The obgyn and endocrinologist believe that I might have diabetes incipitus and that it may be a result of my concussion. Lots of testing and unknowns right now. Brain tumor(s) are still on the table and these don't even begin to address my original symptoms that I came to the Dr with. It is probably PCOS though but we still are not sure of anything. Oddly enough I am ok with the unknowns. At this point I am just glad to have people that believe me and if I can just get a name for all of this I will be content. It doesn't have to be curable or treatable (although if it is that would be preferred!) as long as it has a name.

The bad thoughts have come back with a vengeance. It is the same bad thoughts that I had a few months ago when I slipped into the major depression and was almost hospitalized. Yet somehow they are different. They are the annoying, pestering, nonstop thoughts that just go on and on and on but they aren't the suicidal thoughts that only had a goal of keeping me depressed that were there when I was in fact depressed. This time they are not depressed thoughts but they spiral out of control if I don't stop them.

I started out with the thought of college and then went to I need a place to live, but rent it insane around the college campus and I can't pay for that, there are no dorms so that's not an option. In order to have the ideal place to live (aka anywhere but here) I need to pay. Which means I need a job. Which I can't get because there are no jobs around here and plus, I can't drive to begin with. I would need to take the driving test that I have been putting off for 8 months. My permit expires on my birthday (January 24th) so I have 2 months to take the test that I am scared of failing. If you do fail you have to wait 6 weeks to retake it which means I only have 2 shots at this, that is, if I take it in the next 3 weeks. What if I fail? Failing is unacceptable! I can't do it. I just can't. But I have to.

And although the thoughts could continue, I usually get to this point in a matter of minutes and have to verbally tell them to stop.

Something else to work on in therapy. Great. As if I didn't have enough already.

Raw(e) Little

So it took me a little while to find something that fit this weeks Raw(e) theme. I wanted to see what everyone was posting and it was all babies. 

Since I don't have a baby it makes it difficult. It's not like I can go ask the lady in the supermarket if I can take a picture of her baby. I was stumped.

That is until my next door neighbor got a brand new PUPPY!

So I asked if I could take a picture of their little puppy. The little guy started eating my shoe and naturally I took pictures instead of saving my shoelace. 

Want to join in on the fun of Raw(e) ? 

Head on over to Sailor & Company , read the instructions and link on up!

I'm Sick Of...

- it being cold in this house
-getting blood work done
-having a vial of my blood that no one can find (traveled from NC to AZ... um what?)
-people who think they can help but cant
-people trying to help but making things worse
-living in a house where you cant even go downstairs without being sucked into a fight
-not having a better word than dysfunctional
-the annoying little kid in my science class who always tries to one up me
-Dr's telling me I might have a brain lesion or mass
-not knowing the difference from lesion and mass
-not wanting to leave my bed but knowing that's the last safe place for me to be
-convincing people that I'm fine
-seeing my grades plummet
-having swollen and sore wrists from being grabbed so much
-living knowing these people in this house
-being associated with these people
-no one bothering to refill my meds even though I've asked every day for the past 3 weeks
-crying
-having no one that listens
-drinking all this fricking water
-having labs that don't tell the Dr anything
-bruises from blood draws
-finger pricks from glucose tests
-not being 18 yet so I have no rights
-more crying
-my brother threatening me
-everyone who deals with my family leaving
-this headache I've had for a week
-being so out of control because I don't have my meds because no one bothered to refill them
-listening to everyone complain
-people who don't call you back in a timely fashion
-post concussion syndrome
-fighting the bad thoughts
-missing school because of therapy
-not having an understanding teacher
-hating school for the first time ever
-not having a place for my panic attacks
-wondering if people really do care or they have just been pretending
-people who say they are sorry but don't change their actions
-having to remind my mother to be a mother
-living here

Stupid Carpets!

Whoever decided to make pills the same color as carpets was insanely stupid.

Well it seems that the depression went away as fast as it came. Odd, but I'm OK with that.

I finally went to the Dr for all of these odd symptoms I've been having.

Plus side?
I was seeing a new Dr and she is wonderful. And since it was a lady Dr, all the super pregnant women around me made everything so much better! I mean really! Who doesn't just love a super big pregnant belly? (except for maybe the owner of that super big belly)

Minus side?
I am being tested for PCOS, Insulin resistance, fasting blood sugar, liver and kidney enzymes (make sure they are still working), about 7 hormones, B6, B12, anemia, and prolactin to test for a prolactinoma.

Plus side?
This is the first Dr in years (other than Dr.R) who ACTUALLY LISTENS! Its so nice to be taken seriously! It is 100% unfair but 100% true that people with anxiety written all over their chart get treated differently. Especially when you have a bunch of random symptoms that don't usually cause a physical marker. Drs tend to brush the patients off. I have been told several times that I don't actually have ____, its just because I'm anxious and pick up on small, normal things. But with this Dr, I could even tell her that I just didn't feel right. I couldn't point to something and say "this hurts" but i just overall felt different and not right. SHE LISTENED! Shes now officially my favorite MD ever!.

Minus side?
She said the words "brain tumor" .
Actually said those words.
Also?
Shes worried that with PCOS (or even if I don't have it) and the psych medicines that I was on through puberty and the ones I'm on now (benzos are really worrisome) have permanently affected my fertility. We have no idea how much they affected my fertility, but to say I am infertile is not out of the question.
Also?
I'm being tested and have a lot of the symptoms of Type 2 Diabetes
Also?
I have been trying to figure out how to stay vegetarian and have Diabetes and I don't think its actually possible.


Either way, I am trying not to freak out about these test results. I get them back on Nov 1.

As Dr. R says "Its not about choosing what you want to have and what you don't want. That has already been decided for you. You can wish away something or you can wish for something, either way, the tests have already been submitted.You can't change the results by wishing really hard. All you can do now is wait."

6 days of waiting down, 8 to go.

Ive Officially Slipped... Again

Well I have another new diagnosis.

Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder. 

Woo! It's just SO much fun!

Yea. Now, I'm going to go take a nap and have my goal of tomorrow be to go to the store. Seeing as I didn't  couldn't leave my bed today this is a good goal. Plus I need to work on my depression project! It's going to be a wonderful, loving reminder of why suicide is not a good idea.

Also a goal? To stop wanting to drive a car into a giant pole. (FYI: I'm having other people drive me places just to be on the safe side)

A Post Without Editing

I'm getting tired again.

Last time this happened I slipped.
Oh, boy did I slip!
I slipped so far into the depths of depression that I'm still recovering 5 months later.

Luckily, this time I know the signs to watch for and I know that people wont just ship me off to the hospital. I know I will be listened to and the only way to get better is to talk about things. Even the scary things. Because things with me do get scary and they get scary quickly and the people I let close to me know that and they know what to do and I am blessed that I have this.

I'm blessed with my Support Boat.

I am finally starting to trust people. Mostly Dr. R but that's a good start.

I don't think Ive ever really said how amazing she truly is. Today we talked about deep stuff and when she didn't understand something I was able to get her on the right page. She was able to tell me that reading the book I am reading (or was) is a bad idea at this point in my life. I was able to listen and I now understand that she was right. But mostly we talked about the scary stuff that I have never been able to share with anyone. The deep dark thoughts that I sometimes have. And ya know what? She told me that I was fine. And when I told her she must not be hearing what I said because anyone who thinks about these things is certainly not fine she convinced me I was fine. I still felt comforted by the image I saw and we set rules around it, only because I was afraid. Things like "OK well you can picture that, but it cant do this or this or this. OK?" and I agreed.

I never thought therapists were allowed to tell you what to do but they are. I like this. I think everyone needs someone who they can go to and just tell them that you have no idea what to do, every choice is a bad choice and that you need someone else to decide what to do because at this point, you just could not care anymore.

You know what I'm sick of? And I may step on some toes here but I don't care at this point.

Those winy little teenage girls who all hate their parents. All day its " I HATE HER! SHE WOULDN'T LET MY GO TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT! I know it was 3 am when it started and its a school night and Jim my one true love...." And let me stop there because the part of me that Dr. R calls "Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30" wants to chime in.

OK really? True love? COME ON PEOPLE!!! I mean I just had to listen to my brother throw a absolute hissy fit because his girlfriend of 2 (yes, 2) days has changed his life forever and now she broke up with him. And oh woe is him!! Now which one of my parents wants to go convince him to stop laying in the middle of the road and go inside because its 50 degrees outside and dark and no, suicide isn't an option.

UGH!
(thus ends the Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30 portion of this entry)


Now add all of the stress from my school life to this horror show of a family life (side bar- I use to be CONVINCED that my life was a German comedy show because of how things got- then I learned to laugh like it was one) add in one heaping cup of anxiety 2 cups of panic attacks and one Tbsp of people changing the constants in my life and what do you get????

-The reason I started hysterically laughing today that brought me to tears from laughter that took me to a point where I was both sobbing and laughing at the same time in front of my mother figure who, for the life of her, couldn't figure out what I was doing. So she just stared.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Celebrate Good Times

I'm quickly approaching my 2 year anniversary for therapy. For the non-therapy person this seems like forever but for me its no time at all. Actually I quit even thinking about what its gonna be like to graduate therapy because that's so far away.

Sometimes its hard for me to see the progress I've made.

I went there with panic attacks, I still have panic attacks. Its hard for me to see that I have been diagnosed with several things, learned about all that I have, got my meds changed, got them changed again, still pass the "is she bipolar?" test my psych MD gives me about 2 times a year, and most importantly I have explored, learned, felt and learned how to manage all my anxiety.

But when I make milestones its a big thing.

So today I went in with the question of dating while in therapy. I fully thought that Dr. R would say no but she thinks I'm actually ready.

Now if I date or not that's 100% my choice. But I finally get to make that choice! I have never been so emotionally stable that I can have a relationship. So this is without a doubt a HUGE milestone!

So I'm not going to celebrate the end of my therapy (that's years away) but for now I'm celebrating that I made  so much progress in a little less than 2 years.

I never thought it was possible.