Stupid Carpets!

Whoever decided to make pills the same color as carpets was insanely stupid.

Well it seems that the depression went away as fast as it came. Odd, but I'm OK with that.

I finally went to the Dr for all of these odd symptoms I've been having.

Plus side?
I was seeing a new Dr and she is wonderful. And since it was a lady Dr, all the super pregnant women around me made everything so much better! I mean really! Who doesn't just love a super big pregnant belly? (except for maybe the owner of that super big belly)

Minus side?
I am being tested for PCOS, Insulin resistance, fasting blood sugar, liver and kidney enzymes (make sure they are still working), about 7 hormones, B6, B12, anemia, and prolactin to test for a prolactinoma.

Plus side?
This is the first Dr in years (other than Dr.R) who ACTUALLY LISTENS! Its so nice to be taken seriously! It is 100% unfair but 100% true that people with anxiety written all over their chart get treated differently. Especially when you have a bunch of random symptoms that don't usually cause a physical marker. Drs tend to brush the patients off. I have been told several times that I don't actually have ____, its just because I'm anxious and pick up on small, normal things. But with this Dr, I could even tell her that I just didn't feel right. I couldn't point to something and say "this hurts" but i just overall felt different and not right. SHE LISTENED! Shes now officially my favorite MD ever!.

Minus side?
She said the words "brain tumor" .
Actually said those words.
Also?
Shes worried that with PCOS (or even if I don't have it) and the psych medicines that I was on through puberty and the ones I'm on now (benzos are really worrisome) have permanently affected my fertility. We have no idea how much they affected my fertility, but to say I am infertile is not out of the question.
Also?
I'm being tested and have a lot of the symptoms of Type 2 Diabetes
Also?
I have been trying to figure out how to stay vegetarian and have Diabetes and I don't think its actually possible.


Either way, I am trying not to freak out about these test results. I get them back on Nov 1.

As Dr. R says "Its not about choosing what you want to have and what you don't want. That has already been decided for you. You can wish away something or you can wish for something, either way, the tests have already been submitted.You can't change the results by wishing really hard. All you can do now is wait."

6 days of waiting down, 8 to go.

Ive Officially Slipped... Again

Well I have another new diagnosis.

Recurrent Major Depressive Disorder. 

Woo! It's just SO much fun!

Yea. Now, I'm going to go take a nap and have my goal of tomorrow be to go to the store. Seeing as I didn't  couldn't leave my bed today this is a good goal. Plus I need to work on my depression project! It's going to be a wonderful, loving reminder of why suicide is not a good idea.

Also a goal? To stop wanting to drive a car into a giant pole. (FYI: I'm having other people drive me places just to be on the safe side)

A Post Without Editing

I'm getting tired again.

Last time this happened I slipped.
Oh, boy did I slip!
I slipped so far into the depths of depression that I'm still recovering 5 months later.

Luckily, this time I know the signs to watch for and I know that people wont just ship me off to the hospital. I know I will be listened to and the only way to get better is to talk about things. Even the scary things. Because things with me do get scary and they get scary quickly and the people I let close to me know that and they know what to do and I am blessed that I have this.

I'm blessed with my Support Boat.

I am finally starting to trust people. Mostly Dr. R but that's a good start.

I don't think Ive ever really said how amazing she truly is. Today we talked about deep stuff and when she didn't understand something I was able to get her on the right page. She was able to tell me that reading the book I am reading (or was) is a bad idea at this point in my life. I was able to listen and I now understand that she was right. But mostly we talked about the scary stuff that I have never been able to share with anyone. The deep dark thoughts that I sometimes have. And ya know what? She told me that I was fine. And when I told her she must not be hearing what I said because anyone who thinks about these things is certainly not fine she convinced me I was fine. I still felt comforted by the image I saw and we set rules around it, only because I was afraid. Things like "OK well you can picture that, but it cant do this or this or this. OK?" and I agreed.

I never thought therapists were allowed to tell you what to do but they are. I like this. I think everyone needs someone who they can go to and just tell them that you have no idea what to do, every choice is a bad choice and that you need someone else to decide what to do because at this point, you just could not care anymore.

You know what I'm sick of? And I may step on some toes here but I don't care at this point.

Those winy little teenage girls who all hate their parents. All day its " I HATE HER! SHE WOULDN'T LET MY GO TO THE MOVIES LAST NIGHT! I know it was 3 am when it started and its a school night and Jim my one true love...." And let me stop there because the part of me that Dr. R calls "Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30" wants to chime in.

OK really? True love? COME ON PEOPLE!!! I mean I just had to listen to my brother throw a absolute hissy fit because his girlfriend of 2 (yes, 2) days has changed his life forever and now she broke up with him. And oh woe is him!! Now which one of my parents wants to go convince him to stop laying in the middle of the road and go inside because its 50 degrees outside and dark and no, suicide isn't an option.

UGH!
(thus ends the Kathryn who's 17 and 3/4 going on 30 portion of this entry)


Now add all of the stress from my school life to this horror show of a family life (side bar- I use to be CONVINCED that my life was a German comedy show because of how things got- then I learned to laugh like it was one) add in one heaping cup of anxiety 2 cups of panic attacks and one Tbsp of people changing the constants in my life and what do you get????

-The reason I started hysterically laughing today that brought me to tears from laughter that took me to a point where I was both sobbing and laughing at the same time in front of my mother figure who, for the life of her, couldn't figure out what I was doing. So she just stared.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Celebrate Good Times

I'm quickly approaching my 2 year anniversary for therapy. For the non-therapy person this seems like forever but for me its no time at all. Actually I quit even thinking about what its gonna be like to graduate therapy because that's so far away.

Sometimes its hard for me to see the progress I've made.

I went there with panic attacks, I still have panic attacks. Its hard for me to see that I have been diagnosed with several things, learned about all that I have, got my meds changed, got them changed again, still pass the "is she bipolar?" test my psych MD gives me about 2 times a year, and most importantly I have explored, learned, felt and learned how to manage all my anxiety.

But when I make milestones its a big thing.

So today I went in with the question of dating while in therapy. I fully thought that Dr. R would say no but she thinks I'm actually ready.

Now if I date or not that's 100% my choice. But I finally get to make that choice! I have never been so emotionally stable that I can have a relationship. So this is without a doubt a HUGE milestone!

So I'm not going to celebrate the end of my therapy (that's years away) but for now I'm celebrating that I made  so much progress in a little less than 2 years.

I never thought it was possible.

How Do You Measure A Year?

First I would like to state that in this 'year' my relationship with God has grown stronger than it ever has been.

According to the Balinese people a day doesn't not have to be 24 hours it can be more or it can be less. I think this idea is amazing. There have been days that I just wished they would end and I could start a new day. I am going to start incorporating this into my life. Today is a good day and I have not decided that I want it to be over with, so its not yet. Simple as that.

With those two things stated I would like to say that tomorrow (since today has not ended in my mind) I am returning to church after what I am going to deem as a year has passed. (Although it was anywhere from 10 - 15 months in reality, I cant remember, so I'm saying a year).

This year has been hard. And that's the biggest understatement I think I have ever said. I started not going to service because, well I had been going since I was 2 weeks old and I wanted a break. I wish I could say it was a better reason and I tried to make up other reasons but one day I am going to have to look at God and answer why and I might as well start telling the truth about it now. I had gone through a lot.

Looking back even further than a year, church service was giving me panic attacks. I didn't want it to; but it was. (This was before I had started seeing Dr. R and I didn't have a diagnosis for anything). The Social Anxiety Disorder was at its worst and it was controlling my mind. It would convince me that everyone in the big sea of people was staring at me, watching my every movement and everyone was judging me. My mother thought I was being stupid about this and kept telling me that people are self conscious and are only worried about themselves. I was fine and I needed to get over these little episodes and get my butt back into service.

Walking out on a sermon apparently is frowned upon.

I started seeing Dr. R. Between the two of us we determined that I was having panic attacks. She talked to my Psych MD and he rearranged all of my medicines. I got Ativan. It helped and I continued to go to church.

About a year later my grandfather got sick. I had never been to church without either my Grandmother or Grandfather there and since my Grandmother had passed away he was the only one that I needed. But he was in the hospital. It got unbearable going. I tried a few times but I needed an 82 year old man there to hold my hand and I needed an 82 year old man to wake up every few minutes. I loved him there, I needed him there and he wasn't there.

I stopped going.

I selfishly thought that people would notice and they did. I got emails of concern for a few weeks but then it was like everyone just forgot about me. I wanted to see if they would come back or if they had given up hope in me ever going back so I waited. (For the record only 1 person ever asked me to come back)

So why go back?

My relationship with God is better than ever. I think a year away from everything, where it is just me and the Lord, was what I needed. I needed to have that relationship that I believe the church environment was hindering me from having with my Lord. I needed it to face the things the past year has thrown me. I only formed the relationship oddly enough, when I was suicidal. God is the only one that pulled me through that, that actually never ever left my side. He was committed to me and I am forever grateful. When my concussion happened a few months later I had the relationship with Him to lean on and I let Him hold me and I fully trusted in Him for the first big thing in my life and it was wonderful. He healed me. I still am not 100%, more like 85% but still, He healed me and although since this past Thursday the idea of being 85% has brought several tear-filled moments to me, I trust Him. I thank Him for where I am.

I think there are several reasons that I need to go back though. My blogging friend Eva passed away 6 months ago and that has hit me much harder that I ever thought. The foster children I watched are now back with their father. The book Eat Pray Love has helped me more than I ever thought. I have a handle on my panic and SAD. Its just time to go back.

But I think that the event that is really making me go back is something this past week with my mother figure. I wont go into details but because of a panic attack I went to her until I came out. I found something, a little list she had made, inside her desk while I was cleaning it out. (It helps me when I have something to touch and a little task to do and this is perfect- I get out of my panic and she gets a clean desk. We established this as my task a long time ago). It was a personal list of hers that no one was suppose to see that she scribbled and threw into her desk. I saw it. A list of names and some things written next to the names like "cancer" or "from church" but then there were my initials, what she calls me when shes writing my name and "student" written next to it. I know without a doubt that this is me and this is her prayer list.

She prays for me. I don't know what she prays about for me but she does. There could be thousands of things shes praying about, I don't know. I never will. But the thought that crossed my mind is that someone cares.

Someone cares enough that they ask the Lord for something on my behalf.

I was never suppose to see this. At least in her and my mind. But I think that this is part of God's plan. He knew all along that this would be the thing that sent me back to the church. He knew because He planned it.

The Lord's plan for me (and others) is complicated. But sometimes, on the rarest of rare occasions, things can seem simple and clear and this is the Lord giving us a peak into His plan for us.

So tonight I will pray for everyone that will ever read this or ever come into contact with this. I don't know what you are going through and I will never know. But I want you to know that I am praying for you, for your journey in life to be amazing, for you to have a clear sense of direction, a peak into God's plan for you, and to know that someone out there in the big big world is thinking of you and praying for you.

Catching Up + Raw(e)

First off I would like to say thank you for the thoughts and prayers for my father. Although he still is not back to work yet he is walking around and starting to need less of the pain killers. Most importantly he is eating again. He had his first real meal today for lunch. Unfortunately he developed an infection but while I was doing the dressing change (I was his personal nighttime shift nurse) I noticed it during the first dressing change and the next day checked and when it had only gotten worse he was promptly sent to the doctor. He is much, much better now.

So while I was taking care of him during the nights I only got about 2 hours of sleep a night for a while there and was still going to school so, somewhere down the line I got sick. Now this would not be such a bad thing but when I was little my brother and I both had RSV. Not good. Both of our lungs were scarred and his gave him asthma as a young child but he outgrew his. On the other hand my lungs didn't start to bother me until 2 or 3 months after my brother was officially declared asthma free (about 9 years ago). I had reactive airways and seasonal asthma but about a year ago my asthma took a turn for the worst. Now I am struggling with it daily when I am healthy. Steroids and albuterol are never far, but that's just one more med to take and in this house one more isn't really that bad, epically if you get to inhale the medicine.

But all of this make it pretty bad when I get sick. So this really bad head cold has turned into a cough. Not good at all! I have been on codeine for the cough because its the only thing that suppresses it even a little plus it helps with the pain I have from coughing so much. I got quite a few strange looks when I coughed today and the people I was near were worried for their health. I had to explain that even though it does sound like I am dying, I am not contagious its just my bad lungs. Somehow they were OK with that. They are gonna be OK, and its totally OK because she only has bad lungs. Pshh, she will be fine!



On a separate note I would like to say I got my first ever blogging award which came as a complete surprise because I had no idea anyone actually read this. (Well no, someone reads this, either that or I hit refresh well over 1,000 times and have no memory of it.) But the idea that Someone reads this and doesn't think its total rubbish is a nice self esteem boost, which I was in need of.  So here is my award.



I am suppose to give it to 15 fellow bloggers (Ha! I cant believe that I am actually calling myself a blogger!) But that is going to take a few days of thought to actually think of 15 blogs because I only follow about 6. So I will work on that, just give me time.

And since this is a random post I might as well post my Raw(e) Smiles and Laughter picture as well. This week I had to go back in my archives of pictures since I could not really leave my bed or the couch let alone be around young children or old people (because I mean who doesn't love when an old person has that "I'm SO happy to see you!!!!!" smile???)

So I thought about the pictures I have of my grandfather but they only make ME smile because to everyone else hes just another old man currently in a Jewish Community Center. Yeahhhh, we aren't Jewish either but he doesn't know the difference, he is just happy because they play Christmas music all day.

Separate note- I think I am the only one who cant stand Christmas music

So I though of my cousin Camille, the little and extremely photogenic Chinese girl with the smile that captured my heart. So I went through my files and found this.

I tried to capture her jumping on her bed in her Paton Manning jersey and frilly blue skirt (It's Indianapolis and was 3 days before they played the Saints, I got stares because I wasn't in blue!) but I didn't have the right AP value set so it didn't work. After I made her jump on her bed for 30 minutes (It counts as exercise right? Eh, who cares she loved it!) Cam gave me one final jump and landed on her stomach with this smile on her face.

Those little Chinese eyes get me every single time! She is so expressive you can read her emotions through them. It was once said that the eyes are the window to the soul and I could not agree more. Those are the eyes of a loving, energetic, little girl who is blessed to be in her loving home, she may not remember how she ended up being adopted but her birth mother and my family knows the story. This is a little girl who was abandoned at 2 days old and put in a box at a bus stop. 

Her and her little eyes have been through so much

This look says "I love you, I'm happy and I love when you visit". Nothing more. Nothing less.

And this makes me smile. Knowing you can come from a horrible background and finding happiness. Even if it is just jumping on your bed with you cousin. 

If I could edit I would sharpen the image a little but not do too much I really like the natural light. 

Want to join Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the instructions and link on up!

Prayers Please (Or Uplifting/Positive Thoughts if Praying isn't Your Cup of Tea)

I am asking for prayers for my father. He had surgery yesterday morning and there were a few unexpected complications. He is home now but he had to spend some extra time in the hospital due to the complications. He is still in a lot of pain and is not able to rest comfortably at this point, even with the pain medications.

Please pray for his recovery to be quick and without complication, for the continued knowledge and tact of the Doctors, Nurses, and other medical workers, for my father to not be eager to resume normal activities (I don't want him ripping his stitches/staples), and for his pain to be managed with the medications.

Thank you,
-Kathryn