Who Knew That 'Yay' Wasn't in the Dictionary?

Things are turning around.

Its been a rough few months and I know that Ive been using this blog to vent. I mean its my blog so I guess I can write whatever I want to.

However I have been really negative. Its been a tough few months.

My brother and Grandfather were both hospitalized, my mom went through 4 circles of mania to depression and back in a record time. Therapy has been hard (well its always hard but still) and with a record amount of pollen this year and me having asthma, I haven't been able to breathe for about 4 months. A fellow blogger I followed passed away from her life long battle with Cystic Fibrosis. A lot of stress with finals coming up. Oh and I'm getting over gastroenteritis this past 5 days or so. Either way I've been crabby and negative and I do feel bad about that.

Its so easy to be negative.

So easy to look at the bad and forget to see the good. Sometimes its hard to see the good. Sometimes its REALLY hard to see. But its always there, and I forgot that.

Ive been so self centered lately and I feel bad about that. No positive posts. I feel bad that whoever the heck reads this (and I know someone does because the counter is almost up to 600 views(WOW)) has been reading negative after negative after negative since about January or so.

So a happy post.

Hm lets see.

How about I just name positives?

Yea that's a start.

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Ha ha well I just smiled because that line looks like the ones from emails when something is forwarded to like 245793457039485 people. Admit it, you know exactly what I'm talking about!

I have both of my parents alive

I have a bed to sleep in

Ive made progress in therapy

I laugh and smile at little things

When I get to a point where I can either curl up in a ball, fall apart and cry or just laugh- I laugh

I have a God that loves me

I'm going to HOSA nationals for something even my Drs never imagined I would do well in (HA I was right!)

I meed with my psych MD tomorrow and I wont need medicine changes =D

I have two best friends that I can go to for almost anything

I know someone else who has a mom with bipolar

I have a woman who I love as a mother and she loves me too

I know exactly where I want to go to college and what I have to do to go there

-Ive already talked to them and they want me to go there

-Yea I think in lists and sub lists under the lists

-No its TOTALLY not odd!

I'm good at making lists!

I thrive under stress

I'm wearing comfortable socks which makes me smile

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So there we have it a list (which I'm pretty good at making =) ) of positive things. I think it kinda warped into a ' Kathryn, remember your good at stuff ' list but oh well. It works.

Well there it is, the start of positive blogging. Although I cant promise there wont be any venting but I will try my best.

Well I'm gonna head on to bed since its almost 3 am and I am finally able to try and go to school again tomorrow (Although I did sleep on and off for like 16 hours today). Yay! (No. I'm serious on the yay, Ive been in bed for days now its getting really old)

Manic at the Disco

Mania. Oh how I hate you!

Mania isn't just hyperactivity around here. OH no. That would be too easy! Its about 4 days of rage filled people ganging up against you. Not just violence, what kind of orange juice to buy, what to have for dinner, should the music/volume of something be turned around, etc. And boy is it starting to get on my nerves!

It would also be too easy to have just 1 person with bipolar in this house. Nope gotta have two, so two times the medicine, two times the anger, two times the irrational behavior and OH boy do these 2 affect each other in their cycles.

My brother was hospitalized (medical, not psych) on Tuesday and released on Wednesday. This spun my mother into a spontaneous manic state. It was only exacerbated when my grandfather was hospitalized on Wednesday almost dying of hypothermia for no apparent reason. My mother isn't suppose to be manic right now, she is suppose to be in that time of about a week where she is normal. But she is manic like crazy right now which makes my brother also change in his cycle pattern and become manic as well.

And they are not just like hyper. They are angry, violent, short fused, ticking time bombs of rage, make you want to run and hind in a hole for the next week or so kind of manic.

I hate it.

So much so that even though I am no where near the child bearing state of my life, I have been thinking about how close I was to my grandmother and if I want that for my children when I have kids.

My mom wants to be a grandmother more than ANYTHING in the ENTIRE WORLD.

But for my kids future would I want them to be around someone like that?

I know first hand what constant exposure to my mother is like and what it does to a person's mental health. (Not good people, NOT GOOD)

I also have someone who is near and dear to my heart that is for all intents and purposes, my mother. I have no relation with this woman, but for some reason we just kinda clung to each other. No idea why but I sure am glad it happened. She is emotionally stable, a kind, good hearted woman that is so loving its actually bringing me to tears as I type this.

I want her as my mother. I really do. I would trade in a heart beat with no regrets.

I know with open adoptions (not that I'm adopted or would ever be put up for adoption) as the child grows older it is explained to them that their birth mom is special because she helped them find their family, the people that were suppose to raise them. That the child chose the birth mom to be their birth mom but they chose someone else to be their mommy and that the birth mother helped them find their true mommy.

Unrelated I know but still at the same time it is related. When I was younger I heard that before you are born you choose your parents and there were dozens of times I was on my knees yelling at God "WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CHOOSE THESE PEOPLE?!?!? I'M NOT THAT STUPID AM I ?!?" But I think I might finally get it. I think that before I was born I choose my parents to raise me but I choose this woman to be my mom.

She loves me like a daughter and I love her like a mother and we have even talked about when I do have kids would I be open to letting her see them and be like an unofficial grandmother. Of course I said yes I would LOVE for that to happen I would love my kids to get to know her and have her in their lives. But the more I think about it, the more I think about how much I want her to be their grandmother instead of my mother.

My mother is bipolar. She is going to be bipolar until the day she dies. There is a good chance she would treat my children the same way that she treats me. I would never wish that upon anyone! Let alone my children.

I'm torn. I have a decision to make when I go to collage soon. I will be on my own and I can choose to move anywhere and not have any contact with my family if I want to. Most days that's what I want. Just to go run off to Russia or something (eh maybe somewhere less cold).

But I would ultimately be hurting myself and my kids. Would I tell them about my family? Would I invite them to my wedding even? Would I have my mom told that I had a child? Would I raise my children not knowing anything of their grandmother and just let the loving one who whats to be a grandmother to my children be the sole grandmother? What would happen if/when they found out? How would I explain it? If I just say they are all dead would that work? Would they understand and forgive me? Would they try and find the members of my side of the family? How would my mother react?

OK. Enough questions aka the constant thought process of someone with 4 panic disorders brought on by living in this environment.

I don't know what to do. I have time to decide but still its not a black and white decision. Its all grey, 100% of it.

Can someone just give me the answers? I'm kinda drowning over here!

Its Been a Bad Day, Week, 12 Days - You Pick

How do you measure a bad day?

Is it bad because you got stung by a bee or bad because you got in a fight with your friend or bad for some other reason? Is it the thoughts we have that make it a bad day or the outside factors we cannot control that make it a bad day?

Do you ever just look at every single thing that's happened in your day and by all means it should be a bad day but for some reason it doesn't feel like one?

Ive had one of those days.

4 panic attacks, 1 PTSD flash back, my mother and brother blaming me for my fathers affair, my brother telling me to my face he wishes I was dead (then my mom saying nothing even when I asked her to do something) a 15 minute call to Dr.R for help and she basically told me to just take my medicine and go to sleep. Ive cried 2 times today, emotionally shut down, and got home and just slept for 6 hours because I just couldn't do it anymore.

By all means it should be a bad day.

Thing is-

It doesn't feel like it.

I don't feel like much these days. Just a depressed glob. Going through the motions of life. Not enjoying anything, not really caring about much, just going through the motions. I could not leave my bed for 4 days. I just starred at the ceiling for 4 days in a row. That's depression. I'm forgetting to breathe sometimes. The still recovering broken nose my brother gave me because he was mad doesn't help.

Sleeping is the only good thing. I'm dreaming again. Granted the dreams may be kinda crazy and suck most of the time ( During my nap today I dreamt that my history teacher had a baby with downs syndrome and a cleft palate. I deeply dislike my history teacher, now shes popping up in my dreams. Great... ) but they are better than being awake.

I guess its the lesser of 2 evils.

I can deal with odd dreams about bad things and people I don't necessarily like. I can do that.

I can sleep.

I can dream.

I can finally get out of bed.

I can go to school. ( Cant do the work but I can show up which is a major improvement over last week)

I can hold a conversation.

I can go through the motions with little to no emotion involved.

I can write again.

I can be here.

I can even make a crappy list of things I can do.

This hasn't killed me yet. I'm too stubborn to let it.

Well my parents always said me being possibly the most stubborn person in the entire world might come in handy later in life.

Guess they might of been right.

A Poem for English Class

Sitting through a ninety minute class

taking notes

listening

learning

bell rings

silently cheering

not because the class is over

but because there wasn't a panic attack

No one stared at you

watching you hyperventilate

breathing

in

out

in

out

holding your breath to stop it

hiccups

lights flicker

teacher speaks too loud

its like turning on a light switch

"What causes them" they ask

I don't know !

"If I did do you honestly think I would be in therapy two times a week?"

Having a therapist on speed dile

Having a back up therapist

and a back up for the back up therapist

and yet ANOTHER back up therapist

just in case the first three don't answer

Pills

seven to twelve per day

physically tied to a bottle

every moment of every day

frustration

There is no time line for when they will go away

that is IF they go away

Will the attack last thirty seconds? Minutes? Hours?

Will they be around for another month? Year? Decade? Forever?

SSRI

Benzodiazaphines

SNRI

Paxil

Luvox

Effexor

Ativan

Xanax

Prozac

Clozapine

Lexapro

Zoloft

Just to name a few off the "failed" list

Side effects each one worse than the last

Doctor decides that one isn't working and needs to be taken off immediately

Withdrawal

How do you explain this all to a teacher?

I didn't do my homework because...

I was throwing up

I had a migraine

I had heart palpitations all night

I was seeing things that were not there

Every time thought about the assignment I had a panic attack so severe the doctor thought it was a seizure

Explaining to friends that you cant go out

wanting to more than anything to be a normal teenager

be seventeen

no worries

parties

dating

free

Alas you cant

worrying if that drink was spiked with something

would you need to be rushed to the emergency room because of a drug interaction

Would you be so far gone that you couldn't tell anyone what medicines your on

That's OK

because there is a list of them with you everywhere you go

purse

wallet

backpack

sticky note on ID cards

Having to teach friends what to do if you panic

more importantly what NOT to do

Maybe it would be easier if there was a "do not touch" sign tattooed somewhere

even your mother can not touch you

too much stimulation

having friends taking high school psychology

asking you about symptoms

diagnosing you with various things

schizophrenia

bipolar

borderline personality disorder

getting texts asking about treatment options

"Have you tried hypnotherapy ?"

Like they know more about this than you

Just wanting to scream!

Does it help?

No.

But then again

Nothing does.

The View From Here

Dr. R told me to write about how I'm feeling at this moment so that when things are rough she can say "Go read what you wrote." But I think I should give a little background info before I do that.

God has a HUGE sense of humor. No ifs ands or buts. So when He made his giant plan I guess He thought it would be humors to have the person with diagnosed Social Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Panic Attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder to go compete in a health competition where she does public speaking on the spot. Extemporaneous Speech. You are given a topic, put in a room with no books, computer or anything for 10 minutes and then you give a 5 minute speech to a panel of judges. Nerve racking to even the best of public speakers.

So lets just add in a dash of those 4 anxiety disorders and see how they do.

The answer? Pretty darn well. I placed at regional because of a loophole ( The top 4 people go to state competition and I placed 4 out of 4 contestants ) so when I got to state and placed 3rd out of 35 people- Oh my.

I'm telling you- Big Guy Upstairs has quite the sense of humor.

So how I'm feeling. Hm.

Shocked? I guess that's the best word to describe it. I cant even remember from the time my name was called until about 3 minutes after I sat down. Good thing there are pictures that I can follow. Basically I was a deer in headlights with my jaw dropped then I sat down and cried for 15 minutes. Its still so surreal even a week later that I still cant believe it! I'm so happy though! I did wonderful things there I loved it at the conference! Symposiums are AMAZING. There is that book The Five People You Meet in Heaven and at the end there is something about when you die you get to choose where you live for the rest of your life and one lady choose an eternity of weddings. I would choose an eternity of health seminars. They were spectacular. I loved it! I learned how to intubate and I got to learn about parts of the robot for robotic cardiovascular surgery and so so so much more! I was having days from 7 am until 11 or 12 midnight just full of learning and meeting new people and just oh it was SO much fun!

Back to the 3rd place metal- I don't even really know what to think! It was never even considered that ANYONE in my group that competed in different events would place in the top three. Its the first year we have even had this group or competed. I was the only one to place so in 80 something days I will be in Disney competing against the other 149 people in the country that placed in my event. That's kinda scary but its not even about the event or placing or not. I don't care about that. I have made so many therapy related milestones during that event that winning is just the icing on the cake. I ate in a restaurant. Well the mall. But still! I haven't been able to eat in public since I was about 4. Ive been going through the steps for CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and exposure therapy so that I can do things like eating out again. I was away from my family for 3 days (in a new place) - haven't done that since I was 7 or 8. I only had 1 panic attack the ENTIRE TIME! and I didn't need to take my adivan except for 1 time. I was virtually med (excluding my daily ones) free for the whole thing and I competed med free and I traveled there and back med free and I remembered what its like to have fun again.

I'm happy, shocked and mostly proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. I did this all by my self. No one was forcing me, I wanted to do everything. I loved it.

I cant wait to go to Florida ! Its going to be so much fun!

So there we have it - how I'm feeling now (excluding the beginnings of a migraine and the anxiety and stress over a paper I needed to write last week and still haven't- figured I would make this a positive post).

Look for the Good and Let Everything Else Fall Away

Health Care Reforms. Your either for it, against it, or have been living under a rock for the past year.

Me and my family? Totally, 100% undeniably for health care reforms.

In all reality-We all are a bunch of crazed lunatics! We NEED health care and insurance and heck I'm going into college in a year and a half where insurance will be hard to find.

But now, thanks to the democrats ( I would say people, however NO republicans in the House voted yes) I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS!

It all started when i was about 8 or 9 and started on medicines. My brother and mom were already on them so it wasn't really a big deal (well it was but that's a totally different story) for me to go on them; but I couldn't really see a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone I knew that was on these medicines was on them for years and year and years and therapy sessions one after the other and blood tests and all sorts of things that cost money.

My first question was would I have to take these medicines for a long time- the answer was yes.

Then I asked how long 'a long time' would be- 2 months, 2 years, 10 years, my whole life? Well I couldn't (and still cant) get a good expected time out of my doctor but I was told that at least through college. I was kinda content with that, I mean I was like 8 I could deal with this for 10 years and I mean medicines cant be THAT expensive- Can they?!?

Then we got the prescription filled.

Now at 8 it seems like money is worth more than it is. $5 is like $50. So when I saw the price of the medicine that we paid then looked on the bag, saw how much insurance paid and added them together, well lets just say I started to freak out a little bit.

How the heck am I going to pay for this when I'm in collage!?!?!!?! I don't want a job! I want to just learn! And that was just a 30 day supply! I'm gonna be living out of a box just to pay for these medicines !

My mom looked up under our insurance and discovered that I was covered under hers if I was a full time student until I was 21. Then I was kinda screwed. I was planning not even a month ago to go ahead and get my CNA degree so that while I'm working full time as a student getting my dream job I could e working in an environment that was at least related- I mean CNA sure beats the heck out of being a bagger down at Food Lion. Then I would have to come straight out of school and find a job within weeks because there was no way I could afford these medicines I'm on now, the 2 times a week therapy, and all the other stuff that a person just out of collage needs to buy- like a house.

But now the dark ominous clouds of gray have finally cleared.

I am free. I don't have to worry about this as much. I don't have to be taking collage courses in high school so I can work my way through collage. Now I can if that's what I want, but that's not my only option. I don't have to worry about not having a job and needing my medicines and worrying how I'm going to pay for these. I can focus on school, a part time job, and having some sort of life. I can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the moment where I don't have to worry so much in this moment. Because with 3 or 4 (I loose track) anxiety disorders and a handful of other psych disorders, the one thing I do best is worry.

But here's the thing- Every day, God puts something good in your life. Embrace it... and let all the other stuff just fall away.

If your for the reform, against it, or are living under a rock ( which i have to admit sounds pretty good on some of those rough days I have ) just embrace it, whats happened has happened. You can fight it with all your might and then learn to accept it or you can just look for the good things now and save that energy for another battle. Its all up to you.

I hope you will find the good in things. Even in the most horrible scenarios, good things are there you just have to look for them sometimes.

Liberation

So a few weeks ago I made myself a promise - to watch a movie starring Meryl Streep every night until I either died or ran out of movies of hers to watch. Somehow I think I will end up with the ladder.

At first it was because I had seen Mamma Mia like 14 times and LOVED every single moment of it! (Also because I needed something to tie me over from 5pm until an appropriate bedtime) However it has slowly transformed into something amazing.

I haven't been able to watch a movie a night because iTunes failed and I could not access everything I had bought but these past 2 nights I have been able to watch movies.

So far I have seen-

Mamma Mia

Out of Africa

Sophie's Choice

Heartburn

Postcards From the Edge

Julie & Julia

The Devil Wears Prada

It doesn't seem like much but I think Ive clocked at least 10 hours of movie time - which is more than Ive seen in the past 5 years combined. And though it started out as something to do and to see why people say Meryl Streep is the best actress of the century, it has turned into much, much more. Its almost therapeutic.

I have learned so much about ME from these movies. I know that sounds cliche ( and saying something sounds cliche, sounds cliche ) but its true.

I learned that I can identify with Anne Hathaway's character in the Devil Wears Prada and that I am overworked and overstressed and feel like that on most days,

Julie & Julia taught me about blogging and determination and will power,

Postcards from the Edge reemphasized that drinking and drugs are bad and I could identify with Meryl's character when her mother was an alcoholic in denial,

Mamma Mia helped me understand that your past doesn't have to change your future (and that Meryl can sing and ABBA is AMAZING (but then again I already knew that about ABBA)),

Out of Africa taught me that women are fully capable of doing everything a man can do and that women can lead a successful life without a man,

Heartburn taught me the that as hard as it is, sometimes leaving is the only (and best) choice.

Sophie's Choice- OH MY- that made me sob for almost an hour- the love a mother can have for her children both is an amazing, wonderful thing and a horrible burden all at the same time ( it will make more sense if you see the movie ).

All of these things are really things that I knew before but for some reason seeing them acted out just solidifies them in my mind. They give me strength, I can pull out quotes and apply them to my daily routine to make things go smoother.

But most importantly, this is something I am setting aside for myself to do every night. Its me time. Its time that I can step away from the world, watch an outstanding movie, and take care of me. Not have to worry about anything else just totally, 100% be focused on the movie and if something big happens in my house i just turn up the volume and try to not think about it. Its an hour and a half of my day that I can be alone and not have any stress.

Its time where I don't have anxiety and I never noticed how amazing that is just to be free even if it is for just an hour. Liberating. Relieving. Manumit.

So my advice ( if I am in any place to actually give advice is still up for debate :) )

Take some Me (or You, I guess) time every day. It doesn't have to be an hour it can be a cup of decaf coffee at 4 am where you can be alone and quiet, it can be just 3 minutes of locking yourself in a closet and blocking out the sounds of the world, anything.

Give yourself a chance to recharge and reflect or escape or do whatever it is that you need to do to get through the day.

If you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others?