How Do You Measure A Year?

First I would like to state that in this 'year' my relationship with God has grown stronger than it ever has been.

According to the Balinese people a day doesn't not have to be 24 hours it can be more or it can be less. I think this idea is amazing. There have been days that I just wished they would end and I could start a new day. I am going to start incorporating this into my life. Today is a good day and I have not decided that I want it to be over with, so its not yet. Simple as that.

With those two things stated I would like to say that tomorrow (since today has not ended in my mind) I am returning to church after what I am going to deem as a year has passed. (Although it was anywhere from 10 - 15 months in reality, I cant remember, so I'm saying a year).

This year has been hard. And that's the biggest understatement I think I have ever said. I started not going to service because, well I had been going since I was 2 weeks old and I wanted a break. I wish I could say it was a better reason and I tried to make up other reasons but one day I am going to have to look at God and answer why and I might as well start telling the truth about it now. I had gone through a lot.

Looking back even further than a year, church service was giving me panic attacks. I didn't want it to; but it was. (This was before I had started seeing Dr. R and I didn't have a diagnosis for anything). The Social Anxiety Disorder was at its worst and it was controlling my mind. It would convince me that everyone in the big sea of people was staring at me, watching my every movement and everyone was judging me. My mother thought I was being stupid about this and kept telling me that people are self conscious and are only worried about themselves. I was fine and I needed to get over these little episodes and get my butt back into service.

Walking out on a sermon apparently is frowned upon.

I started seeing Dr. R. Between the two of us we determined that I was having panic attacks. She talked to my Psych MD and he rearranged all of my medicines. I got Ativan. It helped and I continued to go to church.

About a year later my grandfather got sick. I had never been to church without either my Grandmother or Grandfather there and since my Grandmother had passed away he was the only one that I needed. But he was in the hospital. It got unbearable going. I tried a few times but I needed an 82 year old man there to hold my hand and I needed an 82 year old man to wake up every few minutes. I loved him there, I needed him there and he wasn't there.

I stopped going.

I selfishly thought that people would notice and they did. I got emails of concern for a few weeks but then it was like everyone just forgot about me. I wanted to see if they would come back or if they had given up hope in me ever going back so I waited. (For the record only 1 person ever asked me to come back)

So why go back?

My relationship with God is better than ever. I think a year away from everything, where it is just me and the Lord, was what I needed. I needed to have that relationship that I believe the church environment was hindering me from having with my Lord. I needed it to face the things the past year has thrown me. I only formed the relationship oddly enough, when I was suicidal. God is the only one that pulled me through that, that actually never ever left my side. He was committed to me and I am forever grateful. When my concussion happened a few months later I had the relationship with Him to lean on and I let Him hold me and I fully trusted in Him for the first big thing in my life and it was wonderful. He healed me. I still am not 100%, more like 85% but still, He healed me and although since this past Thursday the idea of being 85% has brought several tear-filled moments to me, I trust Him. I thank Him for where I am.

I think there are several reasons that I need to go back though. My blogging friend Eva passed away 6 months ago and that has hit me much harder that I ever thought. The foster children I watched are now back with their father. The book Eat Pray Love has helped me more than I ever thought. I have a handle on my panic and SAD. Its just time to go back.

But I think that the event that is really making me go back is something this past week with my mother figure. I wont go into details but because of a panic attack I went to her until I came out. I found something, a little list she had made, inside her desk while I was cleaning it out. (It helps me when I have something to touch and a little task to do and this is perfect- I get out of my panic and she gets a clean desk. We established this as my task a long time ago). It was a personal list of hers that no one was suppose to see that she scribbled and threw into her desk. I saw it. A list of names and some things written next to the names like "cancer" or "from church" but then there were my initials, what she calls me when shes writing my name and "student" written next to it. I know without a doubt that this is me and this is her prayer list.

She prays for me. I don't know what she prays about for me but she does. There could be thousands of things shes praying about, I don't know. I never will. But the thought that crossed my mind is that someone cares.

Someone cares enough that they ask the Lord for something on my behalf.

I was never suppose to see this. At least in her and my mind. But I think that this is part of God's plan. He knew all along that this would be the thing that sent me back to the church. He knew because He planned it.

The Lord's plan for me (and others) is complicated. But sometimes, on the rarest of rare occasions, things can seem simple and clear and this is the Lord giving us a peak into His plan for us.

So tonight I will pray for everyone that will ever read this or ever come into contact with this. I don't know what you are going through and I will never know. But I want you to know that I am praying for you, for your journey in life to be amazing, for you to have a clear sense of direction, a peak into God's plan for you, and to know that someone out there in the big big world is thinking of you and praying for you.

Catching Up + Raw(e)

First off I would like to say thank you for the thoughts and prayers for my father. Although he still is not back to work yet he is walking around and starting to need less of the pain killers. Most importantly he is eating again. He had his first real meal today for lunch. Unfortunately he developed an infection but while I was doing the dressing change (I was his personal nighttime shift nurse) I noticed it during the first dressing change and the next day checked and when it had only gotten worse he was promptly sent to the doctor. He is much, much better now.

So while I was taking care of him during the nights I only got about 2 hours of sleep a night for a while there and was still going to school so, somewhere down the line I got sick. Now this would not be such a bad thing but when I was little my brother and I both had RSV. Not good. Both of our lungs were scarred and his gave him asthma as a young child but he outgrew his. On the other hand my lungs didn't start to bother me until 2 or 3 months after my brother was officially declared asthma free (about 9 years ago). I had reactive airways and seasonal asthma but about a year ago my asthma took a turn for the worst. Now I am struggling with it daily when I am healthy. Steroids and albuterol are never far, but that's just one more med to take and in this house one more isn't really that bad, epically if you get to inhale the medicine.

But all of this make it pretty bad when I get sick. So this really bad head cold has turned into a cough. Not good at all! I have been on codeine for the cough because its the only thing that suppresses it even a little plus it helps with the pain I have from coughing so much. I got quite a few strange looks when I coughed today and the people I was near were worried for their health. I had to explain that even though it does sound like I am dying, I am not contagious its just my bad lungs. Somehow they were OK with that. They are gonna be OK, and its totally OK because she only has bad lungs. Pshh, she will be fine!



On a separate note I would like to say I got my first ever blogging award which came as a complete surprise because I had no idea anyone actually read this. (Well no, someone reads this, either that or I hit refresh well over 1,000 times and have no memory of it.) But the idea that Someone reads this and doesn't think its total rubbish is a nice self esteem boost, which I was in need of.  So here is my award.



I am suppose to give it to 15 fellow bloggers (Ha! I cant believe that I am actually calling myself a blogger!) But that is going to take a few days of thought to actually think of 15 blogs because I only follow about 6. So I will work on that, just give me time.

And since this is a random post I might as well post my Raw(e) Smiles and Laughter picture as well. This week I had to go back in my archives of pictures since I could not really leave my bed or the couch let alone be around young children or old people (because I mean who doesn't love when an old person has that "I'm SO happy to see you!!!!!" smile???)

So I thought about the pictures I have of my grandfather but they only make ME smile because to everyone else hes just another old man currently in a Jewish Community Center. Yeahhhh, we aren't Jewish either but he doesn't know the difference, he is just happy because they play Christmas music all day.

Separate note- I think I am the only one who cant stand Christmas music

So I though of my cousin Camille, the little and extremely photogenic Chinese girl with the smile that captured my heart. So I went through my files and found this.

I tried to capture her jumping on her bed in her Paton Manning jersey and frilly blue skirt (It's Indianapolis and was 3 days before they played the Saints, I got stares because I wasn't in blue!) but I didn't have the right AP value set so it didn't work. After I made her jump on her bed for 30 minutes (It counts as exercise right? Eh, who cares she loved it!) Cam gave me one final jump and landed on her stomach with this smile on her face.

Those little Chinese eyes get me every single time! She is so expressive you can read her emotions through them. It was once said that the eyes are the window to the soul and I could not agree more. Those are the eyes of a loving, energetic, little girl who is blessed to be in her loving home, she may not remember how she ended up being adopted but her birth mother and my family knows the story. This is a little girl who was abandoned at 2 days old and put in a box at a bus stop. 

Her and her little eyes have been through so much

This look says "I love you, I'm happy and I love when you visit". Nothing more. Nothing less.

And this makes me smile. Knowing you can come from a horrible background and finding happiness. Even if it is just jumping on your bed with you cousin. 

If I could edit I would sharpen the image a little but not do too much I really like the natural light. 

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Prayers Please (Or Uplifting/Positive Thoughts if Praying isn't Your Cup of Tea)

I am asking for prayers for my father. He had surgery yesterday morning and there were a few unexpected complications. He is home now but he had to spend some extra time in the hospital due to the complications. He is still in a lot of pain and is not able to rest comfortably at this point, even with the pain medications.

Please pray for his recovery to be quick and without complication, for the continued knowledge and tact of the Doctors, Nurses, and other medical workers, for my father to not be eager to resume normal activities (I don't want him ripping his stitches/staples), and for his pain to be managed with the medications.

Thank you,
-Kathryn

Infertility? Who Knows.

So I haven't been wanting to write something just because even though that last post ended on a personal and downbeat tone it was a positive post. I don't want to cover that up. Oh and the Raw(e) post with 7 comments? OK sure 7 isn't a lot but heck I just about fell out of my chair (well, technically bed, thank you laptop) when I saw that. People actually are reading this! Who would have guessed?!?

So lets see, whats going on in the life of me. (Ha! That rhymed and it made me smile)

I leave in about 25 minutes to go to the lab to have blood work done. They (mostly me to be honest) are worried about my prolactin levels which some of my medicines can do, epically the Luvox(s). Yep I'm on 2 different kinds. But the other medicines could be causing all of these strange symptoms. I'm mostly concerned about the effect that hyperprolactinemia can cause on a woman's fertility. I have searched and searched and found only one study about children taking SSRI's through puberty and the affect it has on bones and most importantly to me, fertility. I don't want to have to struggle to have kids I want it to just come naturally, like it is suppose to be. I want to be pregnant and find some creative way to tell my husband that I'm expecting and I honestly thats not too much to ask.

I have 2 major, list-able fears: becoming bipolar and becoming infertile.

And its strange. I have NO family history of infertility. NONE. Nada. Zip. But I have had for the past few years this gut feeling that I was or would have problems one day. So I have had quite a fun time telling the people that brushed my concerns away that they were wrong and HA! But I have spent quite an equal amount of time crying. This is the first step in finding out a lot of information. If I do have hyperprolactinemia I would need my medicines changed around and that would just suck because I am finally stable for the first time, um, EVER, and I'm not too keen on changing that. I would need hormones. And no one has studied this really so there is no information that if this medicine is causing hyperprolactinemia leading be to be infertile now, if I change my medicines and the hyperprolactinemia goes away no one knows if the fertility would return or not. And then there is the question of what if the blood test comes back clean. Then I'm going to all sorts of doctors and tests and ugh I don't even want to go down that alley now.

So part of me hopes that it is hyperprolactinemia and part of me doesn't. I don know if I should be praying and hoping that the test comes back positive or not. I'm just unsure and the doctor is out of town so I cant ask him (Psych MD).

Then on Wednesday evening Dr. R goes out of town then with the next Monday being a holiday I wont see her for my normal 2 times a week. I hope that goes well. She is my constant right now. Last time she went out of town my sleep got turned upside down and I couldn't eat. I hope that things go better this time. But with the pending test results I don't know. I may just have to fall apart, or not, like I said I'm not sure what to think.

Either way  God will take care of me and like Dr.R assured me, she will be there with me every step of the way if I am infertile and if I have to go to China to get a kid like she did then heck, so be it. And if its not hyperprolactinemia  the she will still be there for me. My best friends are there for me and my wonderful teacher/mother-role person is there for me too.

Things are going to be OK.

Now the tricky part is believing that.

(Now if you will excuse me I have to get vials of blood drawn)

Audrey Hepburn Approved !

Raw(e) theme this week is PINK. 

I think that pink is amazing its my second favorite color right behind lilac. 

This clearly isn't a new image because well, there is a date on it. But it is from a little girl I babysit, Lea's, 1st birthday. The theme you ask? Why PINK OF COURSE!

I think I will leave you with one of my all time favorite quotes (about pink of course!) from the beautiful Audrey Hepburn!

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
— Audrey Hepburn

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Green Backs - Not a Civil War Thing Anymore

The Raw(e) theme this week is 

Green!

Before green meant environmentally friendly it meant... 

MONEY! 

And this is just about the cutest little mix of origami and money I have ever seen!

My aunt is a flight attendant and one of her first class passengers made this and gave it to her.

If I could edit I would mess with the contrast and crop (because as you can see from the weather thing on the right, it was a cloudy day when this was taken, right before it rained)

Want to participate in the Raw(e) ? Just head on over to http://sailorandcompany.blogspot.com/ read the rules and link up! Enjoy!

Ramblings on Happiness

Happiness. 

When your 17 you think " Life sucks. I can't do anything on my own, I have those annoying people in my home called parents and I cant do anything I want to do. But when I am older and get married and have kids and my own house then I will be happy."

Here is the thing. Life sometimes does suck, but that's life. And Life can be annoying, irritating, irrational, pleasing, surprising, and if your lucky, fun. But no matter what 'Life' throws you, you can be happy. Its a choice. Its a choice in the way we spend our days, who we let near us, who we let into our heart, what we act upon, what we think, and most importantly when we choose to let happiness into our hearts. 

Because it is a choice. 

People treat happiness like they are entitled to it and someone is holding it just a little bit out of their grasp but that's not what it is. 

Ive been in therapy now for 1 year and 8 months and I think that I'm finally starting to understand it. I shouldn't look at the relationships in my life ( friends, family, or otherwise ) that have failed and I shouldn't look to the future for a sense of relief but I need a balance. Living in the present with a dash of future, a sprinkle of hope and an open heart. 

I started listening to my mind and my spirit and my body. I started really paying attention to what the people in my life say and how they act. I have started to lean on others. I have opened my eyes to the possibility that I don't need things to be happy, I just need to use that stubbornness I have. I open my eyes and tell myself that gosh darn it today is going to be a good day if it kills me. And what do ya know! It works most of the time.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate. - Grey's Anatomy

We all put our selves through a lot, every day. We have good days and bad. Personally I have had a bunch of bad days reticently. I promised myself that I would document my therapy journey and that is the reason I am writing all of this.  But I do want to remember the bad as well. I want to remember how scared I have been to go to sessions, how lost I can get in my own thoughts, how just a simple phrase can send me into a panic attack or into my pit of PTSD thoughts or more recently my Pandora's box of years of repressed anger and pain. The images that I have that are purely my brain taking all of my deep buried pain and putting it into a complex solid image. The horrible things that I see and think about. But also I want to remember the hope that I have. The hope that things will work out, that I will be able to choose happiness, the hope that this will get better with time, hard work and dedication (and of course the wonderful Dr. R, and the members of my support boat). 

I deserve something beautiful and it takes work, and I have no idea what that beautiful thing is yet, but I'm excited to find out.