Mania. Oh how I hate you!
Mania isn't just hyperactivity around here. OH no. That would be too easy! Its about 4 days of rage filled people ganging up against you. Not just violence, what kind of orange juice to buy, what to have for dinner, should the music/volume of something be turned around, etc. And boy is it starting to get on my nerves!
It would also be too easy to have just 1 person with bipolar in this house. Nope gotta have two, so two times the medicine, two times the anger, two times the irrational behavior and OH boy do these 2 affect each other in their cycles.
My brother was hospitalized (medical, not psych) on Tuesday and released on Wednesday. This spun my mother into a spontaneous manic state. It was only exacerbated when my grandfather was hospitalized on Wednesday almost dying of hypothermia for no apparent reason. My mother isn't suppose to be manic right now, she is suppose to be in that time of about a week where she is normal. But she is manic like crazy right now which makes my brother also change in his cycle pattern and become manic as well.
And they are not just like hyper. They are angry, violent, short fused, ticking time bombs of rage, make you want to run and hind in a hole for the next week or so kind of manic.
I hate it.
So much so that even though I am no where near the child bearing state of my life, I have been thinking about how close I was to my grandmother and if I want that for my children when I have kids.
My mom wants to be a grandmother more than ANYTHING in the ENTIRE WORLD.
But for my kids future would I want them to be around someone like that?
I know first hand what constant exposure to my mother is like and what it does to a person's mental health. (Not good people, NOT GOOD)
I also have someone who is near and dear to my heart that is for all intents and purposes, my mother. I have no relation with this woman, but for some reason we just kinda clung to each other. No idea why but I sure am glad it happened. She is emotionally stable, a kind, good hearted woman that is so loving its actually bringing me to tears as I type this.
I want her as my mother. I really do. I would trade in a heart beat with no regrets.
I know with open adoptions (not that I'm adopted or would ever be put up for adoption) as the child grows older it is explained to them that their birth mom is special because she helped them find their family, the people that were suppose to raise them. That the child chose the birth mom to be their birth mom but they chose someone else to be their mommy and that the birth mother helped them find their true mommy.
Unrelated I know but still at the same time it is related. When I was younger I heard that before you are born you choose your parents and there were dozens of times I was on my knees yelling at God "WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CHOOSE THESE PEOPLE?!?!? I'M NOT THAT STUPID AM I ?!?" But I think I might finally get it. I think that before I was born I choose my parents to raise me but I choose this woman to be my mom.
She loves me like a daughter and I love her like a mother and we have even talked about when I do have kids would I be open to letting her see them and be like an unofficial grandmother. Of course I said yes I would LOVE for that to happen I would love my kids to get to know her and have her in their lives. But the more I think about it, the more I think about how much I want her to be their grandmother instead of my mother.
My mother is bipolar. She is going to be bipolar until the day she dies. There is a good chance she would treat my children the same way that she treats me. I would never wish that upon anyone! Let alone my children.
I'm torn. I have a decision to make when I go to collage soon. I will be on my own and I can choose to move anywhere and not have any contact with my family if I want to. Most days that's what I want. Just to go run off to Russia or something (eh maybe somewhere less cold).
But I would ultimately be hurting myself and my kids. Would I tell them about my family? Would I invite them to my wedding even? Would I have my mom told that I had a child? Would I raise my children not knowing anything of their grandmother and just let the loving one who whats to be a grandmother to my children be the sole grandmother? What would happen if/when they found out? How would I explain it? If I just say they are all dead would that work? Would they understand and forgive me? Would they try and find the members of my side of the family? How would my mother react?
OK. Enough questions aka the constant thought process of someone with 4 panic disorders brought on by living in this environment.
I don't know what to do. I have time to decide but still its not a black and white decision. Its all grey, 100% of it.
Can someone just give me the answers? I'm kinda drowning over here!
